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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27982671">My Great Perhaps</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwiGilmore/pseuds/TwiGilmore'>TwiGilmore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Feminist Themes, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mental Health Issues, Real Life, Romance, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Smut, Suicide, Therapy, Trauma, Twilight Team Jacob</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:08:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>75,146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27982671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwiGilmore/pseuds/TwiGilmore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella winds up in a mental health hospital after a traumatic event occurs, but she has no memory of it. While in the hospital, she makes two new best friends who also have troubling pasts. This is a J/B, coming-of-age story about friendship, love, loss, and everything in between. Rated explicit for language, a future lemon, and mature themes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jacob Black/Bella Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I own nothing!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>A/N: Hi there! I woke up one morning with immense motivation and inspiration to write this story, so I'm incredibly excited to share it with you all! I want to give a shout out to SunflowerSunflowerVol.6 for their story, "Decisions." Without reading that story, I would have never been inspired to finish writing this!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I love Edward, but Jacob just fit better with the character and storyline I had in mind. Regardless of couple pairing, I believe anyone would enjoy this if they like coming-of-age stories that tackle real life issues. But be aware that this is a J/B, all-human story where Edward doesn't exist.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Because of my background, I understand mental health and social issues incredibly well! That being said, I've made this story pretty realistic, which means it doesn't necessarily end happily in some ways. There are several situations that may be triggering to some, including depictions of mental illnesses, suicide, sexual assault, substance abuse, child maltreatment, and domestic violence. Please make sure you're in a good headspace before diving in.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Enjoy!</strong>
</p><hr/><p>"<strong>cardigan" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>Vintage tee, brand new phone<br/>High heels on cobblestones<br/>When you are young, they assume you know nothing</em></p><p>
  <em>Sequin smile, black lipstick<br/>Sensual politics<br/>When you are young, they assume you know nothing</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p><em>Acute Stress Disorder<br/></em> <em>Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode, Severe</em></p><p>Those were my diagnoses. They also told me I was "dissociative."</p><p>My assigned social worker, Maddie, told me it was normal for my brain to shut down to protect itself, which was, apparently, the simple definition of "dissociation." She said it was my brain's way of protecting me, by keeping me in an unconscious-type state.</p><p>Well, I was partially awake now. I was fully conscious, but also numb. It was weird.</p><p>The doctor gave me medications: Lexapro for the depressive disorder. Ativan as needed for severe anxiety and trouble sleeping due to nightmares; those symptoms, evidently, came from the acute stress disorder.</p><p>Maddie said I was having nightmares because of the trauma from my ex-boyfriend, Mike. I just felt dazed whenever I thought about him; I wasn't sure why. I couldn't recall any trauma that occurred with him, except him breaking up with me however long ago… I didn't even know what day it was.</p><p>Due to being dissociative, I didn't really know how long I had been here in the mental health hospital. When I asked Maddie this morning, she said it had been four days. She said I needed to stay at least two weeks, so about ten more days, for the Lexapro to "work its magic."</p><p>Maddie also told me I had to go to group therapy after breakfast today since I was "adjusted" to the environment now. I thought she was just being nice and was really saying that I was sane enough to attend the group now. I felt like a crazy person. That's why I was in this hospital, right? That's why I couldn't even remember how I ended up here. And why I couldn't recall the last four days.</p><p>Maddie said I could call my mom and dad after lunch today; they had been calling every day to check-in, but she told them I wasn't ready to talk yet.</p><p>Maddie walked me to the cafeteria after our meeting and told me to sit down at a table and someone would bring me breakfast. I listened to her and sat down alone in the back. Someone wearing scrubs and a hairnet placed a tray of food down in front of me after a few minutes: applesauce, powdered scramble eggs, microwaved bacon, and a weird, unidentifiable bread-looking substance. <em>Great</em>.</p><p>I picked up my fork and moved the food around my plate, not having an appetite. I tried to think about home and school, but my mind wouldn't let me… I tried again but couldn't. I guess that was the tradeoff to taking this medication cocktail – I wouldn't feel depressed or anxious, but I <em>would</em> feel foggy and like a damn zombie. Or maybe it wasn't the meds and it was just <em>me</em>. Because I was crazy.</p><p>After a few minutes, I threw my fork down onto the tray and leaned back in my seat. I surveyed the room.</p><p>To my left, the table was full of other zombie-looking tweens and teenagers. There were four technicians, or "techs" as everyone called them here, standing around the table, watching the teens very cautiously. One of the girls sitting there would yell every few minutes and one of the boys was talking to the empty chair beside him. I immediately wondered if that table was reserved for those with severe psychosis.</p><p>In front and to the right of me, there were other people sitting alone. There were two groups of people that I saw. In one group, there were three girls. They were all talking amongst themselves. They didn't look happy, but they all looked similar: lethargic, scared, and desperate for connection. I could relate.</p><p>The other group was just two boys. They seemed more upbeat and energetic. I heard them laughing and wondered what on earth they could be finding so funny right now. We were sitting in hell for crying out loud!</p><p>As I scrutinized their table, one of the guys started belly laughing, lightly throwing his head back. When he sat back up, his eyes locked with mine. He stopped laughing and smiled instead. I think I glared at him incredulously before looking down at my tray.</p><p>If I wasn't so numb, I was sure I would have felt a blush appear on my face after that interaction, but I just continued to feel kind of emotionless.</p><p>Someone came and took my tray after a few minutes. "Honey, go to the double doors over there," the random person told me, pointing across the cafeteria. "Follow the others and you'll end up in the room for group."</p><p>I nodded to her and got up to follow her instructions. We walked down a hallway and turned right into a large classroom-like space. There were a ton of chairs all placed in a large circle. I stood at the back of the room, waiting for someone to direct me.</p><p>"Just sit wherever!" Someone called to me from across the room. I listened and sat down in the closest empty chair.</p><p>I picked a spot on the floor in the middle of the circle and stared at it, crossing my arms around my chest. I didn't want to be here. I didn't know what this "group" would entail, but I wasn't looking forward to it. I was probably going to have to talk, which I didn't want to do. I craved staying numb. Numb felt safer.</p><p>After a few minutes, an older adult, maybe in her mid-thirties, walked into the room. I looked up to watch as she took her seat at the head of the circle. She smiled at all of us. I looked back down at my space on the carpet.</p><p>"Good morning, everyone. It's good to see you," she said. "I see we have a few new people with us today. For those of you that don't know me, I am Danny, a group therapist here at the hospital… How about we start with a check-in. How is everyone feeling today?"</p><p><em>Numb. Sad. Crazy. Lonely. Scared. Homesick. Lifeless. Unlovable. Powerless. </em>I didn't say any of those things, obviously, but that's what popped up in my mind when she asked the question.</p><p>Everyone in the circle was quiet for several seconds. "Well, I mean, we are all in a mental health hospital. How good do you think we can be?" someone said sarcastically, causing a few other participants to laugh. It was the same boy who told me to sit wherever a few minutes ago.</p><p>"You're absolutely right, Quil." Danny responded. "I'd bet the majority of you aren't feeling that great."</p><p>People started responding with "yeahs," and "uh-huhs." I stayed quiet.</p><p>"What has you all feeling so down? It can be powerful to share your experience and have others relate." Danny said.</p><p>"I'll start," someone said.</p><p>"Go ahead, Sarah," Danny encouraged her.</p><p>"Well… I got here, to the hospital, two days ago. I've been getting bullied at school. I've always been… bigger. Someone called me a 'pile of lard,' and said I needed to 'get skinner' if I ever wanted someone to love me."</p><p>I instantly felt sadness while listening to Sarah, but I still didn't look up from the carpet.</p><p>"Wow, Sarah," Danny said in an empathetic tone. "That must have been so hard to hear."</p><p>"Yeah. So, after school, I went home and starved myself for three days. On the third day, I collapsed when I was getting ready for school. I woke up in an ambulance. I told my mom that I hadn't been eating, which landed me here."</p><p>"I get all that," another girl's voice chimed in. "I wasn't starving myself, but I was making myself throw up…. It's like it gives me energy when I do it. It makes me feel more alive in this cold, shitty world."</p><p>Someone else spoke up. It was a guy this time. "That's how it feels when I cut… It helps me feel less numb, like I release all the fucked-up parts of myself."</p><p>"It seems like a few of you can really relate to each other," Danny connected. "You've all been trying to make the built-up pain and suffering you feel inside go away by doing different things. Sarah, you tried starving yourself. Lisa, you tried throwing up. And Juan, you tried cutting… What has everyone else tried to overcome their emotional pain?"</p><p>"I've tried drugs and alcohol." Someone else said.</p><p>"Same here." Someone agreed.</p><p>"Suicide," said another.</p><p>"Bella?" I heard Danny say my name. I wondered for a second how she even knew my name. We didn't do introductions. Then I remembered the stupid lanyard we all had to wear with our names and identifying information.</p><p>My heart started pounding as I looked up at her. "What about you?" She asked.</p><p>What about me? I just stopped finding the will to live, I guess. I didn't want to continue with life, so that's how I ended up here, I think... I still couldn't remember the details. I was pathetic.</p><p>"Uh, pass." I said.</p><p>Danny smiled warmly toward me and lightly nodded. She moved on, not making me talk. Thank God. "Sounds like you've all tried something to mask the pain you feel inside… most of them maladaptive, or unhealthy."</p><p>I heard someone huff next to me. I looked up and to my left. It was that same guy that smiled at me in the cafeteria earlier. He looked amused as he gently shook his head. "Aren't we focusing on the wrong thing here?" He asked. "I mean, what good is it going to do to dwell on things we can't control? Why not focus on things we do have power over? Bad shit is always gonna happen. We just have to learn to persevere and be positive."</p><p>I stared at him and felt some disgust and defensiveness stir up inside of me. The words flew out of my mouth like vomit. "That's like telling someone with cancer to just heal themselves. They don't need help – they just need to tell their bodies to 'get over it' and start recovering with no intervention. Don't devalue everyone's pain and suffering by telling them to just have a positive outlook."</p><p>The boy I was speaking to smiled at me when I finished my small rant, but I narrowed my eyes and scowled at him. Everyone was silent for, what felt like, eternity. I looked back down at the floor.</p><p>"Yes, Bella… <em>Yes</em>." Danny finally said, sounding reassuring. "You've just said something <em>so</em> important. Mental health is just as important as physical health. In fact, we cannot have one without the other. And mental illnesses are not magically cured with optimism."</p><p>"I disagree," The jerk next to me said again. I looked at the tag hanging from his lanyard. His name was Jacob. "I'm a glass half full type of guy, and that's what gets me through. If you change your outlook, you will automatically feel better."</p><p>I rolled my eyes at him. "What if you can't just 'change your outlook'?"</p><p>He smiled at me then laughed. "Well, then you end up here, obviously," he said, referring to the hospital. "Look, we're all here because our life sucks in some way… But we have to decide what we are going to do with that pain – let it eat us alive or use it as fuel for change."</p><p>"Yes, Jacob," Danny intervened. "You are right, too. There has to be a balance between honoring and feeling our emotions, but also realizing that we make the decisions that impact our lives moving forward."</p><p>Jacob leaned closer to me and whispered, "Look at that – we're both right."</p><p>I recoiled away automatically and glared at him again. He was annoying. He stifled another laugh as he settled back into his own bubble away from me.</p><p>The group continued as I stared at the carpet. I didn't participate for the remaining half hour as Danny talked about adaptive, or healthy, coping skills. When group was finally over, Danny told us that we could go back to our rooms or hang out in the social room for the remainder of the morning until lunch. After lunch, we could call our families if we wanted then we would have our individual therapy sessions.</p><p>I got up from my chair and started walking down the hallway as soon as we were dismissed.</p><p>"Hey! Wait up," I heard someone say behind me. I turned around. It was that Jacob kid. Ugh. I started walking quicker, but I had no idea where my room was. I <em>really</em> had been out of it the first few days here, I guess. I got to the end of the first hallway and wasn't sure if I was supposed to go left or right.</p><p>"Are you looking for the social room?" Jacob asked once he caught up to me.</p><p>"No, that sounds like torture," I responded without looking at him. "I'm trying to go back to my room to read."</p><p>"Oh, well, the girls' rooms are at the other end of the building. I'll walk you over there. C'mon," he waved his arm, gesturing for me to follow him. I crossed my arms around my chest and unwillingly walked next to him.</p><p>"I don't think we've officially met," he said. "I'm Jacob."</p><p>"Bella." I responded dryly.</p><p>"Well, Bella, you're the first one to show an ounce of real intelligence in group. It was refreshing, to say the least."</p><p>"Glad <em>you</em> found it amusing." I muttered.</p><p>We turned down another hallway and continued walking. This place was a God damn maze. "How do you know your way around here so well?" I asked.</p><p>He smirked when I glanced at him. "I've been here more than once… I know the lay of the land."</p><p>More than once? I never wanted to come back to this place once I got out. "Geez, that must be rough."</p><p>"Nah, it's fine. All about perspective, remember?" He said as he tapped his temple with his index finger.</p><p>We rounded another corner, and I finally recognized the entrance to the girls' unit. "Thanks for showing me the way back."</p><p>"No problem. I'll see you at lunch," he smiled again and started walking in the opposite direction. "I'll save a seat for you!"</p><p>Before I could object, he was jogging down the hallway, too far away for me to say no.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>this is me trying" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>I've been having a hard time adjusting</em><em><br/></em><em>I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting</em><em><br/></em><em>I didn't know if you'd care if I came back<br/></em><em>I have a lot of regrets about that</em></p>
<p>
  <em>They told me all of my cages were mental<br/>So I got wasted like all my potential<br/>And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad<br/>I have a lot of regrets about that<br/>I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere<br/>Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here<br/>Pourin' out my heart to a stranger<br/>But I didn't pour the whiskey</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I just wanted you to know<br/>That this is me trying</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>There wasn't much of a reading selection here in the hospital. There was a "library" that housed about 20 or so books. I wondered if I could ask my dad to drop off some of my own books from home, if that was even allowed. We weren't permitted to have anything in our rooms.</p>
<p>There were tons of restrictions – we couldn't shave in the shower, have pens or pencils to write or draw (unless we were supervised), could only brush our teeth under supervision, no dental floss, no cell phones… nothing.</p>
<p>The hospital staff was afraid we would turn anything into a weapon to hurt ourselves or someone else. Several minutes ago, I overheard a nurse outside my room tell another staff member that someone hung themselves in their room last night by using their bedsheets as a noose which scared the crap out of me. I wondered if we would have to go without bedding now, too.</p>
<p>As I looked at the bookshelf, I settled on reading the only book I found in the "library" that I hadn't read before – <em>Looking for Alaska</em> by John Green. So far, it's about a teenage boy, nicknamed Pudge, who goes off to a boarding school. He memorizes people's famous last words, his favorite being from poet Francois Rabelais. Francois' last words were, "I go to seek a Great Perhaps."</p>
<p>I instantly fell in love with the quote, just as Pudge had. I translated the metaphor to be about meaning; we are all searching for the reason behind life, trying to understand our purpose.</p>
<p>Pudge becomes friends with a girl named Alaska and another boy that's nicknamed "the Colonel." So far, the book is about the three teenagers who are struggling with, well, being teenagers. They are questioning everything and trying to make sense of the world in their own unique ways.</p>
<p>After a couple hours of reading, a tech came to my room and said it was time for lunch. I trudged back toward the cafeteria, only knowing where to go because of the other people walking in front of me. Everyone was lining up, so I got in line, too, but still didn't feel hungry. Once I got to the front, I was handed a tray with more unappetizing looking food.</p>
<p>"Bella, over here!" I turned to the right and saw Jacob sitting at a table with Quil, one of the guys that spoke today in group. Jacob was waving me over enthusiastically, a grin plastered on to his face.</p>
<p>I half considered blowing him off and sitting alone again… Jacob was <em>too</em> happy. How could someone be <em>that</em> cheerful in a freaking mental hospital? It didn't make sense. I looked at Quil, though, and he wore a similar expression to my own – one that was filled with dread. Maybe I could relate to him…</p>
<p><em>What the hell</em>, I thought as I walked over and sat down at their table. Jacob was across from me, and Quil was to my right.</p>
<p>"Leave it to Jake to get a girl to join us for lunch." Quil said as he shoved a spoonful of corn into his mouth.</p>
<p>"Don't be so damn mopey all the time and maybe more girls will talk to you." Jacob shrugged.</p>
<p>"I didn't come over here for you," I said bluntly while staring at Jacob, causing Quil to laugh. "The only reason I sat down with you is because your friend looks like he feels the same way I do – utterly miserable."</p>
<p>Quil held his hand out toward me. "Yep, I'm miserable, too. And misery loves company, right? I'm Quil." We shook hands. "On top of being depressed, I'm also pretty jaded and cynical. I mean… You kinda have to have dark humor to mask the gloom you feel inside, right?"</p>
<p>I liked Quil immediately. He seemed like a relatable guy I could be friends with. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel so lonely in here for the next week and a half.</p>
<p>"Hey, I can be jaded, too." Jacob tried to sound offended.</p>
<p>"Yeah fucking right," Quil scoffed as he took a bite of chocolate pudding. "You are the most slaphappy, easygoing person I have ever met."</p>
<p>"I was only around you for that hour and a half in group this morning, and I have to agree with Quil." I muttered.</p>
<p>Jacob chuckled. "Alright, fine. So, I'm a happy person, sue me." He grabbed his milk carton and took a long swig.</p>
<p>I looked up at Jacob and really studied him for a moment: he was tall, dark-skinned, and had the shiniest black hair I had ever seen. His hair was long, down by his shoulders, and he had dark brown eyes. He looked genuinely happy. He didn't look like any of the other people in here.</p>
<p>"Why <em>are</em> you here, Jacob?" I asked him pointedly.</p>
<p>"Like, here on the planet? I haven't figured that out yet. Maybe to annoy you and Quil." He smirked.</p>
<p>"No, jerk-face," I rolled my eyes. "I mean, at the hospital. If you're <em>so</em> happy, how did you end up here?"</p>
<p>"Long story." He muttered as he took a big bite of mashed potatoes.</p>
<p>His eyes seemed to lose some of their sparkle when he answered, and his face fell slightly. He had his reasons, I was sure. Maybe he was just better at hiding them than the rest of us.</p>
<p>Quil turned to me. "Jacob has a pretty messed up story. He doesn't like to talk about it."</p>
<p>Jacob's eyes narrowed. "So does Quil."</p>
<p>"Alright, we don't have to compare whose story is more fucked up. We're all here because of some kind of pain caused by something, right?" Quil responded. I nodded in agreement with him.</p>
<p>"And why are you here, Bella?" Jacob asked me mockingly.</p>
<p>I was embarrassed because I still couldn't fully remember. "Pass."</p>
<p>"Guess we're all pretty fucking broken and in denial about it," Quil paused then started speaking loudly. "Isn't the first step forward to admit and talk about our problems?" He asked jeeringly and started looking around the room theatrically, playfully expecting praise for saying the "right" thing. I cracked a smile.</p>
<p>"Well, maybe the three of us together make one whole person, then… Think about it – Bella is the brains. Quil, you're the charming, lovable personality, and I'm the devilishly good looks." Jacob dramatically flipped his hair behind his shoulders on each side with a silly, dreamy expression on his face.</p>
<p>Quil and I both glanced at each other and laughed. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed. It felt nice – less numb. Maybe Jacob had a small point with the optimism thing that I ripped him for earlier. Laughing was good medicine.</p>
<p>"More like goofy and freakishly tall in the looks department." I said playfully.</p>
<p>"I'll take it," Jacob grinned as our eyes locked for a couple of seconds. I felt myself blush and looked down at my tray of food. I hadn't blushed in God knows how long. Maybe the medications weren't numbing me as much as I thought; it was probably just the depressive disorder. I would ask Maddie, my social worker, in my therapy session later.</p>
<p>"Did they change your meds today, Quil, like you were thinking?"</p>
<p>"Nah, I'm still on the Zoloft and Buspirone." He said.</p>
<p>"Me too," Jacob said. "Bella?"</p>
<p>"Oh, um," I had to think to recall the names. "Lexapro and Ativan. They told me the Ativan is as needed, and they'll give it to me if I'm overly anxious."</p>
<p>"Ativan makes me sleep like a fucking baby," Jacob commented. "I wish that's what they prescribed me this time around."</p>
<p>"Do you live here in Port Angeles, Bella?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>"No, I live in Forks."</p>
<p>"Quil and I live in La Push and go to school on the reservation there; so, that's not too far from Forks." Jacob said with a smile.</p>
<p>"How old are you guys?" I asked.</p>
<p>"We're both 16," Quil answered. "You?"</p>
<p>"17."</p>
<p>All of a sudden, right after I answered Quil's question, someone started screaming bloody murder behind me. I instantly turned around in a panic, looking for the source of the noise.</p>
<p>It was a girl sitting at a table alone. She stood up, still screaming, started picking up the food on her plate with her hands, and began throwing it across the room.</p>
<p>"You can't do this! You are trying to kill us! They put poison in our food! Stop eating!" She screamed. I stared at her, wide eyed, as she kept shouting and throwing food.</p>
<p>Three techs walked over to her. Two tried to get her to sit down and one was trying to get her food tray away from her. She kicked one of them and spit in another's face. "Don't trust them! They're all lying to us! We're not the crazy ones! They are!"</p>
<p>One of the techs pressed a button on his walkie talkie. "Code four!"</p>
<p>"Shit, she's getting the shot." Quil muttered.</p>
<p>I turned to look at him. "The what?"</p>
<p>"If someone is uncontrollable like that, a nurse comes and gives them a shot that knocks them out."</p>
<p>That sounded scary. I continued to watch as a nurse ran into the room and, sure enough, Quil was right. The girl started screaming even more. She thrashed, trying to run away from the techs and the nurse. The techs held her firmly. One of them pushed her to the ground, pinning her shoulders. The other two each held one of her legs and one of her hips.</p>
<p>"No! Someone, please help me! They're killing me, killing me!" The girl screamed.</p>
<p>I wished that I could go help her in some way, but I was frozen to my chair, terrified. The nurse forcefully jabbed the needle into the girl's arm. The techs and the nurse told her over and over that she needed to relax for the medicine to help her. She went limp within a minute or two.</p>
<p>"Taking her to seclusion." One of the techs said into his walkie talkie before they carried her out of the cafeteria. She was fully unconscious.</p>
<p>Once she was gone, I turned back forward in my seat and stared down at my food again. I couldn't think. I was frozen and numb again.</p>
<p>"Bella," I heard Jacob say. "Are you alright? I know it can be scary to see something like that…"</p>
<p>I looked up at him after a few seconds and saw genuine empathy and compassion in his eyes. He wasn't going to make a joke out of this. One of my hands went up to my face as I scrubbed the tears away from my cheeks. I hadn't even realized I was crying until just then.</p>
<p>Was that girl going to be okay? How could she be screaming uncontrollably one minute and fall limp the next? If it was scary for me to watch, I could only imagine what it must have felt like for her.</p>
<p>Jacob reached across the table and placed his hand on top of mine. "She's going to be fine, Bella… Depending on how much they gave her, she'll just be out for the rest of the day and feel kind of sick tomorrow."</p>
<p>I was thankful that he was in-tune with my silent thoughts and questions. His big, warm hand also felt good on top of my icy cold fingers. He made me feel a little less numb and a little more safe.</p>
<p>"Has that happened to either of you before?" I asked, scared for the answer.</p>
<p>"No, thank God… If there even <em>is</em> a God after watching <em>that</em>." Quil said.</p>
<p>"It hasn't happened to me, either. I've just seen a lot of people get them." Jacob responded.</p>
<p>I nodded, relieved. We were all pretty silent for the rest of lunch. Jacob never moved his hand.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>After lunch, Maddie found me and said I could call my parents. I eagerly followed her into her office where she shut the door and guided me to a chair near the office phone.</p>
<p>"I wrote their numbers for you on a sticky note right in front of the phone, just in case you didn't remember them. I have to stay in here with you and monitor your conversations. I know it might feel intrusive, but it's the hospital's policy. After your conversations, we'll have our therapy session."</p>
<p>Maddie seemed nice. I trusted her so far. "Okay." I responded as I picked up the phone and dialed my dad's phone number first.</p>
<p>It was Sunday, according to the calendar in front of me on Maddie's desk (I wouldn't have known otherwise). My dad should be home.</p>
<p>He answered after one ring. "Hello?"</p>
<p>"Dad?" I said, suddenly feeling a lump form in my throat.</p>
<p>"Bella? Oh, honey, I've been so worried about you," I thought I heard him get choked up, too. He really must have been distressed. I felt more guilt wash over me. "Are you okay, Bell?"</p>
<p>"Yes, dad. I'm okay… Today has been an okay day." Except for what happened in the middle of lunch… But I guessed <em>I</em> was doing better, and I didn't want to worry Charlie.</p>
<p>"Tell me about it."</p>
<p>"Well, I ate breakfast, went to a group therapy thing, read a little, and just got done with lunch before calling you… I made a couple of friends during lunch, so that was good."</p>
<p>"Honey, you sound so much better. I was really worried about you."</p>
<p>"I'm okay now, dad. I'm really sorry for everything… I'm going to work hard to keep getting better."</p>
<p>That's what I told him. But I didn't really know what "everything was," or what I was "getting better "from.</p>
<p>"That's good to hear, Bells. Have you called your mother yet?"</p>
<p>"Not yet. I am going to once I'm off the phone with you."</p>
<p>"Well, I won't keep you then. She's been bugging me every hour, anxious to speak to you, too."</p>
<p>"Okay, dad… I love you. I'll call you tomorrow. I think we are allowed to call every day around this time." I looked to Maddie to clarify if needed, but she just nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>"I love you too, Bell. I'll keep my cell on me tomorrow. Bye, honey."</p>
<p>Charlie hung up the phone. I dialed my mom's number immediately. She answered after one ring and immediately went into hysterics. She was a blubbering mess, to the point of me not being able to understand her for a few minutes. She finally calmed down and we were able to chat for about ten minutes. I got her off the phone by telling her I had my therapy appointment and needed to go. She reluctantly ended the call after telling me she loved me, and that she would talk to me tomorrow.</p>
<p>Maddie smiled once I hung up the phone. "Come sit on the couch, Bella, where it's a little more comfortable." I listened and sat down on the couch opposite of her.</p>
<p>Maddie started by explaining confidentiality, informed consent, and safely regulations to me. It was all pretty standard.</p>
<p>"Do you have questions about any of those things, Bella?"</p>
<p>I shook my head. "No, I don't think so."</p>
<p>"Okay," Maddie smiled lightly. "How has today been for you here?"</p>
<p>"Okay, I guess… I made a couple of friends. Lunch was a little scary."</p>
<p>Maddie's brow furrowed. "What was scary at lunch?"</p>
<p>"A… a girl was screaming and throwing food. Then a nurse came into the cafeteria and gave her a shot that caused her to go unconscious." I felt my stomach flip flop with anxiety at the memory.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry that frightened you… Unfortunately, that happens often here when we are unable to calm people down."</p>
<p>"Isn't there any other way?" I asked, feeling like it was absolutely inhumane and morally wrong.</p>
<p>The corners of Maddie's mouth turned down into a small frown. "You're so empathetic to others, Bella. That's a big strength I'm starting to notice in you… I think we all wish there was a way around giving a shot like that. Sometimes it's overused, but sometimes it's the only option."</p>
<p>I nodded and stayed quiet for a minute or two; it felt warm and inviting with Maddie, which wasn't what I expected... She didn't make me rush, and she was comfortable with the silence while I organized my thoughts.</p>
<p>"I have a question about my medications and depression," I said. Maddie waited for me to continue. "This morning, I was feeling kind of numb and foggy… as the day's gone on, I've started feeling a little more level – like, I can feel my emotions, but they aren't overwhelming. Is that how it's supposed to feel?"</p>
<p>"Well, first of all, there are no 'supposed to-s,'" Maddie lightly smiled. "Secondly, I think your mind has been under a lot of stress, so it's keeping you in that 'foggy' state. Maybe you started to feel some safety today, which has helped you to feel 'more level,' as you called it."</p>
<p>"Yes, I think you're right… But I can't remember why I'm here, or how I even got here. I keep trying, but nothing comes up… You told me this morning that I've been having nightmares about my ex-boyfriend?"</p>
<p>"That's not uncommon, Bella. And yes, you've been having nightmares. Can you tell me what you remember about Mike?"</p>
<p>"Um… Mike broke up with me. I thought that he loved me. I loved him, anyway… I think. Well, I don't know if I did. It feels stupid that I would be in a mental hospital just because I got dumped… I feel like there has to be more I'm not recalling." I said, looking down at the coffee table in between us.</p>
<p>"Bella," Maddie said in a kind voice. She waited for me to look up before she continued. "Broken hearts are one of the most painful things in the world. You are not weak or stupid because you are here… And there <em>is</em> more to the story that I can share with you if you are ready to hear some of it."</p>
<p>I nodded. She continued a couple seconds later. "Bella, you tried to commit suicide four days ago… But the important thing is that you're safe and you're healing, just like you mentioned on the phone to your dad."</p>
<p>As she talked, I felt my eyes get wide. My stomach knotted, and I felt nauseous. My breathing and heart rate increased as my palms got sweaty. All the blood drained from my face.… <em>I tried to kill myself? Why!?</em></p>
<p>I hunched forward and felt my body quiver. I buried my face in my hands. I willed myself to remember. How could I forget something like that!? I <em>was</em> crazy.</p>
<p>Suddenly, weird fragments of memories started to surface:</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashing red and blue lights, bottles of pills, my dad yelling in panic, feeling like I was floating…</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Breathe Me" by Sia<br/></strong><em>Ouch I have lost myself again</em><em><br/></em><em>Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found</em><em><br/></em><em>Yeah I think that I might break<br/>L</em><em>ost myself again and I feel unsafe</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I hunched forward and felt my body quiver. I buried my face in my hands. I willed myself to remember. How could I forget something like that!? I was crazy.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Suddenly, weird fragments of memories started to surface:</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashing red and blue lights, bottles of pills, my dad yelling in panic, feeling like I was floating…</em>
</p>
<p>"Bella," Maddie said gently. "Notice your feet on the floor… Now, look around the room and name five things you can see." I tried to focus on Maddie's request the best I could: <em>tissue box, book, pen, my shoes, and a fan.</em></p>
<p>"Now, touch four different things." <em>The couch cushion, my scrub pants, my hair, and the coffee table.</em></p>
<p>"Name three things you can hear." <em>A white noise machine, feet shuffling in the hallway outside, and my breathing.</em></p>
<p>"Notice if you can smell anything, then pop this into your mouth and notice the taste," Maddie said as she handed me a piece of gum. I couldn't smell anything, but I put the gum in my mouth and focused on the spearmint flavor as I chewed.</p>
<p>Maddie waited several seconds. "Better?"</p>
<p>I nodded and took a deep breath. "You were starting to have a panic attack… One way to mitigate panic symptoms is to focus on your senses and chew something." Maddie explained. I nodded again. My stomach was still in knots. "Are you able to explain to me what caused the panic?"</p>
<p>I focused on the chewing gum again and took a few deep breaths. "I… I… Don't remember," was all I could choke out.</p>
<p>"You don't remember your suicide attempt?" Maddie asked gently. I nodded.</p>
<p>"That's common, Bella. Do you remember how I explained 'dissociation' to you?"</p>
<p>I cleared my throat. "Yes… Your brain kind of shuts down when things feels too stressful. It's a form of protection."</p>
<p>"Yes, that's right. The details of your suicide attempt still feel too scary. It will take some time for your brain to feel safe again. Your memories might come back in segments."</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashing red and blue lights, bottles of pills, my dad yelling in panic, feeling like I was floating…</em>
</p>
<p>Yeah, that was already happening. I snapped my eyes closed.</p>
<p>"Are you remembering things now?" Maddie guessed. I nodded. "That's okay, Bella. Take a moment and take some deep breaths. You're safe."</p>
<p><em>I am safe. Deep breath. I am safe. Deep breath.</em> I said like a mantra.</p>
<p>"When will I remember all the details?" I finally asked.</p>
<p>"In time, Bella. Your brain still needs rest; it will let you remember once it feels ready."</p>
<p>"Okay," I responded. "Does that mean I'm crazy – for not being able to remember everything?"</p>
<p>"No, Bella, of course not. You and your brain are always doing the best they can. Please be kind to yourself."</p>
<p>My session with Maddie was over soon after that. She said I should tell one of the techs if I was feeling panic again, and they would have a nurse give me an Ativan.</p>
<p>Maddie walked me back to my room. Then I was alone. There was another bed in my room, but no one had been in here with me the last four days. Well, from what I could remember, anyway.</p>
<p>I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. My mind was still swimming. I needed a break, an escape. Soon, I was fast asleep.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>I woke up later to someone yelling.</p>
<p>"Paging Bella Swan!"</p>
<p>"Bella! You're needed for friend duty! Please report to the nearest hallway!"</p>
<p>I rubbed my eyes as I sat up. I wondered how long I'd been asleep. I felt super disoriented. It was bright outside from what I could see through the windows… Did I sleep all through the night from yesterday afternoon? That wasn't like me. No, it had to still be the same day. I must have just slept for an hour or two.</p>
<p>"Beeeeeelllaaaaaaaa! Come out, come out wherever you are!"</p>
<p>"Boys!" I heard a woman's voice. "You are not allowed over here on the girls' unit. You need to go back to your own unit or go to the social room."</p>
<p>"Ma'am, I'm afraid we cannot leave until our friend is located! You see, she's quite the Debbie Downer, and we need to find her to eradicate her broody temperament!" I heard Jacob declare.</p>
<p>I rolled my eyes and laughed as I stood up and walked out of my door-less room. At the end of the girls' hallway stood Jacob and Quil, both of them smiling as they gestured for me to join them.</p>
<p>"We've located her. Mission accomplished!" Jacob said as he winked and saluted the woman who had just scolded them. The woman appeared to be a nurse. She frowned as I walked past her and over to Jacob and Quil. We immediately turned and started making our way down the hallway away from her.</p>
<p>I stifled a yawn, still trying to wake up. "Were you asleep?" Jacob asked.</p>
<p>"Yeah… What time is it anyway?"</p>
<p>"A little after 4:00… Dinner's at 6:00, so we can hang out in the beloved social room until then." Jacob responded.</p>
<p>"How was therapy for you?" Quil asked as we continued walking.</p>
<p>I shrugged. I didn't want to open <em>that</em> can of worms again today. "It was nice being able to talk to my parents. I missed them."</p>
<p>"I feel ya. I miss my mom. I talked to her for a bit today." Quil agreed.</p>
<p>"Jacob?" I asked.</p>
<p>"Hmm?"</p>
<p>"Did you talk to anyone?" I asked.</p>
<p>He smiled. "Nah, I don't talk to my family much… sometimes I'll call my older sisters, but that's it."</p>
<p>"Oh," I responded. I immediately wondered if his family was part of his "messed up story," as Quil had called it earlier.</p>
<p>We rounded another corner before Jacob jogged ahead of us. He stopped in front of a doorway and turned around with his arms extended as he clasped the doorframe. He blocked my view of the room with his height and extended arms.</p>
<p>"Okay, Bella," he grinned. "Are you excited to see the most glorious hellhole of all time?"</p>
<p>"Hellhole? C'mon, Jake. Respect the lice infested couches, the puke stained rug, and the B.O. smell. Have some courtesy, my God." Quil chimed in sarcastically.</p>
<p>I laughed at them both. It was hard not to. "Okay, let me see the digs."</p>
<p>Jacob turned and pushed the door open. Quil's description was pretty accurate. There was a large table with chairs scattered around it as soon as you walked in. To the right, there were three couches, all covered in thick plastic. There was a large rug with some strange stains that rested on the floor in between the couches. An old TV was strapped to a tall cart, like you would see in a classroom, and <em>Finding Nemo</em> was playing on the screen.</p>
<p>There were five other teenagers in the room. Two were drawing, two were playing a game of checkers at the table, and one was sitting alone on one of the couches.</p>
<p>There were two techs in the room. They were sitting off to the side, playing around on their cellphones. They glanced up once in a while and looked around the room.</p>
<p>Jacob walked over and fist bumped everyone. They all smiled up at him as he made his rounds. I watched him, kind of in awe, wondering again how he could be so sociable and uplifting to everyone.</p>
<p>"Jake's a social butterfly, in case you haven't noticed," Quil murmured to me. He nodded toward the couches, so I followed him. He sat down on a couch to the left. Someone else was sitting on the one in the middle, so I sat alone on the one to the right.</p>
<p>"I swear if they don't get a new fucking movie playing up in this joint, I'm going to leave another unidentifiable stain on that carpet." Quil said dryly.</p>
<p>"They don't play any other movies?"</p>
<p>"Eh, they mix it up every day. I'm just tired of the little kid crap."</p>
<p>I glanced to my left briefly to scrutinize the guy on the couch I had never seen before. He wasn't in group earlier today. He was tall and looked muscular. He was staring straight ahead at the T.V. with a completely blank, kind of glossy, expression on his face. His eyes were dark. His name tag was turned around, so I didn't know what his name was. I turned back to the T.V.</p>
<p>"What do you usually do for fun, Bella?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>"I don't really have hobbies," I shrugged. "I have a couple of friends at school that I hang out with sometimes. I read books. That's really it. What about you?" I felt dread all of a sudden as I thought about going back to school after this. I wondered what the rumor mill would make of my hospitalization.</p>
<p>"Jake and I hang out on the beach a lot. We have this little side job thing where we fix cars, motorcycles, and other things for people on the reservation."</p>
<p>"Sounds more exciting than my lame hobbies."</p>
<p>"What did the Earth say to the other planets?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>I looked at Quil, confused. "I don't know. What?"</p>
<p>"Ha, losers. You guys have no life!"</p>
<p>I started laughing at his joke. Quil was quickly becoming one of my favorite people to be around. He was easy to talk to. I felt like I could just be myself. There wasn't any pressure to pretend.</p>
<p>After a few minutes of continuing to chat with Quil and watch the movie, Jacob asked from across the room, "Bella, Quil, you guys wanna play a card game? Maybe Spoons or Speed?"</p>
<p>"Sure," Quil responded unenthusiastically as he looked at me and rolled his eyes. I laughed quietly then stood up to follow him.</p>
<p>It all happened really quickly after that. I took a few steps to get around the middle couch. The quiet guy sitting there grabbed my wrist and my thigh, pulling me onto the couch next to him. I scrambled to get up, but he shifted so he was hovering over me, gripping both of my wrists in one hand as he bent his knee and used his leg to hold down both of my legs. Adrenaline kicked in as I thrashed, trying to get away from him. His grip tightened. This felt familiar… <em>Why</em> did this feel familiar?</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashing red and blue lights, bottles of pills, my dad yelling in panic, feeling like I was floating…</em>
</p>
<p>Terror rose in my body as I screamed as loud as I could. My eyes snapped shut.</p>
<p>I heard Quil's voice. "Get off of her!"</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike holding my wrists too tight, his hand gripping my hip, him backing me against a wall…</em>
</p>
<p>I screamed again. I felt movement and commotion happening above me, but my eyes were still shut, and I was still pinned down.</p>
<p>"What the fuck are you doing!?" I recognized Jacob's voice. "Let go of her!"</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike forcing his lips against mine as he pinned me again the wall, me fighting him the best I could, trying to kick him to get him off of me, him gripping me tighter, me trying to scream…</em>
</p>
<p>"Jacob! Quil! Get out of the way!" I heard an unidentifiable voice.</p>
<p>"No!" Jacob yelled back. I felt more tugging then heard a repeated pounding sound.</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike unbuttoning my pants and shoving them down along with my underwear, me trying to scream and beg him to leave me alone as I struggled against his iron grip, but being unable to find my voice, terror flooding my body as he shoved his own pants down, then me going numb and limp, floating…</em>
</p>
<p>Going numb. Yes, that was the solution.</p>
<p>I could do that now, too. I kept my eyes closed and drifted away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Til It Happens To You" by Lady Gaga<br/></strong><em>You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time</em><em><br/></em><em>You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together</em><em><br/></em><em>You'll be fine</em><em><br/></em><em>Tell me what the hell do you know</em><em><br/></em><em>What do you know</em><em><br/></em><em>Tell me how the hell could you know</em><em><br/></em><em>How could you know<br/></em><em>'Til it happens to you, you don't know</em><em><br/></em><em>How it feels</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>"Bella? Bella, can you hear me?"</p>
<p>I heard a voice saying my name, but I couldn't figure out how to open my eyes yet. I was at that point where you weren't sure if you wanted to go back to sleep or wake up.</p>
<p>"Bella, you're safe… Open your eyes when you're ready."</p>
<p>I was safe? Of course, I was. I was just taking a nap, right? Wait… No, that wasn't right. My eyes shot open as I remembered what was happening – someone was pinning me down. I sat up quickly in a panic again as I frantically scanned the room, all my muscles tightening.</p>
<p>I was still in the social room. No one else was here. Did they give me that scary shot I saw that girl get?</p>
<p>"Bella," the voice said again. I finally made eye contact with the person who kept saying my name. It was Maddie. "You are safe now. It's okay."</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again for a second. When I opened them, Maddie was looking at me empathetically. "I am so sorry that Derek was in here today… He was not supposed to be. The techs were not paying close enough attention. That <em>won't</em> happen again. I will be sure of it."</p>
<p>"Okay," I closed my eyes. I wanted to ask Maddie about what I remembered about Mike… But I felt sick to my stomach as my heart rate accelerated. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over. I couldn't find the words.</p>
<p>"I know that was scary." Maddie said. I opened my eyes and looked at her. I begged for her to read my silent agony and ask me a question that could make my brain work. Isn't that what therapists were good at?</p>
<p>"Maybe that was scarier for you because of what happened with Mike?" She asked.</p>
<p>She knew? How did she know? I didn't even know until however long ago. I wondered how long I had been out. Probably not too long. There was still some light coming in through the windows.</p>
<p>I nodded to Maddie. "Yes," I said in a small voice. "It was like… like a flashback… I still don't know…" I closed my eyes again and let the sobs come.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Bella. You're starting to remember. Let yourself feel it."</p>
<p>I took a deep breath after a couple of minutes of choking on sobs. "There's still a lot of holes in my memory… Can you… fill in the gaps for me?"</p>
<p>"Let's talk about it during your session tomorrow. I think you've had enough anxiety-provoking experiences for one day."</p>
<p>"Okay, that's probably a good idea," Maddie handed me a tissue box. I took one and unattractively blew my nose after wiping the tears from my face.</p>
<p>"Do you want to join your friends for dinner, or would you like for me to have someone bring you dinner to your room? Derek will not be in the cafeteria."</p>
<p>"Um," I thought about it for a few seconds. Maybe Jacob and Quil could fill in the gaps about what happened with Derek. "I'll sit with my friends."</p>
<p>"Okay, they're waiting right outside in the hallway for you." I slowly stood up from the couch, muttered a quick thank you to Maddie, then took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway.</p>
<p>Quil and Jacob were several yards away, leaning up against a wall, talking. Jacob was holding, what looked like, and ice pack to the left side of his lip and chin.</p>
<p>Quil noticed me first, which caused Jacob to turn around, too. They both walked over to me quickly.</p>
<p>"Are you okay!?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, Bella! That Derek guy has a lot of issues… I should have warned you, or I should have been watching more carefully." Jacob frowned. I saw that his lip was swollen and cut open.</p>
<p>"Jacob! What happened to your lip?" I asked immediately. He shrugged.</p>
<p>"Jacob kind of wailed on that Derek kid after getting him off of you. Derek got in one good punch before the techs separated all of us." Quil explained.</p>
<p>I looked back at Jacob. "<em>You</em> pulled him off of me?"</p>
<p>"Well, it was a team effort," he said, glancing to Quil. "But I might've kicked his ass a little to make sure he doesn't do any shit like that again – to you or to anyone else."</p>
<p>I looked at Quil first. "Thank you."</p>
<p>"No problem." Quil said solemnly. "I have a lot of baggage around men hurting women… I've seen my mom get beat up by my dad for most of my life. I won't put up with shit like that."</p>
<p>I reached out and touched Quil's arm. "One of your reasons for being here, huh?"</p>
<p>"Yep, one of them." Quil answered. I gave him a tight smile before turning to Jacob.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry you got hurt. Please don't put yourself at risk like that for me again."</p>
<p>"Oh, I would do it again. I've had way worse, trust me. This is nothing. Plus," he smiled. "I'm a quick healer."</p>
<p>"Well, thank you." I said.</p>
<p>The three of us turned and started walking to the cafeteria – all of us a little broken, full of pain, and still friends anyway. I thought about Jacob's comment earlier about us all being a part that made a whole person. It seemed incredibly true now, more than ever, for some reason.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"If you're ready, tell me about what you remembered yesterday, Bella." Maddie said to me the next day during our therapy session. I just sat down on her couch after talking to my parents again on her office phone.</p>
<p>"I… I don't know if I can… say it out loud." I said in a quiet voice.</p>
<p>Maddie set a pad of paper and pen down on the coffee table between us. She scooted it closer to me. "Whenever something traumatic happens to us, the part of our brain that's in-charge of language often shuts off. So, that makes sense that you feel like you can't say it out loud. Sometimes it can be easier to write or draw about."</p>
<p>That made a lot of sense. I reached for the pad of paper and pen. I balanced it on my lap for a second, contemplating.</p>
<p>After a few minutes, I slowly wrote:</p>
<p>
  <em>I think Mike tried to rape me… I don't know if he did or not.</em>
</p>
<p>I cautiously set the paper back down on the coffee table. Maddie reached for it, read my note without changing her expression, wrote something, and scooted the pad back to me. It said:</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike didn't rape you. Your dad came home before he could, but he did assault you.</em>
</p>
<p>I tossed the notepad and pen onto the coffee table as I closed my eyes, placing my hands over them. <em>How could this be true!?</em> <em>How did this happen to me!?</em></p>
<p>The memories started flooding back in again, just like they did yesterday:</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike holding my wrists too tight, his hand gripping my hip, him backing me against a wall…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike forcing his lips against mine as he pinned me again the wall, me fighting him the best I could, trying to kick him to get him off of me, him gripping me tighter, me trying to scream…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike unbuttoning my pants and shoving them down with my underwear, me screaming and begging him to leave me alone as I struggled against his iron grip, terror flooding my body as he shoved his own pants down, then me going numb and limp, floating…</em>
</p>
<p>Why couldn't I remember anything else? I racked my brain. There were so many holes. I remembered Mike breaking up with me. He said that he didn't want to be with "a bitch that wouldn't sleep with him." I remembered that clearly, but nothing else… Why was Mike at my house anyway?</p>
<p>"Bella," Maddie said gently. "I think you remembered some of the details about Mike yesterday because the incident with Derek was similar. Our brains store memories that are alike together, in little memory networks. So, it triggered you to have a flashback yesterday when the situation was similar."</p>
<p>I nodded then opened my eyes. "Please… please just tell me the whole story. I can't handle it… Not remembering everything is driving me insane."</p>
<p>Maddie nodded and took a deep breath. "I'll tell you what I know from your dad and from the police detective, but this is their information, not yours. You may have different memories that are surfacing."</p>
<p>I nodded, not breaking my gaze with Maddie. I wanted her to continue. I reached for a couch pillow and hugged it in front of me, gripping the sides.</p>
<p>"According to your dad, you and your ex-boyfriend, Mike, broke up about two weeks ago now. He wasn't sure why. From what the detective the night of the incident has deduced, Mike came over to your house and said he wanted to reconcile your relationship. You said no, which made Mike angry... He backed you into a corner, took off your pants and underwear and his own pants, too. You tried to get away, but he wouldn't let you." Maddie paused, gaging my reaction. I nodded, letting her know I was still listening.</p>
<p>"You dad came home and saw what was happening. Your dad, coming from work already, tased Mike, called for backup, and asked the female detective to come over. Mike was arrested and charged with battery and false imprisonment… Your dad said you were 'checked-out' after everything that night. He said he kept coming into your room to check on you, but you never left your bed. He heard you taking a shower the next night and came in to tell you goodnight once you were back in your room. That's when he found you unconscious on your floor from taking a lot of different pills. You came to the hospital that night, five days ago now."</p>
<p><em>I'm safe. Deep breath. I'm safe. Deep breath. I'm safe. Deep breath. </em>I said my mantra over and over.</p>
<p>"My dad tased someone?" I finally asked. For whatever reason, that was the piece of information I clung to because everything else felt too scary and intense to really sift through.</p>
<p>Maddie briefly smiled. "I'm surprised that's all he did with how much he loves and cares about you."</p>
<p>I snorted lightly. "Yeah," I paused. "Mike… He broke up with me two weeks ago because I told him I wasn't ready to have sex with him."</p>
<p>"It sounds like he is a pompous, self-absorbed miscreant."</p>
<p>I laughed. "That's the nicest way I've ever heard someone say, 'asshole,' before." Maddie laughed too, but we were quiet and serious again after a few seconds.</p>
<p>"What do I do now, Maddie? I mean… How do I move forward and put this behind me?" I asked.</p>
<p>"I don't think it's really about putting this behind you, Bella… I think it's about moving forward with this being a small piece of your story… It's about finding your power and taking it back from that asshole that tried to take it away… But more importantly, you first have to feel the emotional pain of it all; you have to feel it to release it; name it to tame it."</p>
<p>Whoa. Those were powerful words.</p>
<p>I grabbed Maddie's notepad and pen. I flipped to a clean page and wrote:</p>
<p>
  <em>Find your power again. This is only a small piece of your story; don't let it define you. But it's also </em>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <em> weak to feel the pain.</em>
</p>
<p>After I wrote that and ripped the page out to take with me, I pulled my knees into my chest and cried the rest of the therapy session.</p>
<p>I cried because men were still getting away with treating women this way.</p>
<p>I cried because it happened to me.</p>
<p>I cried because I wasn't physically strong enough to stop it.</p>
<p>I cried because I felt guilty even though I knew none of it was my fault.</p>
<p>I cried because I felt broken, dirty, and damaged.</p>
<p>I cried because my first sexual experience was one of immense terror instead of love.</p>
<p>I cried because my dad found me unconscious from overdosing on pills.</p>
<p>I cried because I felt weak for attempting suicide.</p>
<p>I cried because I hated the world.</p>
<p>I cried because I hated myself.</p>
<p>I cried because of it all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Let's Hurt Tonight" by OneRepublic<br/></strong><em>Oh, I know that this love is pain</em><em><br/></em><em>But we can't cut it from out these veins, no</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I'll hit the lights and you lock the doors<br/>Tell me all of the things that you couldn't before<br/>Don't walk away, don't roll your eyes<br/>They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>One hell of a crazy week was all it took for the three of us – Quil, Jacob, and I – to become inseparable. I felt like I'd known them my entire life. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't with them. I could just be me, and that was enough.</p>
<p>It was Wednesday now. Jacob and I had two more days here. Quil left tomorrow morning. We were sitting in the social room after dinner. No one else was in there with us except two techs, which was nice.</p>
<p>We were all laying on the rug in front of the T.V. that was playing <em>Toy Story</em>. It baffled me that they only played little kid movies for us, but whatever.</p>
<p>"'You are a sad, strange little man,'" Jacob elbowed Quil, mocking one of the movie quotes.</p>
<p>"That's not inaccurate," Quil laughed bleakly.</p>
<p>I propped my head up on my elbow as I turned to look at Quil. "Why do you do that?"</p>
<p>"Do what?"</p>
<p>"I don't know… Make self-deprecating comments all the time. At first, I thought you were just joking around, but I think you're being serious more often than not."</p>
<p>"I have a lot of dark humor… We all find the inevitable doom at some point. Some of us just take longer to get there than others," Quil glanced toward Jake. "I like to think I was enlightened by it years ago. Or darkened by it, I guess, is a better way of saying it."</p>
<p>"Quil, be serious." I said.</p>
<p>He sighed and looked at me. "Oh, I am. Can you tell me an effective way to escape all the suffering we have to endure in life? I've been through a lot of shit… Some days, it feels like my humor's all I have left; it masks some of the misery."</p>
<p>We were all quiet for a minute or two. I sat up and looked at both of them. Maybe if I was courageous, they would be, too. Maddie recently told me that part of breaking the shame around mental health struggles was to speak about our stories when we felt safe enough to.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and started talking before I could chicken out. "I tried to kill myself… That's why I was admitted to the hospital. My ex-boyfriend, Mike, broke up with me when I wouldn't have sex with him… He came over to my house one night after our breakup and said he wanted us to get back together. I said no. He forced himself on me… pinned me against a wall. I couldn't get away," I looked down, closed my eyes, and took another deep breath. The tears were starting to flow, but I didn't stop my story. I sniffed and wiped my eyes. Quil and Jacob both sat up, intently listening.</p>
<p>"He… He only got my bottoms off and lifted my shirt up… It didn't go further than that because my dad came home and saw what was happening. After that, I just remember blurry chaos – my dad and Mike yelling, more police showing up, a woman taking me into my room and asking me questions… I guess it was all too much for me to handle, so the next day I swallowed the contents of our medicine cabinet. The last thing I remember is feeling like I was floating away from it all... Then I woke up here three or four days later."</p>
<p>Neither one of them said anything for a while. Jacob reached across and put his hand on top of mine, just like he had a week ago in the cafeteria. I looked up at him carefully. I felt like his expression matched my own, like he fully understood where I was coming from.</p>
<p>He didn't have to say anything for me to feel, and see, his empathy; it was tangible just by his touch and eye contact. I felt my shoulders relax as I looked at his face. He was a safe person to share my story with. I flipped my hand over, and our fingers interlocked without hesitation, as we kept our steady eye contact.</p>
<p>It was like my hand was <em>supposed</em> to be connected to his. He was so warm – it felt incredibly comforting and safe.</p>
<p>When I broke my gaze away from Jacob, Quil was staring at the carpet. He looked up at me, then back down before he spoke. "My dad is a piece of shit. He used to beat up my mom pretty bad sometimes. Since I was a little kid… My mom tried to leave him a few times, but it never worked for a lot of different reasons – money, mainly… Well, like five or six years ago, my dad started doing some hardcore drugs – heroine and meth. He got my mom into it, too."</p>
<p>He sighed loudly and put his hand over his eyes. He used his thumb and index finger to rub his eyelids. I wasn't sure if he was crying or not since the only light in the room was coming from the T.V. "I had to go live with my aunt about a year ago. My mom's in rehab right now, and my dad's in jail because he got pulled over by a cop and had the drugs in his car. My mom sounds okay right now, but she's been in rehab twice before… She relapsed as soon as she got out the last time when she met some new guy that was also into drugs… I'm at the hospital right now because I tried to kill myself, too, by slitting my wrists, the last time my mom relapsed. My aunt found me, and I was brought here."</p>
<p>My tears continued flowing quietly down my cheeks as I listened to Quil's heartbreaking story. I couldn't imagine growing up the way he had. It must have been insanely scary all the time… The two people he was supposed to be able to count on, his parents, were incredibly broken, leaving him to fend for himself in this cold, dark world.</p>
<p>I reached over and placed my hand on Quil's knee. Jacob put his free hand on Quil's shoulder. We sat quietly like this for several minutes, just being together in the pain of it all.</p>
<p>"I guess none of our stories are pretty. That's why we're here, right? We're all pretty fucked up?" Quil finally spoke, breaking the silence.</p>
<p>I squeezed Jacob's hand and looked up at him, waiting for him to share, too. He met my gaze but shook his head slightly before looking down.</p>
<p>"Jake," I said quietly. He didn't look back up.</p>
<p>"He's not gonna share, Bella," Quil said. "Jacob's my second cousin and best friend, so I've known him my entire life, and he rarely lets me into his head. He hides underneath his optimism armor, trying to help everyone else, but never himself… I think he was an idiot and purposefully got admitted to the hospital, this time around, to be here with me, but he won't admit to it."</p>
<p>Just knowing Jacob for a week, I knew Quil was absolutely right. Jacob stayed quiet. "Jake," I tried again. He met my gaze again. "You don't have to share anything. But," my voice broke a little. I was still crying from Quil's story. "Just please know that you don't have to carry everything on your own."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Bella… I know," he smiled. "Now, can we please just get back to watching the movie? Enough with the baggage. Besides, my stuff is so heavy, it would take two Bellas and three Quils to carry it all." He laughed and nudged both of our shoulders.</p>
<p>"You're saying I'm weaker than Bella?" Quil asked jokingly.</p>
<p>"Yes, that's <em>exactly</em> what I'm saying." Jacob laughed.</p>
<p>Quil looked at me and smiled. "Alright, you're right. Bella's a tough cookie… That Mike guy, on the other hand, if we ever run into him when we leave this hospital, he'll be cookie crumbs."</p>
<p>I smiled and moved my hand from his knee to wipe my eyes. "Thanks, Quil."</p>
<p>We all laid down again, settling back in to finish the rest of the movie in silence. I didn't let go of Jacob's hand again until the movie was over, and the tech told us we had to go back to our rooms for the night. We stood up and walked out into the hallway. I didn't think I would see Quil tomorrow, since he was leaving in the morning, so I gave him a tight hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.</p>
<p>"I knew you wanted me more than Jake." Quil teased.</p>
<p>I rolled my eyes and laughed because I knew he was totally joking, like always. "Don't worry, you're my favorite." Quil was so friendly and easygoing. I related to him so much and loved his company.</p>
<p>I saw Jacob make a disgruntled face at Quil in my peripheral vision, which made me start to think…</p>
<p>I just didn't relate to Jacob as much as Quil in many ways. Quil felt like my best friend. Jacob sort of felt like my friend, too, but it was definitely different.</p>
<p>Jacob was annoyingly self-righteous and extremely closed off to his feelings. He was my polar opposite in a lot of ways.</p>
<p>Jacob was the sun and I was the moon. He was loud and outgoing, and I was quiet and timid. He was warm, bright, and fully alive. I was cold, dark, and gloomy. Jacob was a warm spring day, and I was a cold, wintery night. He was beautifully sure of himself, and I was gawkily self-conscious.</p>
<p>But yet…</p>
<p>Jacob was also comfort and safety. Jacob felt like a blanket of protection. He was someone you always wanted around. Someone who would always have your back. He was incredibly loyal.</p>
<p>He was joy.</p>
<p>He was love.</p>
<p>He was…</p>
<p>Well, he was everything I wasn't. He was all the qualities I longed to have; the qualities I probably needed.</p>
<p>I wanted him to hold my hand through the rest of the curveballs life threw at me. I wanted him to wrap his strong, warm arms around me and envelope me into his buoyant bubble. I wanted him to sleep next to me and chase the nightmares away. It felt like he could take away my pain.</p>
<p>And conversely, I wanted him to feel safe enough to let someone in. To let <em>me</em> in. He didn't need to run away from his pain anymore; I would sit with him through the sludge and help him find his way out.</p>
<p>I wanted to steal some of his sunshine and give him some of my rain.</p>
<p>That's what life was <em>really</em> about anyway, right? Attempting to find the balance between the light and the dark? Jacob was the light and I was the dark. Without the dark, light could never exist and vice versa.</p>
<p>Maybe that's why it felt so damn good every time his warm hand enveloped my cold fingers – we were the missing piece that the other needed…</p>
<p>Or maybe I was just overthinking everything.</p>
<p>Yeah, it was probably just me overanalyzing.</p>
<p>"Send me a text when both of you are out, and we'll celebrate." Quil said, bringing me out of my thoughts.</p>
<p>"Deal." I responded.</p>
<p>I turned to Jake. "See you tomorrow?"</p>
<p>"Yes, of course. I'll see you at breakfast. Night, Bells." He smiled.</p>
<p>"Night." I said before turning and walking in the opposite direction of them.</p>
<p>I was about halfway down the hall when I heard Jacob say to Quil, "What the hell, man?"</p>
<p>It was quite echoey in the hallways here. I looked back briefly but turned around and kept walking slowly so I could hear the rest of their conversation without them noticing.</p>
<p>"C'mon, Jake," Quil said. I felt like I could hear his eye roll from the tone in his voice. "It's already written in the stars for the two of you. No one is stupid enough to step in between <em>that</em>."</p>
<p>I couldn't hear anything else decipherable after that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"You get to my favorite part in that book yet?" Jacob asked, startling me. He chuckled as he plopped down on the couch beside me.</p>
<p>We were in the social room, hanging out after dinner until the techs told us we had to go back to our rooms. Tomorrow, we were both leaving the hospital. I had been trying to finish this book, <em>Looking for Alaska</em>, all day since it was the hospital's copy. I had been so distracted, hanging out with Jacob and Quil, that I hadn't read it much after the first day of picking it up.</p>
<p>Since Quil was no longer here, it was only me and Jake today. That meant Jacob had to do his rounds – say hi and check-in with everyone – before hanging out with me.</p>
<p>"You've read this before?" I looked at Jacob incredulously.</p>
<p>"Several times, actually. I've been here a <em>few</em> times, remember? I get bored."</p>
<p>I wouldn't have pegged Jacob as an avid reader. "What's your favorite part?"</p>
<p>"Let me see where you're at in the book. I don't want to spoil it for you." Jacob plucked the novel away from me and scrutinized the page I was reading. "Okay, you've already read my favorite parts. First, when Alaska says, 'ya'll smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.' Second, when Alaska tells Pudge what the labyrinth is. Oh, and third, when someone pisses in the Colonel's shoes!"</p>
<p>I grinned. I wouldn't have imagined talking with Jacob about books. It didn't seem like him. "Why do you like those parts?"</p>
<p>"Well, the smoking cigarettes part, I can just relate to it… Not with smoking, but in other ways." He seemed like he was being cautious with his words, like he didn't want to share too much.</p>
<p>"And the labyrinth… Well, we are all trying to figure out how to combat suffering, aren't we? Alaska is on a quest to figure that out, and Pudge is on a mission to find something consequential, something real – 'the Great Perhaps.' Both characters are looking for the same thing – meaning, happiness, acceptance – without all the other bullshit. That's why I think Alaska and Pudge connect so deeply… But the Colonel is my favorite character – I would be him in the book; he's all about loyalty and hides his pain behind his pranks. And Quil," Jacob rolled his eyes. "Quil would be Alaska – enigmatically contemplative with grim humor – like smoking to die."</p>
<p>My eyes widened as Jake talked. I think my mouth fell open, too. I stared at Jacob, feeling dumbfounded and speechless.</p>
<p>You know how sometimes someone says something, or you read something, and it just makes things click in your mind? Like, you resonate so much with what that person has just said, or what you've just read, because it feels completely true, completely real? That's how I was feeling about Jacob's analysis of the book.</p>
<p>"What," Jacob laughed, "you didn't think I was that smart?"</p>
<p>I shook my head. "No! No, that's not it at all. What you said… Well, it was just so <em>real</em>. Everything I was feeling about the book, but I hadn't been able to organize it into words… Wait, does that mean I'm Pudge in the book, the other main character?"</p>
<p>Jacob frowned. "Pudge has the biggest crush in the entire world on Alaska. What's the quote… 'if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.' Only the most romantic quote in a book, ever. And if Quil is Alaska and you're Pudge –"</p>
<p>"You're cute when you're jealous over fictional characters." I said, cutting him off. I felt myself blush as I pressed my lips together shyly and looked away from him.</p>
<p>"Oh, so you think I'm cute? I'm not goofy-looking like you said the other day when we met?"</p>
<p>I laughed. "No, you're still goofy-looking."</p>
<p>"Gee, thanks." He said with a chuckle.</p>
<p>We were quiet after that for a few seconds. "You know," Jacob said seriously. "After being in this hospital so much and reading that book, I've developed a theory about the people who struggle with mental illnesses and have existential crises like Alaska and Pudge."</p>
<p>"Oh yeah? What?"</p>
<p>"I think we're just smarter than all the others. We've simply decided to protest against this shit show called 'life.'"</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>Soon after my conversation with Jacob, we were told to go back to our rooms. Jacob and I said goodnight to each other then walked our separate ways. He said he would see me in the lobby in the morning before we left.</p>
<p>I was so, so close to finishing the book, so I stayed awake in my room. I only had a few more pages. I got under the covers of my bed, leaned my back against the wall, and pulled my knees into my body to prop the book up. Since we had no doors, the hallway light was still blaring into the room.</p>
<p>I felt tears fill my eyes as I read a quote from the Colonel, the character Jacob said he would be in the book, "after all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out – but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it."</p>
<p>The "labyrinth" was suffering, and the Colonel was saying, at least to me, that suffering was inevitable; it's something that we all have. We just have to sit with it and feel it, then decide how to live with it and maybe transform it into something useful. The Colonel was saying that we needed suffering in order to understand joy. He was saying that he had hope for better days.</p>
<p>Alaska, the Colonel's best friend, didn't choose the labyrinth of suffering. She chose the straight and fast way out, literally, by crashing her car and dying. It was never officially said in the book if she died by suicide or from an actual car accident from driving drunk. I think it was both, but she wouldn't have been drinking so much if she wasn't depressed. She just didn't know how to deal with the suffering anymore. I couldn't begrudge her for taking the quick and fast way out of the suffering tunnel. I'd been there. Alaska couldn't find any hope, she was stuck in the darkness. I thought of Quil's words yesterday: "We all find the inevitable doom at some point. Some of us just take longer to get there than others."</p>
<p>And the other main character, Pudge… Well, I think he found his "Great Perhaps." He was looking for something meaningful, something real. Alaska represents all of us who can't just shove our hurt and pain down into the deepest parts of our soul. She was authenticity true. She just couldn't deal with the suffering any longer. Purge saw the real Alaska, and she would forever leave a lasting imprint on his life – in more good ways than bad. She taught him how to take risks, live wholeheartedly, and never live to impress anyone but yourself.</p>
<p>Maybe my current "Great Perhaps" was meeting Jacob and Quil. Jacob had his optimism, Quil had his cynical humor, and I had… them.</p>
<p>Maybe life is full of different moments that are "Great Perhaps," and we just have to learn to deal with them, feel them, and learn to love them… even if they aren't what we were expecting.</p>
<p>I guess Jacob and I were both right during that first group therapy session.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>A/N: Just FYI – Charlie and Billy are not friends and don't know each other in this story!</strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>"<strong>Lost and Found" by A Rocket to the Moon<br/>
</strong><em>Why's it always darkest right before the dawn?</em><em><br/>
</em><em>If liars can be honest, and right can be wrong</em><em><br/>
</em><em>When you find a doorway, are you in or are you out?</em><em><br/>
</em><em>You have to stand up before you fall down</em><em><br/>
</em><em>You need to get lost before you get found</em></p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p>I woke up the next morning in somewhat of a daze. I hadn't remembered falling asleep last night. I stretched my arms and legs, feeling incredibly stiff from my awkward sleeping position.</p><p>
  <em>I was going home today.</em>
</p><p>I sat up quickly, suddenly feeling some eagerness mixed with anxiety. I was excited to sleep in my own bed again, but I was also afraid to face the real world. I was nervous to see my dad and scared to see my peers at school on Monday. I wondered how I was supposed to readjust to life.</p><p>I took a shower and put on the clean clothes my dad had brought for me. I was excited to be rid of the weird scrubs that we had to wear here. I was excited to shave my legs when I got home, seeing as razors were a huge no-no item here. A tech gave me my toothbrush and I brushed my teeth, finger combed my hair, then went back to my room to put on my socks and shoes.</p><p>I walked back to the "library" to put <em>Looking for Alaska</em> back on the shelf. I hoped someone else would be able to take away some of the same magic from it that I had.</p><p>Maddie met me in the hallway just as I was about to walk to her office. "Good morning, Bella." She smiled.</p><p>I smiled back. "Morning."</p><p>She was holding a file with my name on it. "This is for your dad," she said, noticing my gaze. "It just has your discharge paperwork – information about your stay here like what medications you're taking and when your next therapy appointment is."</p><p>"Okay," I responded. "I am still going to see you, just once a week now, right?"</p><p>Maddie smiled. "Yes. I'll see you Mondays at 4:00, so it's after school for you. Are you ready to go wait in the lobby for your dad?"</p><p>I nodded as we turned and walked toward the front of the building. Maddie had to scan her badge for the double doors to unlock and let us through. In the waiting room, a few other teenagers were sitting in chairs, one of them being Jacob.</p><p>He smiled when he saw me and waved me over. I looked to Maddie who nodded, letting me know it was okay to sit down and join him. It was strange seeing Jacob in "street" clothes. He was wearing jeans and a grey T-shirt. I could see his muscular arms peeking out from the sleeves. I felt myself blush, thinking about how it would feel for his arms to envelope me into a warm hug.</p><p>"How ya feelin'?" Jacob asked as I sat down.</p><p>"I don't know… Nervous, but also excited to leave, if that makes sense?"</p><p>"Totally. Your dad is picking you up?"</p><p>"Yes… That's one reason I'm nervous. I think I've put him through hell with everything that's happened. I'm scared to face him."</p><p>I saw a few different parents walk into the entrance of the hospital. They all talked to the social worker assigned to their child briefly before leaving.</p><p>Jacob put his hand on my knee, causing a jolt of electricity to shoot through my body. "I'm sure it'll be fine… I'm excited to meet him."</p><p>I looked up at him skeptically. "You want to meet him? Are you sure? I don't think I told you and Quil, but he tased Mike. I don't know if he's ready to meet any other boys."</p><p>Jacob laughed. "No shit!? That's awesome. I would have done more than tasing him, though. Anyway, I make amazing first impressions. He'll like me."</p><p>I smiled at him. "It's <em>your</em> ego… I'll be lucky if my dad lets me even see you and Quil."</p><p>His face fell into a frown. "You think? That totally sucks. Maybe if we come to your house or something?"</p><p>"Maybe," I shrugged. "We'll figure it out. You and Quil are my best friends."</p><p>Just as I said that, I saw Charlie's patrol cruiser park outside on the curb. My stomach flip flopped as I watched him get out of the car quickly and make his way toward the entrance. I stood up and walked toward the double doors.</p><p>"Bells," my dad said as soon as he made it inside. He looked haggard, but relieved when he saw me. My dad and I have never been the touchy-feely types, but he pulled me into a tight embrace as soon as he was close enough to me. I wrapped my arms around him, too, feeling comforted by his familiar scent.</p><p>"Kid, I've missed you more than you'll ever know. I… I've been so worried." He said when he finally released me.</p><p>I wiped my eyes, realizing that a few tears had spilled over. "I've missed you too, dad."</p><p>Maddie slowly walked up beside us. "Chief Swan," she held out her hand to him. "I'm Maddie. We've talked on the phone but haven't met in-person yet."</p><p>"Yes," Charlie acknowledged, shaking her hand. "Nice to meet you."</p><p>"You too," Maddie held out my file to him. "This is Bella's discharge paperwork. It details her diagnoses, medications, and when her therapy appointments are going forward. My contact information is also in there in case you have any questions."</p><p>My dad took the file from her. "Thank you."</p><p>"You are free to leave whenever you're ready since you signed all the discharge forms yesterday; there's nothing else you need to do." Maddie said.</p><p>"Thank you, Maddie. I'll see you Monday." I said to her with a small smile. She smiled back then made her way back through the double doors after scanning her badge.</p><p>"Ready, kid?" Charlie asked me.</p><p>"Oh, um, yes." I glanced back at Jake who jumped up to his feet and strode over to us.</p><p>"Dad, this is my friend, Jacob." Jacob held his hand out to Charlie. "Jacob, this is my dad, Charlie."</p><p>My dad reacted exactly as I anticipated. His eyes narrowed slightly as he glared at Jacob for a few seconds. He finally reached out and shook his hand.</p><p>Jacob smiled at him, but my dad's face stayed stoic. "Chief Swan, it's so nice to meet you."</p><p>"<em>Friends</em>, huh?" My dad asked, looking at me then back at Jacob.</p><p>"Yes, dad," I said automatically. "I met Jacob and our other friend, Quil, here in the hospital. Quil went home a couple days ago."</p><p>Jacob put his hands into his pocket, looking completely relaxed. "Quil and I live on the Quileute reservation, sir. Bella made sure to keep us in line in here."</p><p>My dad nodded. "Well, as long as you're all just <em>friends</em>." He emphasized again. I sighed then glanced at Jake.</p><p>"Yes, sir," he responded with a nod.</p><p>"Alright then," Charlie said. "Ready?" He asked me.</p><p>"Yes." I looked at Jake and remembered my thought earlier about hugging him. I didn't want to in front of Charlie, but I also wanted to tell him good-bye.</p><p>Jacob seemed to understand my internal struggle as he reached out and touched my arm. "I'll see you soon?"</p><p>I placed my hand on top of his. "Yes. You still have my number?"</p><p>He nodded. "I'll talk to you later today."</p><p>"Okay." We both smiled at each other before I turned and walked with Charlie out of the hospital and back into the real world.<br/>
. . . . . .</p><p>"Bells, I think we need to talk about some things." Charlie told me later that evening when I was almost finished making dinner. It felt so good to cook again. I missed the rhythmic motions of sautéing and stirring.</p><p>After we got home from the hospital earlier, I took another shower, looked over the mountain of work I'd missed from school, and called my mom.</p><p>I messaged Quil and chatted back and forth with him while I worked on my homework all afternoon until it was time to make dinner. I cringed thinking about what my dad probably ate while I was gone.</p><p>"Okay, dad," I said as I served our food and set the plates down on the table. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge, cracked it open, and sat down. I filled up a cup with water and sat down, too.</p><p>We took a few bites of food in silence before Charlie cleared his throat. "Honey, are you <em>really</em> feeling better?"</p><p>"Yes," I said immediately. I think it was a combo of a lot of things, probably, that had me feeling fine, or level, I guess – the medication, therapy, and my friendships with Jacob and Quil. "I'm feeling much better. I promise. I'm… I'm sorry for… everything. I'm sure it's been hell for you and mom."</p><p>"You don't need to worry about your mother and me." He chewed another bite of chicken. "And <em>you</em> don't need to be sorry. What… that kid did to you was unforgivable, inexcusable, and completely immoral. He's the one that needs to be sorry."</p><p>I nodded, but still felt the overwhelming guilt. "Yeah. Thanks, dad."</p><p>"There's a temporary restraining order in place against Mike now that's good for a couple more weeks. We have a court hearing next week to get a more permanent one that you'll have to go to, Bells."</p><p>I took a deep breath, feeling some anxiety stir up in my belly. "Will <em>he</em> be there?"</p><p>"Yes, he will likely be there, but I already talked to your advocate. She's going to make the case that it would cause too much emotional turmoil for you testify."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>So, in order for someone to feel safe after getting assaulted, they usually had to testify in court, in front of their attacker, to get a restraining order? What a screwed-up system we had in place for victims.</p><p>"But there's also the criminal case, honey… To convict him of the battery and false imprisonment, you will likely have to testify in that case unless a plea deal is made before the hearing. That will be in front of Mike and probably his parents. It won't be for a month or two, but I wanted you to know now."</p><p>I dropped my fork and barely heard it clang to the floor. I felt panic start to take over my body. I could get a restraining order without testifying, but I would have to face Mike in court for him to actually be convicted of assaulting me? I would have lawyers asking me questions, making me experience all the pain again?</p><p>
  <em>I'm safe. Deep breath. I'm safe. Deep breath.</em>
</p><p>I felt my dad's hand on top of mine as I focused to take deep breaths. "Bells, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have waited a couple days to tell you… I just wanted to tell you sooner rather than later so we could prepare you."</p><p>I looked up at him once I got more control of my breathing. "It's okay… I guess I just didn't realize I would have to re-live everything in order to sentence him."</p><p>"I know it isn't fair," he said. "Maybe you can talk with Maddie about how to prepare to see him in court during one of your therapy sessions?"</p><p>"Yes," I agreed. "That's a good idea."</p><p>We were quiet as we finished eating. Well, my dad ate while I pushed my food around on my plate, no longer feeling hungry. Once Charlie was finished, I cleaned up the dishes and put the leftovers away.</p><p>I was about to head upstairs and take part of an Ativan when Charlie stopped me. "Oh, Bells, new house rules. First, your bedroom door stays open unless you're changing or something. Second, no medication in the bathroom. I'll give you your antidepressant every morning."</p><p>I wanted to roll my eyes and protest, but I guess I also understood where he was coming from. I just sighed instead. "Okay, dad… Well, can I have a small part of an Ativan right now? The court thing has really rattled me."</p><p>He got up and walked upstairs then came back with a small portion of the pill. I swallowed it with some water then went upstairs to my room, leaving my door wide open. I sat down at my desk and checked my phone. I had a missed call from Jacob. I added his number to my phone earlier today, hoping he would contact me once he got home.</p><p>I clicked on his name and held my phone up to my ear. He answered after two rings.</p><p>"Bella!" He shrieked into the phone enthusiastically.</p><p>I immediately smiled. "Hey, Jake."</p><p>"You make it home okay?"</p><p>"Yes," I answered. "You?"</p><p>"Yep, all the same here," he said. "Quil and I are hoping we can all hang out tomorrow? Maybe go to the beach, go see a movie in Port Angeles?"</p><p>"I don't know if my dad is going to let me so soon, but I'll ask him and let you know. He just told me about some 'new house rules.' I'm not allowed to close my bedroom door anymore, apparently."</p><p>"Ugh, that sounds rough. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Yeah, so I'm not sure about tomorrow…"</p><p>"Eh, I think he liked me, so I have some faith that he'll let you go." Jake said, sounding smug.</p><p>I laughed. "That was him not hating you, but he still wasn't approving."</p><p>"It's a good start." He said with a chuckle.</p><p>We chatted awhile longer about what movie he and Quil wanted to see, school, and how it felt being out of the hospital. Talking with Jake helped me feel calm again, or it was the Ativan. Once we hung up, I dove into my mountain of homework. If I could finish it all, or most of it, before asking Charlie to see Jake and Quil tomorrow, he would be more likely to agree.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Best Friend" by Jason Mraz<br/></strong><em>My life is better</em><em><br/></em><em>Because you're a part of it</em><em><br/></em><em>I know without you by my side</em><em><br/></em><em>That I would be different</em><em><br/></em><em>Yes, I feel my life is better</em><em><br/></em><em>And so is the world we're livin' in</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>"I can't believe your dad let you out. Jake said he seemed like he could be pretty strict. Kudos to him for tasing Mike, though. That's pretty badass." Quil commented as we walked along First Beach in La Push.</p>
<p>"He's not really strict… He can just be protective, I guess."</p>
<p>I thought back to my conversation with my dad this morning when I'd asked him if I could hang out with Jacob and Quil this afternoon. He was hesitant but reluctantly said yes. He said my discharge paperwork from the hospital mentioned how I should see friends and get back into the swing of a "normal" life.</p>
<p>Charlie didn't let me out of the house, though, without first clipping pepper spray on my keys and showing me how to use it properly for over 20 minutes. He also gave me a taser to keep in my purse and said he signed me up for some women's self-defense classes that one of his colleagues teaches. The first class was on Monday evening after my therapy appointment.</p>
<p>"Either way, I'm glad he let you out!" Jacob chimed in as he ran back up to me and Quil. He had stopped to say hi to someone on the beach.</p>
<p>"Me too." I smiled.</p>
<p>It was overcast and drizzly, so it was pretty chilly outside as we walked on the beach. It was springtime, but nothing about the weather would have indicated that.</p>
<p>"So, I have some news. I haven't even told Jake yet either." Quil said as he led us toward a small area of the beach that had some logs for us to sit on. Once I sat down, I pulled my hood up tighter and dug my hands into my pockets, trying to keep them warm.</p>
<p>"What's up?" Jacob asked as he sat down next to me.</p>
<p>"My mom - she's getting out of rehab next week. My aunt and I are going to pick her up. She's going to stay with me at my aunt's for a while until she gets her own place and stuff."</p>
<p>"Oh, Quil, that's great news! I know you've said that you miss her. I'm sure it'll feel good to have her home." I said to him.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm hoping she's really changed this time and can keep her shit together." Quil commented.</p>
<p>"I'm excited to see her," Jake said. "Remember that time your mom ripped us a new one because she caught us smoking a cigarette?"</p>
<p>Quil laughed. "Shit, yeah. Such a fucking hypocrite."</p>
<p>"You guys smoked cigarettes?" I asked in a disgusted tone. If I ever saw either of them smoking around me, I was going to break them and throw them down my garbage disposal.</p>
<p>"Just the one time," Jacob said quickly. "Quil's mom scared that out of us really quick."</p>
<p>"We started hanging out with these older kids at school, Jared, Embry, and Sam. They're total shit heads. They were the ones who talked us into smoking." Quil said.</p>
<p>"Oh," I nodded my head in understanding.</p>
<p>"Speak of the fucking devil and the devil shall appear." Quil rolled his eyes as he looked off into the distance. Three tall, older teenagers were walking toward us. "I fucking hate these guys," Quil leaned over and muttered to me.</p>
<p>As they got closer, they called Jacob's name. Jacob stood up and shook their hands, greeting them like he did everyone. I wondered why Quil hated them so much. Jacob was friends with almost everyone it seemed, so that part didn't seem out of the ordinary.</p>
<p>"We're gonna be out here late tonight if you wanna stop by." One of the guys said to Jake.</p>
<p>"Yeah, you haven't been around much. Were you back in the loony bin?" Another asked. Ugh, whoever that was I didn't like already. I glanced at Quil, and he rolled his eyes again. These guys gave me a bad feeling. The hair on my arms was standing straight up, and not just because I was freezing.</p>
<p>"You could invite your new friend, too, if you want." One of them said, nodding toward me.</p>
<p>"No," Jacob said immediately as he quickly looked back at me for a moment. "I already have plans with them," he gestured toward me and Quil. "But thanks. I'll see you guys soon."</p>
<p>"Just hit us up when you're free." One of them said.</p>
<p>"Quil," one of the guys nodded to him.</p>
<p>Quil made a face at him. "You know, you guys could find someone else to hang out with besides Jake."</p>
<p>"What are you, his babysitter? And you," whoever this guy was looked at me. "What are you, his new little girlfriend? What, is he too whipped to hang out with us now?"</p>
<p>I narrowed my eyes at him. "Excuse you," I said loudly.</p>
<p>Quil put his hand on my shoulder. "Don't bother, Bella," he said. "They're not worth it."</p>
<p>"Leave them out of this, guys, c'mon," Jacob said to them. "I'll talk to you guys soon." Jacob shook their hands again then they turned and started walking away.</p>
<p>Jacob came to sit down again. He smiled sheepishly at me. "Sorry."</p>
<p>"Who are those guys, Jake?" I asked. "You hang out with them? They seem like bad news."</p>
<p>"That's because they are. When he's with them –"</p>
<p>"Quil!" Jacob growled in an aggravated tone. I jumped slightly. He was annoyed and angry, which was a different side of him that I'd never seen.</p>
<p>Quil made an irritated expression back and shook his head. "Whatever, man. You need to stay the fuck away from them."</p>
<p>"I can handle myself." Jacob snapped.</p>
<p>"Yeah, you've proven that time and time again, haven't you?" Quil sniped accusatorially.</p>
<p>"Will someone please fill me in? What's going on?" I interrupted them. I looked at Jacob, waiting for him to explain.</p>
<p>He sighed. "I just hang out with those guys sometimes. You know how I'm friends with everyone," he smiled, but it didn't touch his eyes the way it normally did. "Quil just doesn't get along with them because they can be jerks."</p>
<p>Quil snorted next to me. I looked to him, but he stayed quiet and avoided eye contact with me.</p>
<p>"Why do you hang out with them if they're jerks?" I asked.</p>
<p>He shrugged. "Keeps me busy and out of the house, I guess."</p>
<p>"Well, maybe you shouldn't if they're as terrible as you and Quil say they are. I didn't get a great vibe from them either."</p>
<p>"I'm working on it." Jacob responded.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>We went to the movies in Port Angles later that evening. I messaged my dad when we got there (one of his conditions). We bought our tickets for some comedy that Quil and Jake wanted to see. I bought us popcorn and sodas before we walked into the theater and settled into our seats. I was thankful that Quil and Jacob already got over their little spat earlier. They were sitting next to each other, joking about one of the previews.</p>
<p>I knew there was more to the story about those three guys, Jared, Embry, and Sam, but Jacob didn't give any other explanation, and he shut Quil down from explaining. I knew it was hard for Jake to open up, so I'd decided to leave it alone for now.</p>
<p>The previews were over, and the opening credits started for the movie. Jacob handed the popcorn bucket to Quil and looked at me with one of his huge grins, the kind where I couldn't help but smile back. He reached across the armrest and interlocked his fingers with mine in one swift movement, without any hesitation.</p>
<p>I blushed and shook my head slightly in disbelief at his confidence. This was the first time he held my hand without there being something wrong. The other two times, it had been a way to comfort me. Now, it was because he <em>wanted</em> to, because that's what you were <em>supposed</em> to do with someone you liked when you were at the movies. It felt different this time – like he was choosing me instead of just consoling me. I definitely wasn't complaining as butterflies danced in my stomach.</p>
<p>As we focused on the movie, I kept getting momentarily distracted because Jacob would gently brush his thumb back and forth against my mine. Every time he did it, a jolt of electricity would strike through my body. I'd never felt such a connection just from holding someone's hand.</p>
<p>I don't think I paid much attention to the movie at all, actually. Partly because of the electricity thing, but I was also focused on watching Jacob watch the movie. I studied his silhouette in the dimly lit theater, watched him as he laughed, watched how he would nudge Quil during a funny scene…</p>
<p>When the movie was over, I reluctantly let go of his hand to gather up our trash. We walked out of the theater and toward the exit.</p>
<p>"Bella?" I heard someone say behind me.</p>
<p>I turned around to see my friend from school, Angela, and her boyfriend, Ben. Angela walked over to me quickly and pulled me into a hug. "Bella, how are you? Are you okay?" She asked when she released me. I wasn't really sure what the story was around school yet.</p>
<p>"Hey, Angela. I'm much better. Thanks for asking," I turned to her boyfriend. "Good to see you, Ben." He smiled.</p>
<p>"Bella, I'm sorry about… everything with Mike. I never would have thought." Her eyes looked watery.</p>
<p>"Angela, you couldn't have known. It's okay."</p>
<p>"It's absolutely <em>not</em> okay," she corrected me. "It's a good thing he transferred to the high school here in Port Angeles."</p>
<p>"He did?" That was news to me. I wasn't sure how the restraining order thing would work with us going to school together, so I was glad I didn't have to worry about that anymore.</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"That's a relief." I forgot for a second that Jacob and Quil were standing beside me. I introduced them all.</p>
<p>"Well, I'll see you at school, Bella. I'm so glad you're feeling better. You'll be back Monday?"</p>
<p>"Yes, I'll see you then."</p>
<p>"Okay, bye." She smiled as she and Ben made their way out of the theater. Quil, Jacob, and I followed behind them as we made our way to Jacob's car. I messaged my dad to let him know we were on our way back to La Push, where my truck was, to drive home.</p>
<p>Jacob drove to Quil's aunt's house to drop him off first. I got out of the car to change into the front passenger's seat. I said bye to Quil before he did a weird handshake thing with Jacob through the driver's window then went inside.</p>
<p>Jacob and I drove toward his house. Jacob turned up the song playing on the radio. It was "Yellow" by Coldplay. I hadn't heard this song in forever. He started singing along to it.</p>
<p>"Look at the staaaars, look how they shine for youuuu!" He sang as he pointed at me. "And everything youuu dooo!"</p>
<p>I laughed at his exaggerations and terrible singing voice. I finally sang along with him reluctantly when he kept nudging me to join in. He was so good at getting me to be silly and carefree.</p>
<p>When the song was over, we were parked outside his house. We both got out of his car and walked toward my truck.</p>
<p>"Today was fun, Jake. Thanks for inviting me… You know, Charlie might be willing to let us all hang out again tomorrow if homework is involved."</p>
<p>"I've got tons of that, and so does Quil. It's a date."</p>
<p>I smiled. "Okay, well, goodnight." I said as I turned toward my truck to unlock it after fishing my keys out of my purse.</p>
<p>"Bella, wait. I want to ask you something."</p>
<p>I turned around. "What is it, Jake?"</p>
<p>He looked a little nervous. "Well, you always hug Quil goodbye. Hell, you even kissed his cheek the other day… I guess, I was just wondering… why you don't do that with me? I mean, you seem to like it when I hold your hand, and I don't want to overstep any boundaries with everything that you've gone through… I guess I just want to know where I stand with you."</p>
<p>"Oh, um," I paused, feeling my face get hot as I blushed. I was glad it was nighttime so he couldn't tell. "Well, Quil kind of feels like my brother… If I were to do those things with you… Well, I feel like it would mean something more or different."</p>
<p>He grinned. "Okay, so we're on the same page then?"</p>
<p>"I think so?" I said back as I left my car keys in the truck door and walked the few steps over to him.</p>
<p>He opened his arms, still smiling, as I closed the gap between us. Because he was so tall, my cheek rested against his chest and his chin rested on the top of my head. The same electrical current I felt earlier intensified as he held me close to him. I closed my eyes, breathed in his comforting scent, and tried to memorize the way his body molded to mine perfectly. We stayed like this for a few minutes, just embracing each other in silence.</p>
<p>I finally pulled away, not wanting to risk Charlie worrying and never letting me out of the house again. Jake slowly leaned down with a smile and kissed my cheek, making my heart skip a beat.</p>
<p>He walked me back over to my truck and opened the door for me. "I'll hopefully see you tomorrow to do homework?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Yes. Goodnight, Jake." I said as I slid into the truck and fired up the engine.</p>
<p>"Night, Bells. Let me know when you get home?"</p>
<p>"Okay, I will."</p>
<p>He stood outside his house and waved until I was out of sight.</p>
<p>As I drove home, fantasies of Jacob Black danced through my head.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>A/N: I think this is my favorite chapter out of the entire story! I love empowering women! Enjoy! :)</strong>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>"<strong>GIRL" by Maren Morris<br/></strong><em>If vanity's my vitamin<br/></em><em>Well, I don't feel the difference<br/></em><em>I don't like myself right now<br/></em><em>Gotta find a way out</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Girl, won't you stop your cryin'?<br/>I know that you're tryin'<br/>Everything's gonna be okay<br/></em>
  <em>Baby girl, don't you hang your head low<br/>Don't you lose your halo<br/>Everyone's gonna be okay</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>.~.</em>
</p>
<p>"<strong>The Man" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>They wouldn't shake their heads</em><em><br/></em><em>And question how much of this I deserve</em><em><br/></em><em>What I was wearing, if I was rude</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>It was Monday morning now, which meant going back to school after everything with Mike and everyone knowing that it caused me to go into a mental health hospital. I was not looking forward to the attention or questions.</p>
<p>I got ready quickly and put all my makeup work in my backpack to turn in. My dad let Quil and Jacob come over yesterday, and we all worked on homework at my kitchen table for the majority of the day. Thankfully, I almost had all of mine completed.</p>
<p>I went downstairs and ate some cereal. My dad was drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. He handed me my antidepressant and I swallowed it with some water.</p>
<p>"Nervous?" My dad asked. I hadn't realized I was tapping my nails on the table until he asked.</p>
<p>"A little… just worried about being the center of attention."</p>
<p>"You just gotta get through today, then I'm sure things will calm down."</p>
<p>I sighed. "Yeah, you're right."</p>
<p>My phone vibrated. It was a text message from Jacob:</p>
<p>
  <em>Good morning, Bells. Remember, we are just smarter than the other people who haven't been in mental health hospitals. ;) Have a good day!</em>
</p>
<p>I smiled as I texted back:</p>
<p>
  <em>Thanks, Jake. I'll call you later!</em>
</p>
<p>I shoved my phone into the front pocket of my backpack, told my dad bye, hopped into my truck, and drove the five minutes to school. As soon as I parked, Jessica was at my door. She opened it and grabbed my hands to pull me out of the seat to hug me.</p>
<p>"Bella! Oh my gosh! I've been so, so worried about you. Did you get my messages? I texted you and called, too. I'm so sorry all this happened. Are you feeling better?"</p>
<p>This was the exact thing I'd wanted to avoid – people excessively asking questions, causing a scene.</p>
<p>"Hey, Jess. I got your messages. Sorry, I haven't had a chance to reply to everyone. I'm feeling much better."</p>
<p>"Well, tell me everything! I mean," she lowered her voice. "We all know what happened with Mike, but what happened after that? I mean, I can only imagine the pain all of it caused you."</p>
<p>I pulled my backpack out of my truck and put my arms through the straps after putting my truck keys inside one of the pockets.</p>
<p>"Um, well…"</p>
<p>"Unless it's too painful to talk about." Jessica cut me off.</p>
<p>"No, it's okay… After the stuff with Mike, my therapist said I dissociated, which means I was kind of checked-out. I guess I just felt really low and hopeless."</p>
<p>"Gosh, Bella. Of course you were feeling that way. Mike's a bastard, and he'll get what's coming for him."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Jess."</p>
<p>We walked toward the school entrance now. I had several more people bombard me with hugs, questions, and sympathetic looks throughout the morning. I finally made it to lunch and sat at my normal table with Angela, Jessica, Ben, Tyler, and Eric. The empty seat where Mike would have been made my stomach knot with disgust.</p>
<p>"I still can't believe Mike would do something like that." Eric said.</p>
<p>"Well, he did and now he's gone before he can do it to someone else. Good riddance to him." Jess commented.</p>
<p>"Did you do something to… I don't know, provoke him or something? I mean, what were you wearing?" Tyler asked.</p>
<p>I heard Jessica and Angela gasp next to me.</p>
<p>The disgust in my stomach intensified. I briefly made eye contact with Tyler then let my gaze fall onto the table. Was it my fault? I couldn't remember what I was wearing, but I was sure it wasn't anything different than what I was wearing today – jeans and a T-shirt.</p>
<p>"How dare you accuse Bella of being at fault for this!" Angela spoke up. "Women should be able to wear whatever they want. We just need to teach disgusting men like Mike not to assault women!"</p>
<p>"Exactly! It's never the victim's fault for being sexually assaulted. I bet that comment made Bella feel terrible." Jess said.</p>
<p>I felt a little nauseous all of a sudden. I pushed myself up from the table, slung my backpack strap over my shoulder, and made my out of the cafeteria and out into the cold, rainy courtyard outside. The rain felt good against my face.</p>
<p>I wasn't sure where I was going, but I couldn't stay here. I walked toward the parking lot and got into my truck. I fired up the engine and drove.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>"I skipped the second half of school today," I sheepishly told Maddie during my therapy appointment later that afternoon.</p>
<p>I'd ended up just driving all afternoon, not going anywhere in particular, until it was time for my therapy appointment. I messaged my dad to tell him I left school early because I felt sick and that I would be home after my session.</p>
<p>"It was your first day back, right? What happened?" Maddie asked.</p>
<p>I looked down at my hands in my lap. "Well… I was sitting at lunch and this guy made a comment about how I maybe provoked Mike to… assault me. He asked what I was wearing… I guess I got pretty upset and just left school. I drove around until my appointment with you."</p>
<p>"Oh, Bella," Maddie said with a small sigh. I looked up at her. "There's this stigma around sexual assault in our society. We tend to blame the survivor, which is what that boy at lunch was doing."</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"But it's <em>never</em> the survivor's fault. Ever. You know that saying, 'boys will be boys?'" I nodded. "It should be changed to, 'boys will be what boys are taught.'"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. I knew she was right; it was just hard to piece it all together. "So, you're saying even if I was naked when I answered the door to Mike, it wouldn't be my fault that he… hurt me?"</p>
<p>"Yes! That's exactly what I am saying, Bella. A woman can wear, or not wear, whatever she wants, and a man should have enough respect and impulse control to leave her alone unless she gives him permission to touch her… Think about it – how often do we see men without their shirts on? Think about the last T.V. show you watched as an example."</p>
<p>"Frequently," I answered.</p>
<p>"Right. Does that make you want to sexually assault them?"</p>
<p>I wrinkled my nose. "Of course not."</p>
<p>"It's the same thing." Maddie responded.</p>
<p>I nodded and looked back down at my hands, trying to organize that in my mind. Men in our society have been taught that women are these sexual objects they have a claim over… Well, I was fucking done being one of them. I felt anger stir up in my body. How dare Mike sexually assault me. How dare Tyler blame me for it. How dare that Derek guy assault me in the social room last week. Fuck all of them.</p>
<p>"I fucking hate them all." I said sourly.</p>
<p>"Good, you should. Anger can be an empowering emotion, Bella."</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>"Well, anger puts us into activation mode, so to speak. That's why, when we are angry, we often want to punch, kick, or throw things. When we use anger to our advantage, we can create a lot of change."</p>
<p>"How can I create change? Haven't women been fighting for change for over a century?"</p>
<p>"Well…" Maddie paused for a second. She looked contemplative. "I think the change starts first with just you, Bella. Don't let that boy scare you away from your lunch table again. Put him in his place, even if that means you're 'rude.' Find a way to take your power back in this situation and never let a man steal it from you again."</p>
<p>Damn, Maddie was always full of so much wisdom. I fished my notebook out of my backpack and flipped to the page where I wrote things down from our sessions.</p>
<p>This time, I wrote: <em>Never let a man, or anyone else, steal my power again; do anything, even be rude, to keep it.</em></p>
<p>I was feeling more empowered than ever before. I was also looking forward to those self-defense classes Charlie signed me up for. I thought about how good it would feel to know how to protect myself, and how good it would feel to wail on a punching bag that I pretended was Mike. I was supposed to go to the first class tonight.</p>
<p>"Thanks, Maddie." I said after writing in my notebook. "Can I ask you something else I've been wondering about?"</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p>I felt myself blush as I thought about my question. "Um, well, I kind of like this new boy. He's… kind. He would never act like the other guys we were just talking about… But I'm just wondering if what happened with Mike could make me, I don't know, damaged? Will I be able to fully trust someone new and have a good relationship after everything?"</p>
<p>Maddie smiled. "It's Jacob, isn't it?" I blushed even more and nodded.</p>
<p>"First of all, you are <em>not</em> damaged. Remember, Mike is damaged. Not you, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes." As I agreed, I also wrote down in my notebook: <em>I am not damaged. Mike is, and so are all the other guys that are like him.</em></p>
<p>"Okay, good. As far as engaging in a new relationship after sexual assault, there are many things to consider. First, taking things slowly, or at a pace that feels good for you. Second, making sure you always feel safe. Third, it can be helpful, whenever you feel ready, to explain to your new partner about the sexual assault that happened if you haven't already. That allows them to understand how to best support you, so they don't trigger any flashbacks or memories…" Maddie paused as I scribbled down the words she was saying.</p>
<p>She continued, "When people engage in healthy, safe relationships after sexual assault happens, they can often have what's called a 'corrective emotional experience,' which means it can be healing. It provides a juxtaposition, which is how your brain re-wires pathways. In layman's terms, that just means it might help you heal from some of the trauma associated with the assault."</p>
<p>"So, Jacob could be healing for me, then?" I asked.</p>
<p>"As long as he makes you feel safe, your relationship is healthy, <em>and</em> he respects the boundaries you need, then yes, he <em>could</em> be. Just remember that your number one goal right now is to find your power. And you don't need a man for that."</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>After making dinner for Charlie and explaining the real reason why I left school early, he drove me to the police station to meet his colleague, Stevie, for the women self-defense class. He said he had some business to take care of and would be in his office while I participated in the class. I think he was just worried that I wouldn't go if I drove myself. That might've been true earlier today, but I really was feeling more empowered after my session with Maddie.</p>
<p>My dad walked me to the garage behind the police station and showed me where the class was being held. When I walked in, Stevie looked familiar, but I wasn't sure why. She came up and shook my hand. She seemed nice. She also looked incredibly strong. She had lean muscles and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She had several tattoos on her arms and had beautiful olive-colored skin. She also gave off a don't-fuck-with-me vibe.</p>
<p>There were four other women in the garage. They all looked like they'd been here before. They were stretching, reaching down to touch their toes and reaching their arms to one side then the other. I stood next to them awkwardly while Stevie appeared to be setting things up. I looked around the room – there were several punching bags and a lot of other gym equipment. I guessed this was where some of the police officers worked out.</p>
<p>"Hi, ladies," Stevie said. "We have someone new with us today," she nodded toward me. "This is Bella." The other four ladies looked over at me and smiled. I smiled back.</p>
<p>"We are going to go over a few basics again tonight, then we will break into pairs and practice. After that, we will do some strength training with the punching bags."</p>
<p>I watched Stevie closely as she showed us three different self-defense moves. She said that we should always focus on "vulnerable areas" when trying to escape an attacker – eyes, nose, throat, and groin. Then, she showed us three different moves: the hammer strike, groin kick, and heel palm strike.</p>
<p>For the hammer strike, she showed us to clench our fist, bend our elbow, and hold our arm up beside our head. Then she told us we would punch one of the vulnerable areas with the side of our fist. To "spice it up," as she called it, we could hold our car keys and use them as a weapon to jab into the attacker.</p>
<p>The groin kick was self-explanatory.</p>
<p>For the heel palm strike, Stevie showed us how we should get in front of our attacker, flex the wrist on our dominant hand back and jab upward into the attacker's nostrils, chin, or throat.</p>
<p>We broke into pairs and practiced the movements gently, without actually hurting our partners, of course. Since there was an odd number, Stevie was my partner and she showed me no mercy.</p>
<p>I tried over and over again to practice the movements she showed us, but I kept tripping, missing my target, or I was too slow, and she would grab me, trapping my arms and hands. I was getting frustrated as I really tried to implement what she showed us. I was just too dang uncoordinated and clumsy.</p>
<p>"Bella," Stevie finally said, putting her hands up to signal that we were pausing. "Let's take a break. This can be hard to get the hang of… I think we need to help you find your fire, or some passion first."</p>
<p>"Okay," I said, somewhat defeated.</p>
<p>I walked over to a water cooler, grabbed a paper cup and filled it with water. I sipped it slowly as I watched the other women practice. They were so graceful and smooth with their movements. I shook my head; I didn't know how I was going to change my life-threatening clumsiness. I also wasn't sure what she meant by finding my "fire."</p>
<p>After a few more minutes of everyone practicing, Stevie instructed each of us to go to a punching bag. I threw away my paper cup and walked to the punching bag closest to me, in the corner of the room, far away from everyone else. I pulled the gloves on and started to awkwardly hit the bag.</p>
<p>Then, something weird happened. I started to have this strange, almost out-of-body experience… Sort of like a flashback, but I had more control. It was the same memories that popped up when I was in the hospital.</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashing red and blue lights, bottles of pills, my dad yelling in panic, feeling like I was floating…</em>
</p>
<p>I hit the punching bag with more intensity – using all of my strength.</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike holding my wrists too tight, his hand gripping my hip, him backing me against a wall…</em>
</p>
<p>I wailed on the bag, fighting back. I wasn't going to lose control. I was going to win this time.</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike forcing his lips against mine as he pinned me again the wall, me fighting him the best I could, trying to kick him to get him off of me, him gripping me tighter, me trying to scream…</em>
</p>
<p>I did scream this time, though, I wasn't stifled or powerless now. I practiced the hammer strike, imagining that I had been able to strike Mike in his throat, his nose, and his eyes. I started kicking the punching bag too, imagining kicking him in his groin as he collapsed to the floor.</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike unbuttoning my pants and shoving them down along with my underwear, me trying to scream and beg him to leave me alone as I struggled against his iron grip, but being unable to find my voice, terror flooding my body as he shoved his own pants down, then me going numb and limp, floating…</em>
</p>
<p>I imagined Mike withering on the ground in pain, not even getting that far this time. I didn't have to beg him to leave me alone. I <em>made</em> him leave me alone. I wasn't going to float this time. I was fully present, fully capable of finding strength.</p>
<p>I was so absorbed in this experience that I jumped when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I whipped around quickly, ready to strike whoever it was, still being in my trance. It was Stevie. My arms relaxed as I came back into the room.</p>
<p>I glanced around for a second, trying to reorient myself. The other four women were staring at me. I realized I was crying. I probably looked like a crazy person the last several minutes. I scrambled to get my gloves off so I could wipe my tears.</p>
<p>"Bella," Stevie said. I looked back at her as she placed her other hand on my opposite shoulder, stopping me from struggling with the gloves. "<em>That</em> was the passion. <em>That</em> was the spark. Well done."</p>
<p>I stared back at her, confused. I looked back at the other women who were now smiling and nodding.</p>
<p>I closed my eyes for a second to organize my thoughts...</p>
<p>Even if I had looked crazy, I didn't <em>fucking</em> care.</p>
<p>This was my fire. This was me taking my power back. No one would ever take it from me again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Lost Boy" by Ruth B.<br/></strong><em>I am a lost boy from Neverland<br/></em><em>Usually hanging out with Peter Pan<br/></em><em>And when we're bored, we play in the woods<br/></em><em>Always on the run from Captain Hook<br/>"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me<br/>Away from all of reality<br/></em><em>Neverland is home to lost boys like me<br/>And lost boys like me are free</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm sorry, guys. I probably won't be able to meet until around 7:30ish. Charlie's leaving for a camping fishing trip today, and I have some homework and chores I need to get done… It took a lot of groveling to get my dad to let me hang out with you guys tonight while he's away.</em>
</p>
<p>That was the text message I sent to Quil and Jake in a group chat.</p>
<p>It was early afternoon on Saturday now, which meant I survived my first full week back at school, but I had to make sure I didn't fall behind in any of my classes again after missing those two weeks from being in the hospital.</p>
<p>
  <em>Bummer! Quil and I will wait for you on the beach if you wanna meet us when you're free later? Or we could come over and do homework with you?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not sure it's a good idea for us to do homework together. The last time, we just studied the circumference of a pizza while laughing at Quil's jokes.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Hey, my jokes were worth us turning in our homework late.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Haha. I do think it helped that you've both been at my house a lot this past week for my dad to get to know you; otherwise, I don't think he would let me see you at all today.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That's good! We can't wait to see you tonight! :)</em>
</p>
<p>I smiled at Jake's last text message. I hadn't seen him since Thursday evening when we all did "homework" at my house. I missed him. I daydreamed for a second about how it felt last weekend to hold his hand and have his warm, strong arms around me as I snuggled into is chest. His lips were only inches away from mine when he kissed my cheek…</p>
<p>"Bells," Charlie said behind me, causing me to jump. I turned around in my desk chair to see him standing in my doorway. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."</p>
<p>"It's okay, dad. What's up?" I asked, trying to cover up the blush that appeared on my cheeks.</p>
<p>"I've got all my stuff packed up, so I'm about to head out. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. Remember, we're just going to the lake nearby, so I'll have cellphone service. You check-in with me a lot, understand?"</p>
<p>"Yes, I will." I saw him frown. "Dad, I promise I'll be fine. I'm sorry that I've made you worry so much that you're afraid to leave me for one little night while you go fishing less than an hour away. I promise I'm feeling a lot better."</p>
<p>And that was the absolute truth. Ever since my therapy session and self-defense class on Monday, I've felt… good. I was sleeping without nightmares. I didn't feel like I was going to get triggered by something and have to hide under my blankets after taking an Ativan. I felt empowered and strong. I even told Tyler on Tuesday that he needed to educate himself on Rape Culture and couldn't talk to me again until he did. His face was pretty priceless.</p>
<p>"I know, Bell. I just worry. If I ever lost you…"</p>
<p>"You won't, dad. I promise."</p>
<p>He nodded. "Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow."</p>
<p>"Yes. Bye, dad."</p>
<p>He still looked worried before he walked down the hallway and down the stairs. I heard the front door close and saw him greet his friend outside as they left. I willed myself to focus on finishing my schoolwork. I took breaks and did some chores in between for the rest of the afternoon.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>I stopped at the store and grabbed some s'more stuff like Jacob and Quil instructed I do before meeting them at the beach. They said they were going to make a fire for us to roast marshmallows.</p>
<p>I pulled up to the beach and parked. I saw Quil waiting in the parking lot by himself. I got out, grabbed the grocery bag, and walked over to him.</p>
<p>"Hey!" I waved. "Jake's not here?"</p>
<p>"Nah, I haven't seen him yet. Let's go down to the beach and find a spot. I'll make the fire and we can wait for him."</p>
<p>"Okay, sounds good."</p>
<p>I pulled my phone out from my pocket. I had been running late, so it was weird that Jacob wasn't here yet. It was 7:45, and I didn't have any missed calls or texts from him. I followed Quil as he found a spot. He set up the folding chairs he'd carried down and got started on the fire. I was thankful when it was finally going because it was freezing. I held my hands out toward the flames and tried to warm my icy fingers.</p>
<p>Quil sat down next to me. "So, we picked up my mom yesterday."</p>
<p>"Oh, that's right! How is she?" I asked. I felt bad that I forgot to check-in with Quil about it earlier.</p>
<p>"She seems okay… She's at my aunt's organizing everything she can get her hands on. She says it keeps her busy, so she doesn't think about temptations."</p>
<p>"That's a productive way to distract yourself, I guess."</p>
<p>"Yeah, I guess. I just don't know where any of my shit is now." He laughed then paused for a second. "She seems different this time. A little better. I just hope it stays that way. I have some optimism about it for the first time in God knows how long."</p>
<p>I reached over and touched his arm. I didn't know much about addictions, but I really hoped Quil's mom could stay sober for him since he ended up in the mental health hospital the last time she relapsed. "I hope so too, Quil."</p>
<p>"Heeeeyyyy!" Jacob yelled loudly, sneaking up on us. "Sorry I'm late!"</p>
<p>I dropped my hand from Quil's arm and smiled toward Jacob's silhouette in the near distance. As he got closer to the fire, and I could see him more clearly, I noticed a huge, black ring around his left eye. It looked red and swollen, but he had it open.</p>
<p>"Jake!" I yelled as I spang up from my chair and over to him immediately. I reached up and gently touched his cheek, not wanting to hurt him, but also needing to see if he was okay. "What happened!?" I demanded.</p>
<p>"Eh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it!" Jake said before he hiccuped, giving me a strong whiff of his breath.</p>
<p>"Jake," I looked up at him incredulously. "I'm sorry… Are you drunk?"</p>
<p>"Ah, shit, Jake," I heard Quil say behind me. "I thought that stopped."</p>
<p>Jacob laughed as he tried to sit down in the folding chair near us but stumbled slightly. I grabbed his jacket, trying to steady him, but it was hard since he was so much bigger than me. "Mmm… Maybe just a little drunk." He held his index and thumb together, so they were almost touching, to indicate "a little."</p>
<p>"Why!?" I demanded.</p>
<p>He shrugged and tried to sit down in the chair again. "Why not!?" He said as I helped him sit down the best I could.</p>
<p>Once he was safely in the chair, I turned around to Quil with wide eyes. I was hoping he would know what was going on and could explain. Quil met my gaze and shook his head. He looked pissed, but I didn't understand why.</p>
<p>"Okay, someone needs to fill me in here. <em>Now</em>," I ordered. "What's going on?"</p>
<p>They both stayed quiet, so I turned to Quil. "You said you thought 'that stopped.' What were you talking about?"</p>
<p>Quil sighed and looked at Jacob. I followed his gaze and saw Jacob shake his head. "Jacob's gonna get pissed if I explain it to you. Plus, it's his story to tell, not mine… I'm sure that he probably got drunk with Sam, Jared, and Embry, though."</p>
<p>"Is that true?" I turned to Jacob.</p>
<p>He shrugged again as he reached for the grocery bag and tore open the box of graham crackers. He opened one of the sleeves and took a bite out of a cracker.</p>
<p>I was getting really worried about whatever was happening. Did one of those jerks – Sam, Jared, or Embry – hurt him? Was Jacob in some kind of gang or something? I understood Quil's loyalty to Jacob, so I couldn't be mad at him. I watched Jacob destroy the entire sleeve of crackers while he, still gracefully, danced in his chair to the music that some people were playing not too far from us. He, clearly, wasn't in any type of state to adequately explain to me what was going on.</p>
<p>"Have you eaten any real food today?" I asked him.</p>
<p>"Nah, not since breakfast." He said with his mouth full of graham cracker.</p>
<p>"Let's go get some food then." I said, standing up. "You probably need some water, too, and we don't have any here."</p>
<p>"There's a little diner right up the street that open until 9 or 10. We can walk there. It's super close." Quil said as he got up and took care of the fire. I folded the chairs up.</p>
<p>I held my hand out to Jacob to help pull him up. I folded his chair, too. Quil grabbed the chairs and grocery bag. I grabbed Jacob's hand and started towing him behind Quil. "C'mon, drunky."</p>
<p>Once we got back to the parking lot, Quil tossed everything into his car.</p>
<p>"You know, your hands are always freezing." Jacob mused.</p>
<p>"And yours are always warm."</p>
<p>"Maybe that means I'm supposed to hold your hands all the time – you know, to keep them warm. I wouldn't complain if I had to do that." He reached for my other hand then clumsily spun me around, so we were facing each other. I laughed and felt a blush creep up on my cheeks.</p>
<p>"Alright, lovebirds. Let's go get some pancakes. I swear to God if they are out of syrup again, I'm going to lose my fucking mind… Hey, have you heard about the maple syrup company that went out of business?" Quil asked as he started walking down the sidewalk. I pulled Jacob and follow him.</p>
<p>"No, I haven't." I responded.</p>
<p>"They're a bunch of poor saps." Quil responded. I chuckled.</p>
<p>"I got another one," Quil said. "What did the maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good-looking maple tree?"</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"I'd tap that."</p>
<p>I laughed again. "Quil, stop. You're making it hard for me to pull Jake when I'm laughing so hard."</p>
<p>"Oh, shit. Sorry," Quil stopped and turned around. He wrapped his arm around Jacob's back and made Jacob put his arm around his shoulders. "We've done this before, if you haven't guessed."</p>
<p>"You guys, I'm seriously not that drunk." Jacob commented.</p>
<p>"How much did you drink? Do you even know?" Quil asked pointedly.</p>
<p>"Uh…" he hiccuped again. "Like five beers and then a shot or two of something. I don't know."</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's what I fucking thought." Quil responded dryly. "That means you <em>are</em> as drunk as we think you are."</p>
<p>"Sorry, <em>dad</em>." Jacob retorted sarcastically.</p>
<p>I squeezed Jacob's hand. "Seriously, Jake, we're just worried about you… And when you're sober tomorrow, you <em>are</em> going to tell me what's going on."</p>
<p>Jacob laughed. "You're cute when you're stern… Well, you're always cute. But firm Bella is even cuter." I turned and glared at him. He chuckled again before responding. "Sure, sure. I'll tell you everything tomorrow."</p>
<p>"Don't hold your breath." Quil muttered.</p>
<p>The diner was right across the street now. We crossed then made our way inside. The hostess greeted Quil by name then sat us down in a booth. Quil and I sat across from each other and Jacob sat beside me.</p>
<p>When the waitress came, I ordered four waters. I was going to make Jake drink at least two of them before we left. We ordered our food shortly after. Quil said we all had to get pancakes since it was the best thing on the menu.</p>
<p>"I think we should dance," Jacob said suddenly and loudly as he looked at Quil. "I think they have music here, don't they?"</p>
<p>Quil nodded to the left of the room. "Yeah, on their old school jukebox from like the '60s."</p>
<p>"I can get down with some Elvis… I think that's '60s, right? Whatever, just any music," Jake nudged my shoulder. "Let me out so I can go play a song."</p>
<p>I looked at Quil. "Think it's safe?"</p>
<p>"Eh, I don't think he can get into much trouble here." I looked around the room. There was only one family here on the other end of the restaurant. It was pretty dead. I got up and Jacob grinned as he walked over to the jukebox. He fished some quarters out of his pocket and plopped them in. He selected his songs. After a few seconds, "The Loco-motion" by Little Eva started blaring out of the speakers.</p>
<p>Jacob turned around, walked closer to our table and started dancing while singing the lyrics, "Everybody's doin' a brand-new dance, now. Come on, baby. Do the loco-motion!"</p>
<p>I started laughing while I watched him, unable to control it with how funny he was being. Even though he was drunk, this was something Jacob would do anyway. He was just being a little more exaggerated with it now. Well, and a little clumsier.</p>
<p>Jacob reached for my hands and tried to pull me out of the booth to dance with him, but I protested, shaking my head violently. "No way! I can't dance, Jake!"</p>
<p>"Please?" He gave me puppy dog eyes.</p>
<p>"No!" I yelled. "Make Quil." I nodded toward him.</p>
<p>"Don't fucking drag me into this," Quil scoffed. "I always have to deal with his drunk ass; it's your turn now, Bella."</p>
<p>"Always? How often does this happen, Quil?" I asked. Quil shrugged and gave me a sarcastic I-don't-know expression. I think he was trying to tell me that it happened often enough that it was an issue, but he didn't verbally answer.</p>
<p>"Maybe for the next song. I think you're gonna like it." Jacob winked.</p>
<p>He continued dancing while Quil and I laughed. Once that song was over, Jacob came back to the table and took a huge drink of water, to my satisfaction. The next song that came on was, "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles.</p>
<p>I laughed at the irony of the song. My stomach and face muscles were going to be sore from all the laughing and smiling I was doing tonight.</p>
<p>Jacob reached for my hands and tried to pull me up again. "C'mon, Bells. You <em>have</em> to. Please, please, please!"</p>
<p>I rolled my eyes and reluctantly let him pull me from the booth.</p>
<p>"Your funeral!" Quil called to me.</p>
<p>Jacob grinned my favorite grin as he wrapped his arms around me and made us sway awkwardly together while we goofily sang the lyrics, "Yeah, you got that somethin,' I think you'll understand. When I say that somethin,' I want to hold your hand!"</p>
<p>Even though he was drunk, I couldn't help but feel giddy with his arms around me. While I stared into his dark brown eyes, I saw only happiness as we idiotically danced together. But looking at his black eye made me worry again.</p>
<p>I wondered now, more than ever, what was really hiding underneath his happiness. I wondered how often Jacob got drunk. I wondered if he was using alcohol to mask his pain in some way. I wondered what Jacob Black's secrets were and if he would ever let me in.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>cardigan" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>When you are young, they assume you know nothing</em></p>
<p>
  <em>But I knew you<br/>Dancin' in your Levi's<br/>Drunk under a streetlight<br/>I, I knew you<br/>Hand under my sweatshirt<br/>Baby, kiss it better, I</em>
</p>
<p><em>And when I felt like I was an old cardigan</em><br/>Under someone's bed<br/>You put me on and said I was your favorite</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>We ate our pancakes, which really were amazing. They had homemade maple syrup that was absolutely delicious. After I scolded Jacob to finish drinking all his water, we paid and started walking back to the parking lot.</p>
<p>"Please tell me you didn't drive to the beach." I said to Jacob as we were walking. Jacob seemed a little more sober now, but not much.</p>
<p>"No, no! I didn't. I walked."</p>
<p>"Okay, good. I can take him home, Quil." I offered.</p>
<p>Quil turned and looked at me quickly with a little bit of panic in his eyes. "No! Don't take him home."</p>
<p>His reaction startled me a little. Quil was more serious now than I had ever seen him. "What? Why?"</p>
<p>"Just don't. Um…" He paused. "Shit, my aunt got kinda pissed the last time I brought him over when he was like this, and with my mom just being out of rehab and trying to stay sober... I don't know…"</p>
<p>"Guys, it's fine," Jacob said easily. "Bella can take me home."</p>
<p>"Shut up, Jake. That's not happening." Quil responded sharply.</p>
<p>I got an idea. "I can take him back to my house, and he can crash on the couch. I'll just have to bring him back tomorrow before Charlie gets home."</p>
<p>"Yes, do that." Quil agreed.</p>
<p>"Or you can just take me home like I said." Jacob chimed in again.</p>
<p>We ignored him as we got back to the parking lot. I unlocked the passenger door and pulled it open. Jacob plopped inside ungracefully. I said bye to Quil then climbed into the driver's seat. Jacob was leaning against the window with his eyes closed. That was good; he probably needed to sleep it off.</p>
<p>I pulled out of the parking lot and started driving toward Forks. I listened to Jacob's even breathing while I drove the 20 minutes home.</p>
<p>My mind was lost in thought again, worrying about what was really going on with Jake and if he was ever going to open up to me. I glanced over at him and wondered if I was making a stupid decision by bringing him home with me. I quickly dismissed that thought as I focused on the road again. Quil seemed adamant that Jacob not go home for whatever reason.</p>
<p>I wondered if Sam, Embry, and Jared would be waiting for him there, and Quil thought he would get more hurt. But I also worried that Jacob's parents would worry about him if he didn't come home. I should have asked Quil about that.</p>
<p>I pulled into the driveway and parked in front of my house. Jacob was still asleep. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and messaged my dad to tell him I was home. Afterwards, I reached over and gently shook Jacob's shoulder to wake him up.</p>
<p>He gasped and sat up quickly, like I scared him. He was dazed for a second as he looked around. "Jake, it's okay. We're just home. Let's go inside."</p>
<p>He nodded as we both got out of the truck and started making our way inside. Jacob stopped walking suddenly and hunched over.</p>
<p>"Jacob?" I asked as I turned around. "What is it?"</p>
<p>He was walking over to the far side of the house. "I'm gonna throw up."</p>
<p>I followed after him slowly, and, sure enough, he hurled in the bushes on the side of my house. I put my hand on his back and rubbed it gently as he threw up again. I breathed through my mouth to avoid setting off my own stomach.</p>
<p>When he was done, he wiped his mouth with his jacket sleeve and stood up. "Sorry," he muttered embarrassingly.</p>
<p>"It's okay. Let's get you inside so you can sleep."</p>
<p>As we walked in, I turned on the lights, shrugged off my jacket, and set all my stuff down on the side table in the living room. I went to the hall closet and pulled out some extra bedding. I covered the couch with a sheet and placed a pillow and quilt on top.</p>
<p>"Let's go upstairs, and I'll get you a new toothbrush." He followed me into the bathroom. I gave him the toothbrush and showed him where the toothpaste was. I went back downstairs and got a big glass of water.</p>
<p>When Jacob came back downstairs, he sat on the couch, took off his jacket, and kicked off his shoes. I handed him the water. "Drink."</p>
<p>He sighed as he took several big gulps. I went to fill up the cup again and set it on the coffee table for him in case he woke up thirsty.</p>
<p>He laid down on the couch, barely fitting with how tall he was. I grabbed the quilt and draped it over him. "Do you need anything else?" I asked.</p>
<p>"No, this is more than enough, Bella… Thanks."</p>
<p>"Okay. I'm gonna go get ready for bed, too. I'll come back down in a few minutes to check on you again. I don't know much about taking care of drunk people, but I know they usually need food, lots of water, and are supposed to sleep on their sides. So, no rolling over on to your back."</p>
<p>He laughed as I walked up the stairs. I changed into my sweats and a comfortable T-shirt. I put my hair up then brushed my teeth and came back down the stairs.</p>
<p>Jacob looked like he was asleep. I walked quietly into the kitchen and turned the light off. Only a small lamp stayed on in the living room. I went to sit on the floor beside the couch. I was paranoid and wanted to make sure Jacob was breathing, and wasn't going to throw up again, before I went back upstairs.</p>
<p>"Bells, I'm fine. You can go to bed." He chuckled lightly with his eyes still closed.</p>
<p>I sighed. "But you're not fine, Jake… Not really." I whispered.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes slowly and met my gaze. He looked sad, which made my heart break. I realized then that whatever caused Jacob pain made me feel pain, too. My stomach knotted. I wanted to take away his sadness.</p>
<p>I reached up and moved his hair away from his cheek before letting my hand cup the side of his face. I used my thumb to gently rub back and forth against his cheek. He closed his eyes again and smiled lightly. His skin was so soft and warm. I brushed my fingers through his hair before resting my hand back on his cheek.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes after a moment. "Quil was right – I got drunk with Sam, Jared, and Embry."</p>
<p>"How come?" I asked quietly.</p>
<p>He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly before sitting up on the couch. I got up from the floor and went to sit next to him. We turned to face each other.</p>
<p>"Because I got the black eye and was pissed about it, so I wanted to blow off some steam… Escape reality, I guess."</p>
<p>"Those guys didn't do it to you?"</p>
<p>He shook his head. "No. They're assholes, but not like that."</p>
<p>I nodded and waited for him to continue explaining if he was going to. He looked torn, like he was grappling with something. I reached out to hold his hands. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just don't like seeing you hurt like this."</p>
<p>He looked up at me. "My dad <em>purposely</em> gave me the black eye, Bella." He said quickly.</p>
<p>My breath caught in my throat as I tried to digest the words he just spoke out loud. "<em>What?</em>"</p>
<p>"Yeah… That's why Quil said not to take me home. I tend to fight back quite a bit more if I'm drunk and it makes things worse."</p>
<p>I looked down at the couch as I tried to make sense of what he was telling me. His dad gave him the black eye? On purpose? His dad… <em>abused him</em>? Jacob couldn't go home tonight because he could have gotten more hurt? By his dad? I felt my stomach turn and suddenly wanted to run outside and throw up in the bushes like he had earlier.</p>
<p>I looked back up and Jacob appeared sad, but also ashamed. He looked away from me and down at our hands.</p>
<p>"What about your mom?" I asked.</p>
<p>"She died in a car accident when I was a little kid. That's when things got bad with my dad."</p>
<p>I felt some panic as I thought about taking him home tomorrow. Everything was starting to sink in more. "Jake, we have to tell someone… The police, my dad, child protective services. Someone! You can't live there with him! He… he can't hurt you like that anymore! You're too important. I won't let you get hurt." I felt tears fill my eyes.</p>
<p>"Bella, none of that would do any good… Because I'm Native American, it's pretty hard for the state to take custody of me and put me in a foster home – they have to show what's called 'active efforts' by placing me with my own family or another Native American family… In the past, they've always placed me with a relative, Quil, actually, since he's my second cousin. Then when CPS isn't involved anymore, I go back to actually living at my dad's, so I don't bug Quil and his aunt. I just spend a lot of time at Quil's but sleep at my dad's and stuff. It's a cycle that happens over and over. And since I'm 16 now… Well, they really aren't going to do anything different. Trust me, the hospital just called CPS again before we got out, and the same thing happened."</p>
<p>I shook my head. "No! No, there has to be something else we can do."</p>
<p>Jacob squeezed my hands. I looked up at him. "There's nothing… But I'm okay. Really. One of my older sisters, Rachel, is moving back with her husband, Paul, in the summer when they graduate from college. I'm going to live with them. So only a few more months."</p>
<p>"Is this why you've gone to the hospital so much?" I asked.</p>
<p>He sighed. "Yeah. When I drink, I usually get into it with my dad and the police show up. When they show up, my dad tells them some bullshit story about me being suicidal or homicidal so he's not in the wrong."</p>
<p>I searched his eyes and finally saw the sadness that he worked so hard to hide. I wasn't sure if this was Jacob finally trusting me enough to let me in or if this was the alcohol. Either way, I couldn't take looking at his pain anymore, so I scrambled into his lap, wrapped my arms around him, and buried my head into his neck. I squeezed him firmly, then, in between sobs, I said, "I'm so, so sorry… I hate that this has happened to you… You deserve so much better."</p>
<p>He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I ran my fingers up and down his back. "You…" Jacob started to say but paused. I lifted my head to look at him. "You don't want to run away from me screaming?" Jacob laughed lightheartedly, but he also looked somewhat serious.</p>
<p>I looked at him, confused. "I just told you how damaged I am, and you ran <em>toward</em> me instead of <em>away</em>. I think we need to reevaluate whether you're the smart one." He said before laughing again.</p>
<p>I thought back to the night in the hospital when Quil and I shared our stories, but Jacob wasn't able to. That was the same night I realized how important Jacob had become to me. I thought about how he was the light, and I was the dark. How I needed to give him some of my rain, and he needed to give me some of his sun.</p>
<p>Jacob couldn't run and hide from this pain forever; he had to feel it to move through it. He was far from damaged. He was just choosing the rain instead of the sunshine for a moment… And then I imagined the rainbow that always came after the storm.</p>
<p>Maybe I had been right – sometimes I needed to pull Jacob back into the rain and sometimes he needed to pull be forward into the sunshine; that was the only way to find the rainbow.</p>
<p>It was in this moment that I realized, again, just how much Jacob Black meant to me. I needed him, and he needed me. Maddie would be upset with me over the word, 'need,' but it felt so true.</p>
<p>I shifted in his lap so I could hold his face in my hands. "I'm <em>not</em> going anywhere," I vowed.</p>
<p>He was quiet as I searched his eyes for a moment. Then, without hesitation, I looked down at his lips and leaned in toward him. I stopped just an inch or so away, waiting to make sure he wanted to kiss me, too. He closed the gap immediately, pressing his lips softly to mine.</p>
<p>If I thought the hand holding had been intense, that didn't even compare to the feel of Jacob Black's lips molding and moving with my own. One of his arms stayed wrapped around my back and the other tangled in my hair, securing me to him. My heart was pounding as my entire body lit up in a way I was completely unfamiliar with. Blood rushed to unfamiliar places as I parted my lips, wanting to explore more of him. I felt his tongue carefully touch mine, which sent even more electricity through my body.</p>
<p>I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. My sole focus was to ensure that Jacob's mouth stayed attached to mine – that his tongue stayed moving against my own. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body closer to his.</p>
<p>When Jacob finally pulled away, panting, he rested his forehead to mine. "Holy shit," he whispered breathlessly. "You definitely taught me that I should open up to you more often. What secret do you wanna hear next?"</p>
<p>We laughed as our lips found each other again.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>We ended up moving the coffee table out of the way and sleeping together on the floor in the living room. I went upstairs and grabbed another pillow and blanket off my bed. I still made Jacob sleep on his side even though he promised me he was a thousand percent sober after all the kissing. We laid facing each other, holding hands.</p>
<p>"No more drinking?" I asked as I yawned.</p>
<p>"I'm going to work really hard on it. I promise." Jacob said sincerely.</p>
<p>"If you can't be at Quil's, you can always come over to my house."</p>
<p>He smirked. "I can probably be easily convinced to come over here more often."</p>
<p>I smiled back at him. "Are you still taking your medication and going to therapy?"</p>
<p>"No… The medication is too expensive. And it's a lot of gas to drive to my therapy appointments. I used to tag along when Quil would go and make my appointments at the same time, but Quil isn't going anymore either."</p>
<p>"You could make your appointments the same time as mine and I could drive us." I offered.</p>
<p>He sighed. "Maybe."</p>
<p>"Okay."</p>
<p>I yawned again and closed my eyes as I prepared to fall into a very comfortable, deep sleep despite laying on the hard, cold floor.</p>
<p>"'I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.'"</p>
<p>I opened my eyes to Jacob's face being lit up by his phone as he read the quote from <em>Looking for Alaska</em> to me – the book we both read in the hospital. I smiled. "Most romantic quote in a book ever, right? That's what you told me in the hospital."</p>
<p>He grinned. "Yes. I wanted to look it up because it fits this moment pretty perfectly, except, unlike that character, Pudge, I actually get to sleep next to the girl." He squeezed my hand.</p>
<p>I leaned forward and kissed the tip of his nose before snuggling back into my pillow and falling asleep immediately.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>When we woke up the next morning, I made us eggs and toast for breakfast before I drove Jacob back to La Push. I pulled up to Quil's and parked. Jacob grinned at me as he unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted along the seat to get closer to me.</p>
<p>"I don't want to leave you now." Jacob pouted.</p>
<p>"Me either." I turned to face him as he slowly leaned his head in toward mine. I closed the gap, pressing my lips to his and wrapping my arms around his neck the best I could at this angle in my truck. I didn't think I could ever get sick of Jake's lips on mine. I could kiss him all day.</p>
<p>My mind started to feel foggy, fully intoxicated with Jacob, until I heard a loud bang on the hood of my truck. Jacob and I jumped and turned toward the sound.</p>
<p>"What the fuck! I leave you two alone for, what, ten hours and now you're making out? I knew it was only a matter of time, but, man, I hate being a third wheel!" Quil yelled as he playfully pounded the hood of my truck again with his fists.</p>
<p>Jacob was laughing as I rolled my window down. "Quil, you'll never be a third wheel. I promise. Also, respect the truck, c'mon."</p>
<p>"Eh, you two losers deserve each other… Plus, now, I don't have to listen to Jake's annoying musings about whether you like him or not. I was getting really sick of that shit."</p>
<p>I blushed as I looked at Jacob who just smiled at me, not caring about Quil's comment whatsoever. "He's right. I was getting annoyed with me, too."</p>
<p>"Hey, while you're both here, my mom wanted me to invite my friends to dinner on Wednesday. And since you lovebirds are my only friends…"</p>
<p>"Well, I'll be here like always." Jake said.</p>
<p>"I can't Wednesday… I have to go to court that afternoon, and I don't know when I'll be done."</p>
<p>"For what?" Jacob asked.</p>
<p>I frowned. "To get a more permanent restraining order against Mike… I also have to go to court again for the criminal case in a few weeks."</p>
<p>Jake squeezed my hand. "I'll go with you."</p>
<p>"You can't go into the courtroom since Mike and I are both minors."</p>
<p>"I can wait outside for you then." Jacob said. I nodded.</p>
<p>"We'll do dinner Thursday instead. Does that work? My aunt will be at work, so it will just be the four of us." Jacob and I both agreed.</p>
<p>"Okay, I really have to get home before Charlie or else I won't be able to come to dinner Thursday or see either of you ever again." Jacob jumped out of the truck but came over to my window.</p>
<p>"Miss you already." He said as he pecked my lips.</p>
<p>"Bleh! Already feelin' the third wheel vibes over here."</p>
<p>"We'll work on it." I said to Quil before smiling at them both and rolling up my window. I reversed out of the driveway and headed home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus<br/></strong><em>Do you feel like a man<br/>When you push her around?<br/>Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?<br/>Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end<br/>As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found</em></p>
<p>
  <em>A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Every action in this world will bear a consequence</em>
  <br/>
  <em>If you wade around forever, you will surely drown</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I see what's going down</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>"I'm never going to get enough of this… of you." Jacob murmured against my lips as I stretched up on my tippy toes and kissed him again. One of my hands held his face to secure it in place and my other arm was wrapped around his back.</p>
<p>"Mmm, I know the feeling." I responded as I pulled away to take in a deep breath. Once I was oxygenated enough, our lips, like magnets, started dancing together again. Jacob tightened his arms around me, pulling me closer to his body as he leaned against the counter in my kitchen.</p>
<p>I felt like I had almost no self-control with Jacob. But it didn't feel scary; it felt exhilarating.</p>
<p>I pulled away. "Okay, okay… We have to study."</p>
<p>"I was studying…" Jacob said as he kissed the corner of my mouth, my cheek, jaw, and lightly peppered kisses on my neck. "I was studying," kiss. "How," kiss. "Your mouth feels," kiss. "Against mine."</p>
<p>Goosebumps rose on my skin as I leaned my head back. He kissed up the other side and found my lips again. My head was spinning. I wondered why kissing Jacob was so damn intoxicating. I'd kissed other boys before, and it was <em>nothing</em> like this.</p>
<p>I wanted to kiss him 24/7. It was like nothing else mattered except his lips on mine, our bodies pressing against each other. I wondered for a second what it would feel like for our <em>naked</em> bodies to be pressed against each other… We hadn't been able to keep our hands off each other since our first kiss last weekend. If I had my way, I would kiss Jacob Black all day, every day…</p>
<p>"Okay!" I said, breaking away from his lips and taking a few steps back. "Sit." I said to Jacob as I gestured toward the dining room chair. I sat at the other end. My heart was still racing, and my lips felt swollen. My face was flushed, and there was this aching, throbbing sensation in-between my legs that never felt this intense before.</p>
<p>"Sorry," Jacob smiled sheepishly from across the table. "Was that too much? I don't want to move too quickly or make you uncomfortable."</p>
<p>I blushed more. "No, Jake. That wasn't too much, and I trust you… I know you won't hurt me like that."</p>
<p>"Never." He said sincerely.</p>
<p>"I know." I said again. And it was true. I knew that Jacob would never treat me the way Mike had. Jacob was the epitome of safety, in my mind, anyway.</p>
<p>He just made my brain and body react in ways that were completely new when he was kissing me... I thought I'd felt his body react the same way when he pulled me closer against him, and I felt a bulge in his jeans as it brushed against my leg…</p>
<p>Ah! I couldn't keep getting distracted by his body and my body. I needed to focus.</p>
<p>I pulled out my math book and notebook. I flipped to the page for my assignment and pulled out a pencil. I glanced across the table and saw Jake pull one of his schoolbooks out of this backpack, too.</p>
<p>"What time are we supposed to go to Quil's for dinner?" I asked.</p>
<p>"He said around 6:00."</p>
<p>"Okay. We've got two hours. Think we can get some studying and homework in before then?"</p>
<p>He exaggerated a sigh then grinned. "We can try, I guess."</p>
<p>"We better try hard because Charlie is going to be home soon."</p>
<p>"Maybe that means we should kiss again now before he gets here?" He asked suggestively as he wiggled his eyebrows up and down, making me laugh.</p>
<p>Ugh, his comment was definitely tempting, but I had to get this assignment done since it was due tomorrow... But, then again, Jacob also looked insanely cute as he brushed his hair back behind his shoulder. His full, soft lips were curled up into a smirk and his brown eyes sparkled.</p>
<p>God, how could I resist? I couldn't.</p>
<p>I got up from my chair and walked over to him. He scooted his chair out, and I sat down on his lap. I kissed right behind his ear then down his neck as he wrapped his arms around my back. His breathing was uneven as I kissed back up then pulled away just enough to look into his eyes for a few seconds before pressing my lips to his. I tangled my fingers in his hair as his lips parted, and I slipped my tongue into his mouth. A quiet moan escaped from deep in my throat as our tongues danced together.</p>
<p>I thought putting the table in between us would act as a barrier to keep us focused, but there was an invisible force that kept pulling our bodies together. I'd seen in movies before how teenagers who were "madly in love" would make-out with each other any chance they got. I always thought that was just a ruse, but it definitely wasn't. Not with Jacob, anyway.</p>
<p>We weren't going to be able to do homework together anymore unless Quil was here as a buffer.</p>
<p>I heard keys jingle against the front door. I broke away from Jacob's mouth as the front door unlocked.</p>
<p>"Shoot!" I whisper-yelled then stood up quickly and sprinted back to my chair across the table. I heard Jacob stifle a laugh as I picked up my pencil and tried to make it seem like I had been working on a particular math problem all along.</p>
<p>"Hey, Bell." Charlie said as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. "Jacob," he said with a nod.</p>
<p>"Good to see you, Chief Swan." Jacob smiled innocently.</p>
<p>I looked up at Charlie as he eyed both of us somewhat suspiciously before heading up the stairs to change out of his uniform.</p>
<p>"You're lucky I heard him come in; otherwise, he would have tased you, too." I whispered once Charlie was out of earshot.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>Jacob and I worked pretty diligently on homework once my dad got home. We each finished our assignments that were due tomorrow just in time to leave to Quil's house. I finished putting everything back in my backpack and walked into the living room where Charlie and Jacob were talking about a basketball game that Charlie had on the T.V.</p>
<p>"Ready?" I asked Jake.</p>
<p>"Yeah, let me grab my backpack." Jacob jumped up to his feet and grabbed his stuff in the kitchen. He shook Charlie's hand then started for the door.</p>
<p>"Not too late, Bell."</p>
<p>"I'll be home soon after dinner." I replied before grabbing my jacket and heading out the door behind Jacob. We climbed into his car as he started driving toward La Push.</p>
<p>Jacob reached into my lap to hold my hand. "Are you still feeling okay about yesterday?"</p>
<p>Jacob was referring to the court hearing yesterday to extend my temporary restraining order. For whatever reason, Mike and his parents didn't end up showing up, so the judge granted an Order of Protection for a year. After a year, I would have to have another hearing to see if a permanent restraining order could be issued. I didn't have to do anything but sit there and wait to be told that I could leave, so it wasn't as difficult as it would have been if I had to actually see Mike.</p>
<p>"Yeah. I mean, it was easy since <em>he</em> wasn't there… I'm really nervous for court again in a couple of weeks, though."</p>
<p>My stomach constricted as I thought about seeing Mike for the criminal case. He would, undoubtedly, be there unless he wanted to be held in contempt. I would also have to testify there. I was planning to talk with Maddie about it on Monday to see what she suggested for me to feel less anxiety and panic about it.</p>
<p>"I know. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. It's really not fair."</p>
<p>"No, it's not." I sighed.</p>
<p>He squeezed my hand. "I'll be there again if you want me to be."</p>
<p>"I always want you with me." I answered immediately.</p>
<p>We pulled up to Quil's aunt's house a few minutes later. We got out of the car and walked up the small driveway to the front door. Jacob walked in right away. Quil looked up from the living room couch where he was playing a video game. "'Sup, guys?" He said as he paused his game and stood up to greet us.</p>
<p>While Jake and Quil talked, I looked around. The living room was small, only having a loveseat and one armchair. The kitchen was the next room over, and I could hear some clanging. Whatever was cooking smelled good. There was a little hallway that led to maybe two or three bedrooms and a bathroom. The house seemed cozy and inviting.</p>
<p>On a little side table by the couch, I spotted a picture of two little kids, probably six or seven. There were two women far in the background. I reached down and picked it up then looked to Quil. "Is this you and Jake?"</p>
<p>"Yep, back in the good 'ol days – seven years old when our only worries were having to eat vegetables and go to bed early."</p>
<p>Jacob came up beside me and pointed to the women in the background. "That was my mom, and that is Heather, Quil's mom," he said quietly. "Our moms were really close."</p>
<p>I looked up at him to study his face. He looked indifferent. I wrapped my arm around his back and leaned into his side. "She was beautiful, your mom. You look like her."</p>
<p>"A lot of people tell me that." I rubbed his back as he took the picture frame from my hand and set it back on the table. "Let's go see what's for dinner."</p>
<p>Jacob held my hand as we followed Quil into the kitchen. Quil's mother was stirring, what looked like, spaghetti sauce in a pot on the stove. She was tall and slender. She had shiny, straight black hair that was pulled up away from her face. She turned to look at us as we came into the kitchen and smiled.</p>
<p>"Quil, set the table, will you?" She said to him before turning to Jacob and me.</p>
<p>"Hi, Heather." Jacob said with a smile as they gave each other a quick hug. "Heather, this is Bella."</p>
<p>I held my hand out to her, but she dismissed it and pulled me into a hug instead. "It's so nice to meet you, Bella. Jacob and Quil have told me a lot about you. It sounds like you keep them in line, which I appreciate."</p>
<p>"Well, they're quite the handful, but I definitely try." I joked.</p>
<p>"Is it just the four of us?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>"Five. I have a friend coming, too. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes if you guys want to sit down." Heather responded.</p>
<p>As she turned back to the stove, I saw Jacob and Quil exchange a worried glance. I squeezed Jacob's hand, trying to understand their silent apprehension. He just kissed my hair and led me to the table.</p>
<p>I shrugged my jacket off and draped it over the back of my chair before sitting down. Heather finished the spaghetti and placed it on the table. She was washing her hands when the doorbell rang. Quil jumped up immediately and went to answer the door.</p>
<p>When he walked back into the kitchen a minute or so later, he rolled his eyes as he looked at Jacob. Behind Quil was a taller, older man. He had short hair and a scowl on his face. As soon as I saw him, I felt the hair on my arms stand up straight. There was something off about him.</p>
<p>Quil sat back down at the table while the other guy walked over to Heather, placed an arm around her waist and kissed her cheek. They turned toward the table and Heather introduced him to us.</p>
<p>"Guys, this is Dylan. I met him in rehab, and he lived nearby, so I told him he could come over for dinner, too." Heather gestured to each of us. "That's Jacob, Bella, and I think you met my son, Quil."</p>
<p>Jacob stood up and shook his hand, but I didn't move from my chair. He still gave me the creeps. Heather and Dylan sat down, and we all started serving ourselves the spaghetti.</p>
<p>"So, you met this guy in rehab, huh? <em>Not</em> on the street somewhere?" Quil asked as he swirled his fork in his spaghetti noodles and shoved the bite into his mouth.</p>
<p>"Quil!" Heather scolded him. "Have some manners for once, please."</p>
<p>"Well, you have a track record for picking some <em>real</em> winners, mom. No offense, Dylan, you seem like a <em>real</em>ly good guy – one that will <em>definitely</em> keep my mom off drugs." Quil said sarcastically with a snort.</p>
<p>I glanced at Jacob. I was feeling incredibly awkward. He met my gaze then took a bite of his own spaghetti. He reached for my hand under the table.</p>
<p>"Look, kid. Your mom already asked you to chill, so take it down a notch." Dylan said to Quil.</p>
<p>Quil laughed. "Oh, goodie. A new daddy to keep me in check."</p>
<p>Heather slammed her hand down on the table, making all of us jump. "Enough!" Quil looked at her, jaw clenched. He shook his head slightly but stayed silent after that.</p>
<p>We were all quiet for, what felt like, eternity. I kept my head down as I pushed my food around on my plate. When I looked up, everyone was doing the same except Dylan. My gaze locked with his for a second before his eyes traveled down my body and back up. He smirked. I glowered at him before glancing back down at my plate.</p>
<p>I felt sick to my stomach all of a sudden. Dylan was bad news. Why was I a target for men like him? I started to feel extremely self-conscious, so I let go of Jacob's hand and instinctively grabbed my jacket off the back of the chair. I put it on quickly and zipped it up. Jacob looked at me questioningly. I have no idea what he saw in my face – probably a mix of nausea and disgust.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, everyone… Quil and I have some things we still need to work through." Heather said as she glanced at Quil.</p>
<p>When I looked up, I smiled tightly and gave her a little nod to let her know it was okay. Dylan looked at me provocatively again, so I gazed back down at my plate.</p>
<p>"Heather, you know I respect you more than anyone, but if your <em>friend</em> makes Bella feel uncomfortable one more time, he'll have to leave." Jacob said matter-of-factly as he took a bite of garlic bread and reached to hold my hand under the table again. How could Jacob tell? He was always so in-tune with me.</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella," Heather said. "Dylan, well… he's still recovering. He might have some weird quirks." She laughed nervously and looked at Dylan who smiled back at her.</p>
<p>"It's okay." I said politely.</p>
<p>"No, it's actually not okay, but he can make a different decision moving forward and all will be good. It's up to him." Jacob said. That reminded me of what Stevie and Maddie had been trying to teach me – take my power back. I couldn't let men like this control me or bother me anymore. I took my jacket off again.</p>
<p>"Shit, Heather, you've got some ballsy little <em>boys</em> that think they can take care of you… and <em>her</em>." Dylan looked at me and winked.</p>
<p>I heard Jacob take in a sharp deep breath as Quil fidgeted in his chair. I quickly kicked Quil under the table, hoping that would stop him from saying whatever sarcastic comment was about to bubble up out of his mouth.</p>
<p>Then I squeezed Jake's hand as I said as stoically as I could, "I don't need <em>anyone</em> to take care of me, and I would appreciate it if you kept your eyes to yourself."</p>
<p>Dylan laughed. "Oh, sweetheart. A cute little thing like you needs all the protection she can get."</p>
<p>"You need to –" Jacob started to say, but I cut him off.</p>
<p>"I am <em>not</em> your 'sweetheart,' and you can't talk to me that way." I think my voice shook when I spoke, but I didn't care. I also worried about being rude to Heather's guest, but I had to have a voice to protect myself. <em>Rude was okay</em> <em>to keep my power.</em></p>
<p>"Whatever," he laughed and rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"Okay," Jacob said sternly. "You need to leave now."</p>
<p>"Two <em>boys</em> verses one <em>man</em>… Hmm, if I'm old enough to do that math, I would say two is still more than one, which means you are outnumbered. Get the fuck out or we'll put you out. Your choice." Quil said.</p>
<p>Dylan laughed as he stood up from the table. "I don't have the energy to deal with this shit. Heather?" She looked up at him. "You coming with me?"</p>
<p>Heather looked to the three of us. "I expected more out of you – Jacob and Quil." She shook her head then stood up from the table. She followed Dylan out of the kitchen and out the front door. The door closed behind them. We all sat in silence.</p>
<p>"Damn it!" Quil shouted in anger as he threw his plate on the floor, shattering it, and causing his food to splatter everywhere.</p>
<p>I thought that was a perfectly reasonable reaction to everything that had just happened.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>"I never would have taken you to dinner if I thought something like that would happen. I am so sorry, Bella." Jacob said as he drove me home from Quil's. After Heather left, Jacob and I cleaned up the kitchen while Quil went for a walk. Once we were finished, Jacob and I got in his car for him to take me home.</p>
<p>"Jake, you couldn't have known; it's okay. I'm more worried about Quil. How could Heather choose that jerk she just met in rehab over her own son? What kind of mother does <em>that</em>?"</p>
<p>He squeezed my hand. "I don't know," he shook his head. "I'm gonna stay with Quil tonight."</p>
<p>"Will you and Quil be okay at his aunt's house? What if Dylan and Heather come back?"</p>
<p>"Quil's aunt will be home from work by the time I get back. She won't hesitate to kick Heather out if she thinks Heather is using or thinks she's in another abusive relationship. We'll be fine."</p>
<p>"Okay." I said, still feeling uneasy about it all. Quil and Jacob had so many struggles with their home lives. I felt grateful for Charlie and Renee. Poor Quil had a mom that never put him first, and his dad was a deadbeat. I was worried about Quil because he tried to kill himself the last time his mom relapsed, and he looked so upset when his mom left earlier…</p>
<p>And Jacob… I felt myself cringe. His dad was a monster.</p>
<p>"It'll be fine, Bella. I promise." Jacob said, reading my silent thoughts.</p>
<p>We pulled up outside my house and Jacob leaned over to kiss me goodbye. My normal physical reactions all kicked into high gear once his lips touched mine. I held his face in between my hands to keep him there a little while longer. Kissing Jacob made the worries dissolve.</p>
<p>"I know you don't need anyone to protect you, but I will always be here to do it anyway." Jacob whispered as he kissed my forehead.</p>
<p>"Thanks, Jake," I smiled. "Now, kiss me one more time before I have to go inside." He chuckled and pressed his lips to mine.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Praying" by Kesha<br/></strong><em>I'm proud of who I am<br/>No more monsters, I can breathe again<br/>And you said that I was done<br/>Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come<br/>'Cause I can make it on my own, oh<br/>And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known<br/>I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh<br/>When I'm finished, they won't even know your name</em></p>
<p>
  <em>You brought the flames and you put me through hell<br/>I had to learn how to fight for myself</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>"<em>Bella, come on," Mike pleaded as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back toward him. "I love you."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Not yet."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He rolled his eyes. "You're being so selfish."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I lifted my head to look at him. "I don't see how." Was I being self-centered? I genuinely didn't want to have sex with Mike yet.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He sighed and leaned forward to press his lips to mine. I kissed him back. He shifted on the couch, so his body was facing more toward mine. One of his hands gripped tightly around my hip and the other was on my thigh. He deepened the kiss and scooted closer to me. I rested my hands on his shoulders, prepared to push him away if needed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He reached up and put his hand on top of mine before gripping my wrist. He moved my hand down and quickly placed it on the bulge in his jeans.</em>
</p>
<p><em>I simultaneously broke away from the kiss and moved my hand. I recoiled away from him. Before I could say anything, Mike was already explaining, "We can do </em>other<em> things… You know, since you don't want to actually have sex."</em></p>
<p><em>I shook my head. I didn't have a desire to do anything sexual with Mike. It didn't feel right. I didn't know when or how I would feel ready, but it definitely wasn't here on his living room couch with his parents probably on their way home from work. I also wanted… I don't know, </em>more<em>. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want, but I wanted to feel like I needed Mike right here, right now with no doubts in my mind. Instead, I felt like I wanted to go home and get as far away from him as I could. My body was far from aroused; instead, it was telling me to flee.</em></p>
<p>"<em>I don't want to, Mike!" I said annoyingly. Anytime we were alone lately, he was pushing this agenda. I was tired of it.</em></p>
<p>"<em>See, that's what I mean about being fucking selfish!" He yelled angrily. "I want a physical relationship with you, and you keep shutting me down. I can only wait so long until I look for it elsewhere."</em></p>
<p>"<em>What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Ugh! You know what it means, Bella. Are you ever going to be ready or not?"</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I felt like crying because I didn't know the answer and because I was really starting to wonder if I was being egocentric or if there was something wrong with me. I just didn't feel fully attracted to Mike in a sexual type of way. Not right now, at least. And the pressure of it all was making me even more confused.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>I don't know," I answered in a small voice.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Then get out. This is over. I'll find someone else."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Mike…"</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>No, Bella," he said hastily before standing up from the couch and picking up my backpack. He shoved it at me. "Leave. Get out!"</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I stood up but froze as I looked at him again. His eyes were dark, and he had a scowl on his face. He suddenly lunged toward me and grabbed my wrists. He pushed me down on the couch and held my arms above my head with one hand while his other hand traveled up my shirt and underneath my bra.</em>
</p>
<p>I woke myself up screaming from the nightmare.</p>
<p>I sat up straight in bed and wiped the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. I knew right away this dream had something to do with court this week where I would have to see Mike again for the first time since the assault. I focused on taking deep breaths to slow my heart rate. I hoped Charlie wasn't going to wake up.</p>
<p>I glanced at the clock – it was 2:00 in the morning. I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep anytime soon, so I reached for my phone on my nightstand.</p>
<p>I had a text message from Jacob from a couple hours ago:</p>
<p>
  <em>Goodnight, beautiful Bella! Sweet dreams. XO</em>
</p>
<p>Jacob was a heavy sleeper, so I knew it wouldn't wake him up if I responded now:</p>
<p>
  <em>You're sweet, but my dreams are not. I miss you. XO</em>
</p>
<p>Why did Mike have to be such a jerk? Why did I have to agree to go out with him in the first place? Ugh, I hated myself for making that decision. If only I'd said no from the beginning, then none of this would have happened. Mike turned out to be a monster. That made me wonder… Was I rushing things with Jacob? I thought everything was good with Mike before he did a complete 180. What if that happened with Jacob, too? I was feeling more anxious now. My heart would be completely broken if things ended badly with Jacob…</p>
<p>My phone started buzzing like someone was calling me. I looked down and answered immediately. "Jake?" I said in a whisper, not wanting to wake Charlie. I was surprised that my scream hadn't.</p>
<p>"Hey, Bells," he said groggily.</p>
<p>"Crap, did my text wake you up? I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"No, no, it didn't… I'm staying over at Quil's tonight. Heather just got home a few minutes ago, and she was kind of loud in the kitchen, so it woke me up."</p>
<p>I sighed. What was Heather doing out at this hour? "Oh. Is she… okay? I mean, it's pretty late."</p>
<p>"I don't know," Jacob responded. "I didn't get up to check on her. Part of me didn't want to know the answer."</p>
<p>"Ugh, I don't blame you," I sighed as I worried about Quil. "Did it wake Quil up, too?"</p>
<p>"No, he's still asleep," Jacob replied. "Did you have a bad dream?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," I said quietly before shuddering a little at the memory of it.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Bells. Wanna talk about it?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. "Not really… I think it's just anxiety about court this week."</p>
<p>"Stay on the phone with me until you fall asleep?" Jake offered.</p>
<p>"Okay," I responded before I snuggled back down under my covers. The anxiety I was feeling about Jacob before he called seemed to dissipate. He really was the most genuine, caring person I'd ever met. He was my best friend. Mike was never my best friend.</p>
<p>"Try to go to sleep, Bell." That was the last thing I heard before my eyes drooped.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Why did you ask for make up work for class on Thursday and Friday? Everything okay?" Angela asked me as we walked to the parking lot together after school the next day. It was Monday afternoon.</p>
<p>"Yeah, everything's fine," I sighed. "I have to go to court on Thursday for the case with Mike. I'm not coming to school Friday because I think Thursday will be too draining."</p>
<p>I stopped at my truck and pulled my keys out of backpack.</p>
<p>"Oh, Bella! I had no idea… Will you have to see him? Do you have to testify?"</p>
<p>My stomach flip flopped with anxiety. "Yes to both."</p>
<p>There was no plea deal that had been agreed to, and Mike's attorney made it clear to the District Attorney (DA) that they were going to fight the charges. When I met with the DA last week, he said it was going to be a long court hearing because many people would have to testify, including my dad, Mike, Maddie, the police detective, the two other police officers on scene, and me.</p>
<p>"Gosh, I'm so sorry, Bella. I can't imagine how scary that must be."</p>
<p>"Yeah," I sighed again. "I'm sorry, I have to go, Ang. I have a therapy appointment, and I don't want to be late."</p>
<p>"Of course, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything." Angela pulled me into a hug before turning and walking to her own car.</p>
<p>I climbed into my truck and started driving to my appointment with Maddie. I tried to keep my mind clear as I drove. I had been feeling anxious all day, just anticipating court… and seeing <em>him</em> there. <em>Ugh</em>. I pushed it out of my mind and focused just on the mundane road ahead of me.</p>
<p>I parked and made my way inside. I checked in then sat down. Maddie greeted me right away. I followed her back into her office. I sat in my usual spot on her couch and grabbed a pillow to hold it in front of myself.</p>
<p>"You look anxious, Bella." Maddie noted as she sat down across from me.</p>
<p>I nodded. "Court on Thursday."</p>
<p>"What are you most afraid of?"</p>
<p>"I'm not afraid." I said quickly. I thought back to the last few sessions I'd had to Maddie. We focused so much on empowerment. That, coupled with beating the shit out of a punching bag with Stevie once a week, had me feeling pretty strong. I didn't <em>think</em> I was afraid.</p>
<p>"Well, anxiety is being afraid of what may or may not happen."</p>
<p>I sighed. Maddie and all her wisdom. "Okay, let me rephrase that – I don't want to be afraid."</p>
<p>"And I ask my previous question again – what are you most afraid of? And just because you are afraid doesn't mean you aren't strong. In fact, the only way to build strength is to face adversity."</p>
<p>I digested that for a second. That made sense. I would not be able to stand up for myself the way I was able to now if I hadn't been assaulted. "I guess I am most afraid of… seeing him and forgetting all the hard work I've done to process what he did."</p>
<p>"I don't want to lie to you and tell you that it will be easy to see him," Maddie said. "It is probably going to be difficult. But you can do hard things."</p>
<p><em>I could do hard things</em>. Okay. "I'm also afraid of his attorney… What if she makes it look like it was my fault?"</p>
<p>"Well, remember that's his attorney's job – to make you look bad. She's doing it to get paid."</p>
<p>I nodded. "I know… It just kind of seems like it would be better if we just dropped the charges. I could keep the restraining order forever and just move on already. I don't want to sit through a court hearing where I have to see Mike and have his attorney try to make all of this look like it was my fault."</p>
<p>"A lot of women in your shoes do that."</p>
<p>"Really?"</p>
<p>Maddie frowned. "Yes, the system is not always in favor of survivors, unfortunately."</p>
<p>"It fucking sucks." I said then instantly thought of Quil because of my language. I guess that was the only bad habit I was picking up from hanging out with him and Jacob. "But if I do that, it will also feel like I'm running away from him. I don't want him to think I'm afraid of him anymore, even though I am, I guess."</p>
<p>Maddie took a deep breath and smiled tightly. "You have to make the decision that's right for you, Bella. Even the women that don't pursue charges are strong because they are doing what they need for themselves. What is best for you?"</p>
<p>I contemplated her question for a while. The loudest voice in my head was saying that I needed all of this behind me. I needed to just move forward in my life. I wanted to forget that any of this ever happened.</p>
<p>But there was also a smaller, quieter voice that wondered if not pursing charges would mean that Mike won. It also wondered how many other women he would do this to if I didn't speak my story.</p>
<p>I had to do this for other women, too. Not just me. I also imagined how it would feel to steal my power back from Mike in court. I wanted to see him receive consequences for his actions. Maybe that's what I needed for closure and to move forward. I envisioned Mike getting jail time or having to go to a residential treatment facility.</p>
<p>"I need to do this… If not for me, then for the other women that could be his future victims… I think it will also feel good to see what his punishment will be."</p>
<p>Maddie smiled. "Then let's make him be the one that's afraid of ever messing with a woman again."</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck you.</em>
</p>
<p>I said like a mantra over and over in my head as I wailed on the punching bag later that evening at my self-defense class with Stevie. I imagined it was Mike I was pounding. Tonight, Stevie showed us the elbow strike and how to escape from a bear hug attack.</p>
<p>Stevie taught us that if an attacker is too close to us, and we can't get enough momentum to throw a strong hammer strike or groin kick, we should use our elbows to strike the attacker in their neck, jawline, or chin.</p>
<p>If an attacker comes up from behind us and tries to pull us into a "bear hug," Stevie showed us how to bend forward, so it makes it more difficult for the attacker to pick us up. Then she showed us how to use our elbows to strike the attacker until we are able to get free.</p>
<p>We broke up into groups again and practiced. I was getting better on my feet and wasn't quite as clumsy as I had during the first class.</p>
<p>"Bella," Stevie said as she came to stand beside me. "How are you feeling about court on Thursday?"</p>
<p>I looked at her curiously. I wasn't sure how she knew, but I guessed it was just because she worked here at the police station with my dad. And since Forks was so dang small…</p>
<p>"Okay, I guess." I responded.</p>
<p>"You know," she said, leaning against my punching bag. "I think you're ready to face him – Mike. You're stronger and you know how to hold yourself."</p>
<p>I shrugged and glanced at Stevie. She was someone I looked up to so much. She was the definition of "strong." I wondered for a moment why she taught self-defense classes to women and what made her the badass feminist that she was. I also didn't know what she did during the day – I guessed she was a patrol officer since she worked here, but I wasn't sure.</p>
<p>She smiled, and as if she read my thought, she said, "I want to tell you my 'me too' story if you'd like to hear it. We have to tell our stories to break the stigma, right?"</p>
<p>I nodded and started to pull off my gloves. "Yes. I'd like to hear your story if you want to share."</p>
<p>"For whatever reason, I knew since I was a little kid that I wanted to be a police officer. So, when I graduated high school, I got my bachelor's degree in criminal justice then passed the physical and written tests to go on to the police academy in Seattle. There's quite a bit of hazing that happens in police academies to new recruits – usually just a lot of comments about being newbies and being forced to do extra chores and things like that," she sighed. I was listening intently as I leaned against the punching bag, completely engrossed in her story.</p>
<p>"Well, the women officers weren't just hazed… Many of them were assaulted, me included. Most of our teachers were men, obviously, in a male-dominated profession. Well, one of our teachers was extremely handsy. He would always come up behind us and give us unwanted neck massages, snap our bras, things like that. During one of his classes, we were learning how to do pat-downs. He asked me to stand up for him to demonstrate, so I did. In front of the entire class, he groped my ass and my breasts. All the guys in the class laughed while I stood there humiliated and completely frozen…" She trailed off for a second.</p>
<p>"Once he was done touching me, I walked out of the class and straight to the HR department. I told them I wanted to file a complaint. They told me if I did, I would likely be kicked out of the academy. I filed the complaint anyway… Once that teacher found out about it, he backed me into a corner one night and told me he was only kidding, and that I let him touch me the way he did because I didn't fight him or move away…"</p>
<p>She shook her head. "Fucking asshole. Anyway, I ended up getting kicked out of the academy, just like the HR department warned me would happen. I didn't care. I needed a change of scenery, so I moved in with my cousin here in Forks soon afterwards. I worked at a grocery store for a while until I met your dad, which was inevitable in this small town. I met with him one day and decided to join the police department here… Completely different experience, obviously." She smiled.</p>
<p>I didn't know what to say. "Stevie, I'm so sorry that you experienced all of that."</p>
<p>"I'm not," she said blankly. "Without that experience under my belt, I wouldn't understand how to empathize with other women with similar experiences, like you. I also wouldn't have found this department or my partner, Leah."</p>
<p>I was reminded of "the Great Perhaps" for a second. Just like Stevie, if this experience with Mike never happened, I probably would have never met Jacob and Quil. Without her experience, she would have never met her partner or found her job here in Forks. Maybe bad things have to happen for us to understand and appreciate the good things.</p>
<p>But that still didn't mean Mike, or any other guy for that matter, could be let off the hook for assaulting women.</p>
<p>"You… know all about my experience?" Again, I figured it was just because of it being such a small town and small police department. I also guessed everyone knew that my dad had to be in court on Thursday.</p>
<p>She looked at me puzzlingly. "You don't remember, do you?"</p>
<p>"Remember what?"</p>
<p>"Bella, I was the detective that responded to the call the night Mike assaulted you. I was the second officer on scene with your dad."</p>
<p>I blinked a few times before fully registering what she had just said. I closed my eyes, forcing it to make sense. Then I started to remember a tiny, blurry fragment of the memory:</p>
<p>
  <em>I was sitting on the stairs sometime after my dad got home… That's when I was still floating, totally checked out.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>She's not responding to me at all! I don't know what to do to help her!" My dad yelled.</em></p>
<p>"<em>She's in shock. Give her some time. I'll get her upstairs. You stay here with the perp." Stevie said before coming over and kneeling in front of me.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Bella, you are safe. I am going to get you upstairs so we can talk. I'll also help you get some different clothes."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Stevie put one of my arms around her shoulders then wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me up. I guess my feet worked enough to walk up the stairs with her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>We got into my room, and she walked me over to my bed. She rummaged through one of my drawers and found some clean clothes for me. She stepped out into the hall while I changed into them and kicked my other clothes under the bed. She came back into the room and sat next to me on my bed.</em>
</p>
<p>I guessed that was when she started asking me questions about what happened, but I still couldn't remember.</p>
<p>I opened my eyes. "You took me upstairs and talked with me?"</p>
<p>"Yes." She replied.</p>
<p>"I don't really remember much after you helping me upstairs, but thank you."</p>
<p>She put her hand on my shoulder. "No thank-you needed, Bella. Us women have to stick together… After you changed, I just asked you some questions about what happened with Mike. You weren't really able to give me much information. Then you laid in bed and fell asleep."</p>
<p>I nodded, thankful that she filled in some of the gaps for me. "So, you'll be at court on Thursday, too?"</p>
<p>"Yes," she smirked and squeezed my shoulder. "Let's give that fucker what he deserves, shall we?"</p>
<p>I smiled. "What kind of consequences do you think Mike will get?"</p>
<p>"It's hard to say… It depends on how the evidence is presented and how the attorneys spin it," she sighed. "Often, though, men are let off far too easy for these types of charges."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>mad woman" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>Does a scorpion sting when fighting back?<br/></em><em>They strike to kill, and you know I will</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Does she smile?<br/></em>
  <em>Or does she mouth, "Fuck you forever"?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and examined myself in my court attire. I sighed as I pulled my hair back into a low ponytail then readjusted my blouse by fixing the tuck in the back. I plucked a piece of lint off the black slacks I was wearing. I looked the part, I guess. I went back into my room and put on a pair of flats.</p>
<p>I met my dad downstairs. He was drinking coffee, sitting at the table. We gave each other a stiff, straight smile, not saying anything. It was going to be a hard day for both of us.</p>
<p>I was too anxious to eat. I swallowed the pill Charlie handed to me with some water and checked my phone. Jacob texted me, saying that he and Quil would be waiting in the parking lot this morning before we went inside. He said they would wait there until court got out so he could see me. Charlie confirmed that, because Mike and I were both minors, only certain people were allowed in the courtroom, so Jacob and Quil could not be there for support.</p>
<p>We left the house a few minutes later and started the drive to the courthouse. Once we parked, I got out of Charlie's patrol car and searched. Jacob and Quil walked over to us quickly. They both said hi to Charlie then came over to me.</p>
<p>"How ya feelin'?" Quil asked.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "I've been better."</p>
<p>I saw Jacob look up to where Charlie was standing by his door then back at me. I knew what he was doing. I reached forward and held his hand, not caring today whether my dad saw or not. I needed his warmth.</p>
<p>Jacob smiled. "It will be okay," he said. "We'll wait here for you all day until you are done or have a recess or whatever."</p>
<p>"You guys don't have to wait all day. I don't want you to miss school. Seeing you now is more than enough."</p>
<p>"Are you kidding? We've got snacks and Wi-Fi. We're ready to camp out all day and night if needed." Quil said.</p>
<p>"Thanks, guys." I smiled.</p>
<p>"We better get inside, Bell." Charlie said as he walked over to our little circle. I nodded to him.</p>
<p>Quil put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed once. Jacob gripped my hand a little tighter then leaned forward and kissed my head. "Everything will be fine," he whispered.</p>
<p>I took another deep breath then turned and started walking away from them with Charlie toward the entrance.</p>
<p>I could do this… I think.</p>
<p>Yes, I could. I could do hard things.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>We got through the security, and I followed Charlie to the correct courtroom. I saw Stevie sitting outside already. She stood up when we were close.</p>
<p>She kept a stoic expression on her face as she shook Charlie's hand and turned to me to place a hand on my shoulder. She looked me straight in the eye and nodded twice. I took a deep breath and nodded back. I knew what the message was – <em>you are strong, you can do this</em>, <em>give him hell.</em></p>
<p>She sat back down. I looked over my shoulder and saw Maddie walking in behind us. She smiled and nodded to me also. I felt a moment of gratitude that I was surrounded by such strong, empowering women. They showed up for me. I could show up for them, too.</p>
<p>I took another deep breath and fixed my face. I did not want to walk into that courtroom looking scared. I wanted to look murderously fierce. My dad put his hand on my shoulder and guided me through the doors of the courtroom and up to our seats. I stood up straight and looked directly ahead of me. The District Attorney (DA) and victim's advocate greeted us both while we sat down. The victim's advocate wrote down a very tentative schedule for court to give me an idea of what was happening and when.</p>
<p>Opening Statements</p>
<p><span>Witness 1</span>: Stevie Martin, Police Detective</p>
<p><span>Witness 2</span>: Charlie Swan, Responding Officer/Witness to Crime</p>
<p><span>Witness 3</span>: John Patton, Responding Officer</p>
<p><span>Witness 4</span>: Mark Griffin, Responding Officer</p>
<p>Possible Recess</p>
<p><span>Witness 5</span>: Isabella Swan, Victim</p>
<p><span>Witness 6</span>: Maddie Winters, Victim's Mental Health Therapist</p>
<p><span>Witness 7</span>: Michael Newton, Perpetrator</p>
<p>Closing Arguments</p>
<p>Verdict</p>
<p>The DA flipped through some paperwork in front of him and chatted quietly with Charlie. I'd met with the DA last week for him to prepare me for court. He was the one that told me today could be a long day because of all the people that had to testify. Because Mike and I were both minors, there was no jury – only the judge.</p>
<p>Once I got the nerve, I glanced to the left. And there he was: sitting beside both of his parents and his female attorney. He had on a suit and tie; his hair was perfectly combed. He looked young and innocent enough. Anger spread like fire through my body as I saw Mike turn and say something to his dad. They both laughed.</p>
<p>
  <em>They fucking laughed like there was something humorous that was going on right now.</em>
</p>
<p>My blood was boiling.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuckers.</em>
</p>
<p>I gritted my teeth and looked forward, not wanting them to notice that I had glanced over. At least I was angry instead of anxious. That had to be a good sign, like Maddie had told me previously.</p>
<p>The judge came in a few minutes later. We all rose. The attorneys both spoke, giving their opening arguments, then the DA called his first witness.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witness 1: Stevie Martin</span>
</p>
<p>"Please raise your right hand and respond to me," the judge said to Stevie. She turned to him and raised her hand.</p>
<p>"Do you solemnly, sincerely, and truly declare and affirm that the evidence you shall give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Please be seated."</p>
<p>Stevie sat down, and the DA walked to the podium. He first asked Stevie about her background and credentials before the questions became more relevant to my case. "You were the detective that responded to the call the night of March 14, 2020 at approximately 6:15 p.m. when it is believed that Ms. Swan was assaulted by Mr. Newton, correct?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Please tell me what happened when you arrived."</p>
<p>"I was the second officer that arrived on scene at Chief Swan's residence. When I walked inside, Mr. Newton was already detained in handcuffs. Chief Swan informed me that he called for more back-up, so I knew more patrol officers were on their way. Chief Swan appeared worried about his daughter who was sitting on the stairs of their house."</p>
<p>"How did Ms. Swan appear when you saw her on the stairs?"</p>
<p>"She was not very responsive or coherent. She was staring at the floor in front of her, and her eyes kept drooping closed, almost as if she was sleepy, but she was still awake. Her hair was a tangled mess, her pants were unzipped and still pulled slightly down, and her shirt was in disarray. Her face was red. Her wrists were red, and her left hip was red also. She had tear streaks on her face."</p>
<p>I heard my dad take in a sharp breath next to me. I turned to look at him. He stared straight forward like a statue. I swallowed and took a deep breath.</p>
<p>"What did the red marks on her body look like?"</p>
<p>"On her wrists and hip, it looked like someone was holding her too tightly. On her face, it looked like someone had roughly pressed into her."</p>
<p>"What happened after you saw her?"</p>
<p>"I walked over to her and told her she was safe. She wouldn't make eye contact with me or acknowledge that I was there. I helped her get up the stairs and into her room. She kept mumbling, 'new clothes,' so I assisted her in finding different clothes. I left the room for her to change. When I came back in, she was sitting on her bed. I sat next to her and tried to ask her about what happened."</p>
<p>"What did you ask, and what did she say?"</p>
<p>"I started with basic questions. I asked her if she knew her name, her address, and where she went to school. She was responsive to answering, so I moved into asking her how she knew Mr. Newton. She said they had been dating for about six months but broke up almost two weeks before that night. When I asked her why they broke up, Ms. Swan said it was because she told him she did not want to have sex with him. Ms. Swan stated that made Mr. Newton upset, which led to him breaking off the relationship."</p>
<p>"Was there any other information that Ms. Swan disclosed to you?"</p>
<p>"I tried asking Ms. Swan questions about that evening, but she was unable to answer."</p>
<p>"Why couldn't she answer?"</p>
<p>"When I asked, she would close her eyes or stare down at her bedding, completely checked-out and far away. She would just start crying and say, 'I'm not safe,' or 'I want to sleep.' So, I left so she could rest after reassuring her that she was no longer in danger. I was planning to check back in with her in a couple of days to get more information, but that is when she was in the mental health hospital."</p>
<p>"Thank you, Ms. Martin. No further questions at this time, Your Honor." The DA said before coming to sit back down next to Charlie. I unclenched my fists and stretched my fingers out. I reminded myself to take a deep breath as Mike's defense attorney walked up to the podium.</p>
<p>"Ms. Martin, you said Bella was 'checked out.' Can you explain that further?" Mike's attorney asked.</p>
<p>"She appeared dazed, as if she as not fully present with me. Her eyes would slowly blink then close, or she would stare at one fixed spot for a long period of time."</p>
<p>"Could it be that Ms. Swan's impaired judgment caused her to recall events from that night differently? That maybe the interaction between Ms. Swan and Mr. Newton was consensual and Ms. Swan was just worried about her father coming home and finding her in the act?"</p>
<p>I wanted to stand up and scream. The fire was back full force as I took in a deep breath. I think Charlie noticed because he put his hand on my shoulder to steady me.</p>
<p>"Objection, Your Honor, compound question." The DA spoke up.</p>
<p>"Sustained." The judge answered. "Please rephrase, counselor."</p>
<p>Mike's attorney huffed. "Okay. Is it possible that the interaction between Ms. Swan and Mr. Newton was consensual, and Ms. Swan was just worried about her father coming home and finding her in the act?"</p>
<p>"No." Stevie responded.</p>
<p>"Why not?</p>
<p>"I work with a lot of women who have been assaulted. Ms. Swan would not have been acting so afraid if she had been engaging in consensual sexual intercourse."</p>
<p>"Hmm, 'acting,' you say? Is it possible that Ms. Swan was 'acting checked-out,' to avoid the consequences of her father finding her having consensual sex with her boyfriend?"</p>
<p>"Bella was not 'acting'; she was truly traumatized, and her nervous system was responding as such." Stevie responded.</p>
<p>Mike's attorney cleared her throat. "You said that when you saw Bella sitting on the stairs, her pants were slightly down and unzipped and her shirt was in disarray. What, exactly, was she wearing?"</p>
<p>"I'm not sure why that's relevant." Stevie's eyes narrowed.</p>
<p>"Answer the question, Ms. Martin." The judge chimed in.</p>
<p>Stevie took a deep breath. "Ms. Swan was wearing regular jeans and a green blouse." I remembered those clothes now. I bet they were still sitting under my bed.</p>
<p>"Was her clothing fitted in a way that it displayed her frame or figure?"</p>
<p>Stevie rolled her eyes. "I guess you could say that, sure."</p>
<p>"Hmm, could it be that Ms. Swan knew that Mr. Newton was coming over and wore something to incite, or seduce, him? Isn't that an interesting thought?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Leading the witness, Your Honor!" The DA said loudly.</p>
<p>"Overruled." The judge answered. "Please answer the question, Ms. Martin." How the hell did the judge side with Mike's attorney for that question!?</p>
<p>"It's very interesting that Mr. Newton tried to assault Ms. Swan when she was wearing normal clothing, yes. But Ms. Swan would not have been traumatized if she were trying to seduce him, so that was clearly not her intension." Stevie answered strategically. I felt myself relax slightly.</p>
<p>"It seems as though you are a little rattled by this case, Ms. Martin… Could that be because you've had a similar experience to Ms. Swan?"</p>
<p>"I'm not sure what you're asking." Stevie responded. How did his attorney know about Stevie's past? I didn't want her experience to be brought up now, too. That was her story to tell, no one else's.</p>
<p>"You left the police academy in Seattle after filing a complaint about sexual assault and harassment, yes?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Relevance?" The DA asked.</p>
<p>"Overruled." The judge answered.</p>
<p>"Please answer, Ms. Martin." Mike's attorney said.</p>
<p>"Yes." Stevie replied.</p>
<p>"So, could it be that this situation with Ms. Swan is too close to home?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"It seems to me that you could be biased, Ms. Martin. One of your instructors sexually assaults and harasses you, and now you are trying to defend Ms. Swan who also <em>claims</em> to have been assaulted. Maybe you are too partial to Ms. Swan that you lacked objectivity in really examining the evidence?"</p>
<p>Stevie didn't respond.</p>
<p>"You silence speaks volumes, Ms. Martin."</p>
<p>"I was quiet because I didn't hear you ask me a question; you just made very outlandish assumptions that aren't true."</p>
<p>Mike's attorney smiled heinously. "No further questions, Your Honor."</p>
<p>"DA Peterson?" The judge asked.</p>
<p>The DA stood up. "No further questions, Your Honor."</p>
<p>The judge addressed Stevie. "You may leave Ms. Martin." Stevie stood up and strode down toward the doors of the courtroom. She gave me a small nod before leaving, her face still stoic.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witness 2: Charlie Swan</span>
</p>
<p>The DA called my dad to the stand after Stevie left the room. I just realized that Charlie never moved his hand from my shoulder earlier when I had been a little rattled by Mike's attorney. He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze then stood up and walked to the witness stand. The judge initiated the same oath before he sat down.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. I felt vulnerable sitting alone now. At least before, Charlie had been blocking the Newton's from my view.</p>
<p>The DA asked Charlie the same identifying information as he had with Stevie before asking specific questions about the case.</p>
<p>"Chief Swan, please tell me what happened when you arrived home on March 14, 2020 at approximately 6:00 p.m."</p>
<p>I saw my dad take a deep breath. I could tell he was incredibly uncomfortable, but I think only I could notice that. He composed himself well. "When I got home, I came in through the backdoor. It was strange to me because Bella was usually making dinner around that time, and she wasn't in the kitchen. As I turned the corner into the living room to go upstairs to change, that's when I saw," he looked down and cleared his throat before looking back up. "That's when I saw Mr. Newton restraining Bella against the wall near the stairs."</p>
<p>"I know this is difficult, Chief Swan, but can you please be more specific about how Mr. Newton was restraining your daughter and what exactly you saw him doing?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath in unison with Charlie. I gripped the side of the table in front of me and told myself to keep it together.</p>
<p>"Mr. Newton was using his strength to keep Bella against the wall… He was holding Bella's wrists in one of his hands above her head, pressing them into the wall… Bella's jeans and underwear were down by her ankles. Mr. Newton's pants were off, but his underwear was still on… Bella's shirt was pushed up, exposing her chest. He was gripping Bella's left hip tightly and pressing one of his legs against both of hers to keep her still. He was forcefully kissing her."</p>
<p><em>I'm safe. Deep breath. I'm safe. Deep breath. I'm safe. Deep breath.</em> I said my mantra.</p>
<p>"Did you see your daughter struggle against Mr. Newton or make any attempts to get away from him?"</p>
<p>"She did at first, but then she… seemed to go limp, like she wasn't going to fight anymore."</p>
<p>"How did she show that she was trying to get away from him?"</p>
<p>Charlie was quiet again as he looked down for a few seconds before answering. "She was moving her head from side to side, trying to avoid him kissing her. She was also moving her arms and legs, trying to free herself."</p>
<p>"Then you said she went limp? Can you explain that more?"</p>
<p>"Her body just stopped moving and jerking against his restraint. Like she was giving up the fight."</p>
<p>"What happened next?"</p>
<p>"I yelled at Mr. Newton and told him to move away from Bella with his hands up. He turned and looked at me, somewhat taken aback, I think, but he didn't let go of Bella. So, I reached for my taser and gave him a verbal warning that I would tase him if he did not let her go. He didn't release her, so I tased him then helped Bella sit down on the stairs while I detained Mr. Newton in handcuffs and called for back-up… Bella slumped against the wall and the stairs. I thought she was seriously hurt at first, but she finally sat up and pulled her pants partially up. Then she just stared at the wall in front of her, kind of half asleep."</p>
<p>I didn't realize I was crying until I noticed that my vision was blurry. I reached for a tissue in front of me and wiped my eyes quickly.</p>
<p>"Do you feel you were justified in tasing Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"Yes, absolutely. He did not back away from my daughter like I instructed. I gave him a warning first that he did not listen to."</p>
<p>"What happened once back-up arrived?"</p>
<p>"Officer Patton and Officer Griffin arrived soon after Detective Martin. Once they arrived, I allowed them to take over since it was a conflict of interest with me being Bella's father. Detective Martin took Bella upstairs as she said in her testimony."</p>
<p>"What happened after Officer Patton and Officer Griffin arrested Mr. Newton and after Detective Martin left?"</p>
<p>"Bella slept. I kept checking on her, but she never got out of bed. Even the next day, she never moved. I kept checking on her and debated on taking her to the hospital. She finally got up the next evening, so about 24 hours later. It sounded like she was taking a shower in the bathroom. Once she was out of the bathroom, I went into her room to check on her, maybe half an hour later, and she…" His voice cracked. I wiped more tears from my eyes.</p>
<p>He took another deep breath. "And she was unconscious on the floor. I called 911. They took her to the E.R., said she overdosed on a lot of different over-the-counter medications. They treated her then transferred her to the mental health hospital for further evaluation since they suspected it was a suicide attempt… She was at the mental health hospital for two weeks before coming home."</p>
<p>"The suicide attempt was in response to Mr. Newton physically harming, imprisoning, and sexually assaulting your daughter?"</p>
<p>"Objection, Your Honor! Leading question." Mike's attorney spoke up.</p>
<p>"Overruled. You may answer, Chief Swan." The judge said.</p>
<p>"Yes." Charlie replied.</p>
<p>"Did your daughter ever have problems with her mental health before the incident?" The DA asked.</p>
<p>"No, never."</p>
<p>"Thank you, Chief Swan. No further questions right now, Your Honor." The DA said before coming to sit back down near me. I wiped my eyes again with the tissue.</p>
<p>Mike's attorney stepped up to the podium. "Mr. Swan, how long has your daughter lived with you?"</p>
<p>"Almost a year now."</p>
<p>"Would you say that you know your daughter well? I mean, if she's only lived with you for almost a year, that's not much time to get to know someone."</p>
<p>"Yes, I know her well."</p>
<p>"What do you both do together?"</p>
<p>"Objection, Judge. Relevance?" The DA said.</p>
<p>"I have a point, Your Honor." Mike's attorney chimed in.</p>
<p>"Make it quickly, counselor. Objection overruled. Please answer, Chief Swan."</p>
<p>"We don't have a lot of common interests." My dad answered.</p>
<p>"So, is it safe to infer that you engage in your own activities and she in hers?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"So, it would also be safe to conclude that you don't know your daughter as well as you think you do, and seeing that the two of you don't spend much time together… Have you ever thought that Ms. Swan's suicide attempt could have been related to you being a hands-off parent?"</p>
<p>"No!" I said loudly, unable to control myself.</p>
<p>"Bella," the DA said, placing a hand on the table in front of me. He leaned in closer then whispered, "I know this is hard, but you have to stay quiet until it's your turn to testify." I nodded, not saying anything else.</p>
<p>"Sorry, Your Honor," the DA said.</p>
<p>"Answer the question, please, Chief Swan." The judge instructed.</p>
<p>"No," my dad answered.</p>
<p>"I'm still wondering about you not knowing your daughter very well, Mr. Swan. Do you think you could have misread your daughter's reactions to Mr. Newton? Maybe she wasn't fighting him, she was actually enjoying the interaction? And if you don't know your daughter very well, I think we can also infer that you tasing Mr. Newton was uncalled for, especially if Bella was enjoying the experience?"</p>
<p>"Objection, Your Honor! Compound questions, come on!" The DA yelled.</p>
<p>"Sustained. Rephrase counselor."</p>
<p>"Very well," Mike's attorney answered. "Do you think you could have misread your daughter's reactions to Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Why?"</p>
<p>"She was clearly fighting him off… It was not consensual."</p>
<p>"But you said she stopped fighting at one point. Maybe Ms. Swan and Mr. Newton were, I don't know, role playing or engaging in a rough-type of sex. That is not uncommon. And you, being her father… Well, could you have been overreacting?"</p>
<p>I gripped the table to stop myself from yelling again. "No." Charlie answered.</p>
<p>"Why not?"</p>
<p>"She was fighting him off, like I said earlier."</p>
<p>"But you aren't familiar with what your daughter likes sexually, are you, Mr. Swan?"</p>
<p>"Objection, Judge! Relevance?"</p>
<p>"Overruled. Please answer, Chief Swan."</p>
<p>Charlie's face was bright red and so was mine. I gripped the table harder with one hand and dug my nails into my arm with the other.</p>
<p>"No." Charlie answered.</p>
<p>"So, Ms. Swan could like role playing or other types of rough sexual interactions? Like I said earlier, that's not uncommon."</p>
<p>"No." Charlie answered through gritted teeth.</p>
<p>"But you don't know what your daughter likes sexually, so how do you know the answer is 'no'?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Asked and answered, Judge." The DA yelled.</p>
<p>"Sustained," the judge answered.</p>
<p>Mike's attorney cleared her throat. "How do you know about Ms. Swan's mental health history if she hasn't even lived with you for a year?"</p>
<p>"I have a good relationship with Bella's mother. She would tell me if something was going on with Bella when she was in her care."</p>
<p>"Having divorced parents is often a precursor to mental health problems in children. Did you know that, Mr. Swan?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Maybe we need to evaluate your parenting and Bella's history further before we conclude that Bella's suicide attempt was caused by Mr. Newton?" She raised her voice at the end, indicating a question.</p>
<p>"Objection, leading the witness!" The DA yelled.</p>
<p>"Sustained."</p>
<p>"That's okay. No further questions, Your Honor." Mike's attorney said before going back to her chair.</p>
<p>"DA Peterson?" The judge asked.</p>
<p>The DA stood up. "No further questions, Your Honor."</p>
<p>"You may go back to your seat next to your daughter, Chief Swan." The judge said.</p>
<p>My dad got up from the witness stand and walked back over to his seat next to me as I wiped the rest of my tears. I wasn't sure what was or wasn't allowed in a court room, but I pulled my dad into a quick, tight hug as soon as he sat down. None of this was his fault. Mike's attorney was a monster.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witnesses 3 &amp; 4: John Patton and Mark Griffin</span>
</p>
<p>The testimonies for both patrol officers were fairly quick; neither one divulged any new information that Stevie or my dad hadn't already disclosed. Their statements merely confirmed what had already been said. I was able to regain a little more composure and calm my nerves during their time on the stand.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Recess</span>
</p>
<p>Once Officer Griffin finished his testimony after Officer Patton, the judge called for an hour recess for lunch. I told Charlie that I would meet him outside in case he was going to talk to the DA or anyone else. I had to get out of the room quickly, not wanting to run into Mike, his family, or his attorney. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about his attorney. She was a woman, too, how could she be on Mike's side!? I knew this was her job, but still.</p>
<p>Once I was walking through the front doors of the courthouse, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me from everything that was said this morning. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, willing my stomach to stay settled. I still had to testify after lunch.</p>
<p>I kept walking into the parking lot, trying to take deep breaths. I saw Jacob standing next to Charlie's car, so I walked swiftly and wrapped my arms around his back as soon as I was close enough. I buried my face in his chest. I was crying again, but I instantly felt so much safer.</p>
<p>"Shh, Bella. It's okay." Jacob said as he held me firmly against him and ran his hand up and down my back.</p>
<p>"It's awful, Jake… His attorney is really spinning things to make it seem like I <em>wanted</em> Mike to assault me."</p>
<p>His arms tightened around me. "Geez, I'm sorry, Bella. I wish you didn't have to go through this."</p>
<p>"And I haven't even testified yet! I have to after lunch." I mumbled into his chest.</p>
<p>He sighed and kissed my head, keeping his lips buried in my hair. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled.</p>
<p>I sniffed then pulled away and wiped my eyes before Charlie walked out and saw us.</p>
<p>"Is that <em>him</em> over there?" Jake discreetly nodded his head to the left.</p>
<p>I glanced over swiftly. Mike was climbing into the backseat of a car with his parents and attorney. "Yes."</p>
<p>"Yeah, he looks like a fucking prick," Jacob scoffed. "If we weren't in front of a courthouse with a ton of police around, I would kick his ass for you if that makes you feel any better?"</p>
<p>I sighed and smiled a tiny bit. "Yeah, thanks."</p>
<p>"Quil's in the car if you want to say hi. I told him to wait there for a second so I could talk to you."</p>
<p>I followed Jacob back to his car and talked to Quil for a few minutes before my dad came outside. Once Charlie climbed into his car, I told Jacob and Quil bye before getting in with him. We sat quietly.</p>
<p>"Dad," I said, breaking the silence. "I'm so sorry. All of this is my –"</p>
<p>"Bella," my dad said sternly as he turned to look at me. "I know you don't always listen to me. But you <em>are</em> going to listen to me right <em>now</em>," Charlie had never sounded this serious before. "<em>None</em> of this is your fault, do you understand me?"</p>
<p>I nodded as more tears ran down my cheeks again. "Yes," I croaked.</p>
<p>My dad sighed before starting his patrol car and driving out of the parking lot.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>mad woman" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>Every time you call me crazy<br/></em><em>I get more crazy<br/></em><em>What about that?<br/></em><em>And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry</em></p>
<p>
  <em>And there's nothing like a mad woman<br/></em>
  <em>What a shame she went mad<br/></em>
  <em>No one likes a mad woman<br/></em>
  <em>You made her like that<br/></em>
  <em>And you'll poke that bear till her claws come out<br/></em>
  <em>And you find something to wrap your noose around<br/></em>
  <em>And there's nothing like a mad woman</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>After the short break for lunch, Charlie and I made our way back into the courthouse. I went to the restroom, still feeling upset to my stomach at the thought of having to testify next. I splashed my face with some cool water and gently patted it dry. I straightened my blouse as I looked at myself in the mirror: <em>you can do this; you can do hard things</em>.</p>
<p>I took another deep breath then made my way back into the courtroom to sit next to Charlie.</p>
<p>We all rose as the judge walked in, and we started right where we left off. The DA stood up and called me to the stand.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witness 5: Me</span>
</p>
<p>I tried to remember Stevie's stoic, don't-fuck-with-me vibe. I wanted to channel that type of energy, even though I think I was shaking with nerves, as I stood up and walked to the witness stand. I stood behind the chair and turned to the judge.</p>
<p>"Please raise your right hand and respond to me," the judge said. I raised my right hand. "Do you solemnly, sincerely, and truly declare and affirm that the evidence you shall give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Please be seated, Ms. Swan." I sat down and took a deep breath as the DA situated himself behind the podium. He asked me to say and spell my name, which I did.</p>
<p>"Let's start with some background information on your relationship with Mr. Newton. Can you tell us how you know him?"</p>
<p>"I moved to Forks about a year ago and met him at school. We became friends since we had a lot of the same classes. He asked me out and we dated for about six months."</p>
<p>"Why did you decide to date Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>It was hard for me to think about the old Mike… The one that I actually <em>did</em> like at one point in the past. "I thought he was friendly and outgoing… He was easy to get along with and talk to."</p>
<p>"What would you and Mr. Newton do together when you were dating?"</p>
<p>"Normal couple things, I guess. We would go on dates to the movies, go out for dinner, go to the beach, things like that."</p>
<p>"What was your physical relationship like with Mr. Newton when the two of you were dating?"</p>
<p>"Um," I said nervously. "We would hold hands, hug, and kiss."</p>
<p>"Anything else?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Did Mr. Newton ever say he wanted more in your physical relationship?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"What did he say?"</p>
<p>I look a deep breath. "While we were still dating, Mike said he wanted us to have sex. I told him I wasn't ready to take that step. He broke up with me over it."</p>
<p>"So, you and Mike had broken up before he came to your house on March 14, 2020?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"How long were you broken up before that day?"</p>
<p>"About two weeks."</p>
<p>"I know this may be hard for you, Ms. Swan, but I need you to tell me what you remember happening the evening of March 14, 2020."</p>
<p>I looked down and took a deep breath. When I glanced back up, I made the mistake of locking eyes with Mike. His face was completely neutral, almost bored. How could he sit there and not feel ashamed for his actions? He couldn't show any type of remorse at all for the pain he's caused me?</p>
<p>"Mike came over to my house uninvited. I was working on homework when he rang the doorbell. I answered the door and it was him. He came inside and said he wanted us to get back together. I told him I did not want to… The next thing I knew… Mike was kissing me and holding me tightly. I pushed him away and told him again that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He… got angry, grabbed my wrists, and started pushing me back into a corner near the stairs in my house."</p>
<p>"What happened next?"</p>
<p>"Um…" I swallowed and closed my eyes for a second. "He… blocked me in the corner. He held my wrists in one hand and gripped my hip with his other hand. I tried to get away from him, but I… I couldn't." I felt the tears fill my eyes at the memories. I blinked a few times, trying to make them go away.</p>
<p>"How did you try to get away from him, Ms. Swan?"</p>
<p>I swallowed. "I… I tried to get my wrists free, but I couldn't. I tried to kick him, but his legs were pinning mine against the wall."</p>
<p>"Do you remember anything that happened next?"</p>
<p>"I remember him, um…" I reached up and wiped the tears that were spilling over. "Pushing my shirt up and… touching me over my bra… And pushing my pants and underwear down. I don't remember anything else after that until Detective Martin helped me up the stairs."</p>
<p>"What do you remember after Detective Martin helped you up the stairs?"</p>
<p>"I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the mental health hospital four days afterwards."</p>
<p>"Why did you have to go to the mental health hospital?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. "I tried to kill myself by taking a lot of different pills."</p>
<p>"Have you ever felt suicidal, depressed, or anything similar before that incident?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"How long were you in the mental health hospital?"</p>
<p>"Two weeks."</p>
<p>"How did you feel when Mr. Newton had you pinned in that corner as he forced himself on you?"</p>
<p>"Terrified."</p>
<p>"No further questions, Your Honor." The DA said before going to sit down next to Charlie.</p>
<p>Mike's attorney stood up from her chair and made her way to the same spot the DA was just standing in. She set her legal pad down and looked up at me.</p>
<p>"Ms. Swan, did you love Mr. Newton when you two were dating?"</p>
<p>I had to think about that one for a second. I remembered telling Maddie, when I was in the hospital, that I thought I loved Mike. <em>But did I?</em> When I asked myself this question now, the first person that popped up in my mind was Jacob… Jacob was love. I just never thought about it that way, but now that I had, I knew it was true. If Jacob was love, then I definitely never loved Mike.</p>
<p>"No," I answered confidently.</p>
<p>"Didn't you tell Mr. Newton that you loved him when you were dating?"</p>
<p>I sighed. "Yes."</p>
<p>"So, you <em>did</em> love him?"</p>
<p>"No… I thought I loved him but realized that wasn't love. Someone you're in love with would never assault you the way Mike assaulted me." After I said the words, I let my gaze travel back to Mike as I slightly narrowed my eyes at him. That felt good.</p>
<p>"Me. Swan, you said that you decided to date Mr. Newton because he was friendly and easygoing. Before your breakup, what was it like to date Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"It was fine." I said, trying to mimic Mike's neutral, bored expression.</p>
<p>"You must have enjoyed the relationship if you stayed with him for six months, right?"</p>
<p>"I guess."</p>
<p>"You don't just stay in a relationship with someone for no reason, Ms. Swan. You must have liked Mr. Newton, right?"</p>
<p>"At the time, yes."</p>
<p>"How often did you and Mr. Newton engage in the physical part of your relationship – the hand holding, hugging, and kissing?"</p>
<p>"I don't know. Frequently."</p>
<p>"But there were never any times when it was more than those three things?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Would the two of your make out?"</p>
<p>I blushed. "Yes."</p>
<p>"How often?"</p>
<p>"I don't know… Occasionally."</p>
<p>"Would Mr. Newton ever try to take things further?"</p>
<p>"Yes," I responded.</p>
<p>"How so?"</p>
<p>"He would move his hand up my thigh or toward my chest. He would move my hands, so I was touching him where he wanted me to... I would always stop when he did things like that. He also told me that he wanted us to have sex, but I told him I wasn't ready."</p>
<p>"So, you would just lead Mr. Newton on?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Leading the witness and argumentative." The DA yelled.</p>
<p>"Overruled," the judge said. "Please answer, Ms. Swan."</p>
<p>"Um, no." I said.</p>
<p>"But you just said that you would make out with Mr. Newton to the point where he thought things could go further, then you would stop him. Isn't that what you said?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"How is that <em>not</em> leading him on?"</p>
<p>"Women always have the right to say no if they're uncomfortable with something, and I was uncomfortable." I said sternly.</p>
<p>"Even if that's hurting their partner?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Seems selfish to me. Shouldn't you want to please your partner in a relationship?"</p>
<p>"Objection, argumentative!" The DA yelled.</p>
<p>"Overruled. Please answer, Ms. Swan." The judge said to me.</p>
<p>"Not when your partner is forcing you to do something you don't want to do."</p>
<p>Mike's attorney cleared her throat. "Did you enjoy making out with Mr. Newton when you were dating?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and sighed. "At the time, yes."</p>
<p>"And, when you were dating, Mr. Newton always stopped if you spoke up about feeling like he was going too far when the two of you would make out?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Did you ever tell Mr. Newton to stop when he was kissing you on the evening of March 14, 2020?"</p>
<p>"No, but I –"</p>
<p>Mike's attorney cut me off. "Did you scream?"</p>
<p>I tried to explain. "No, but I –"</p>
<p>She cut me off again. "Did Mike actually rape you, Ms. Swan?"</p>
<p>"He tried to."</p>
<p>"But did he?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"It sounds like Mr. Newton was unaware that you were not enjoying the interaction on the evening of March 14, 2020 if you never spoke up to tell him otherwise. Did this so-called incident even impact you, Ms. Swan?"</p>
<p>"Yes." I said through gritted teeth.</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>"Well, I tried to kill myself over it, so I think that qualifies as 'impacting me.'" I said hastily.</p>
<p>"But you can't remember your motives around that, or even the act of doing it at all, right?"</p>
<p>I sighed. "Right."</p>
<p>"And you are in a new relationship with someone else currently, aren't you, Ms. Swan?" Was she talking about Jacob? How did she know about him?</p>
<p>"Objection! Relevance?" The DA spoke up.</p>
<p>"Overruled," the judge said. "You may answer, Ms. Swan."</p>
<p>That's when I realized that my interaction with Jacob in the parking lot at the beginning of lunch was contributing to this question. I felt stupid for not even considering how that could be used against me. "Um," I swallowed. "Yes."</p>
<p>"So, this so-called incident with Mr. Newton hasn't even affected your future relationships thus far, correct?"</p>
<p>I closed my eyes. "Correct."</p>
<p>"No further questions, Your Honor." Mike's attorney said before going to sit down.</p>
<p>"DA Peterson?" The judge asked.</p>
<p>The DA stood up. "No further questions, Your Honor."</p>
<p>"You may go back to your seat next to your father, Ms. Swan." The judge said.</p>
<p>I stood up quickly and scrambled back to my comfortable seat next to my dad. He put his arm around my shoulders as soon as I sat down.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witness 6: Maddie Winters</span>
</p>
<p>The DA called Maddie to the stand next. The same process occurred – she took the oath before being seated. The DA asked Maddie a lot more questions about her background, schooling, and trainings. After those questions, he asked to qualify Maddie as an expert witness, and the judge agreed.</p>
<p>I must have looked confused, so Charlie leaned over and whispered, "That's a good thing because now she can offer her professional opinion." I nodded in understanding.</p>
<p>"Please tell us about your work thus far with Ms. Swan." The DA said.</p>
<p>"I have been Ms. Swan's individual therapist since she was admitted to the mental health hospital. After she was released, we've continued having weekly sessions that are still occurring now."</p>
<p>"What has your treatment focused on?"</p>
<p>"Stabilization to ensure Ms. Swan is free of suicidal thoughts and processing trauma related to the sexual assault that occurred from Mr. Newton."</p>
<p>"What was Ms. Swan like when she first came to the hospital?"</p>
<p>"First, she had to undergo medical treatment due to the pills she took from the suicide attempt. I am not familiar with that medical process. Once she was cleared by doctors, which took three days, my treatment with her started. Ms. Swan was very dissociative at first. By the fourth day, some of her memories started to resurface, and she made a couple of friends."</p>
<p>"Can you please explain what it means to be 'dissociative'?"</p>
<p>"When we perceive a threat in our environment, our body automatically goes into fight or flight mode. This means that our body releases stress chemicals to make us equipped to fight off the threat or run quickly way from the threat. When our brains believe that we are not able to fight or flee, a freeze response is initiated by the parasympathetic nervous system. This freeze is our brain's way of shutting down, or being dissociative, to protect us from actually experiencing the pain of the possible threat."</p>
<p>"So, is it accurate to infer that Bella's brain thought Mr. Newton was such a dangerous threat that it actually shut down for almost a week after the assault occurred from Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"Objection!" Mike's attorney yelled. "Leading the witness!"</p>
<p>"Overruled. Please answer, Ms. Winters."</p>
<p>"Yes," Maddie said. "That's an accurate inference."</p>
<p>"Would this dissociation-response also be the reason that Ms. Swan tried to commit suicide after the assault with Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"So, then, it would also be safe to assume that if Mr. Newton caused the dissociation, then he also caused Ms. Swan to attempt suicide?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Leading, Your Honor!" Mike's attorney yelled again.</p>
<p>"Overruled." The judge answered.</p>
<p>"You may answer, Ms. Winters." The DA said.</p>
<p>"Yes, Mr. Newton is the reason that Ms. Swan attempted suicide. There's no other explanation. Ms. Swan has no prior mental health struggles. All her symptoms occurred after Mr. Newton assaulted her."</p>
<p>"When our brains are dissociative, are we able to scream or fight off an attacker?"</p>
<p>"No, those parts of the brain shut down, essentially."</p>
<p>"Would that be why Ms. Swan was unable to scream or tell Mr. Newton to leave her alone when the assault was occurring?"</p>
<p>"Yes, absolutely. The part of our brain that is in-charge of language shuts off when we are highly distressed. If your brain dissociates, you are not able to verbally communicate or fight off an attacker."</p>
<p>"Are you aware that Ms. Swan has a new boyfriend?" Ugh, why was this the topic everyone was focusing on now? I felt myself blush.</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Is it odd for Ms. Swan to have another partner so soon after the assault?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Why not?"</p>
<p>"Just because she was assaulted by one boy does not means she should live in fear about other boys. Ms. Swan has worked a lot on empowerment and learning to take care of herself. There aren't many women I know who haven't been sexually assaulted or harassed in some way, and they are still capable of having healthy relationships with men that are not misogynistic."</p>
<p>"Thank you, Ms. Winters. No further questions." The DA came to sit back down.</p>
<p>Mike's attorney strode up to the podium and set her notes down in front of her. "Ms. Winters," she began. "You said that you did not interact with Ms. Swan until three days after her suicide attempt, correct?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"How can you make inferences about Ms. Swan disassociating during the alleged assault from Mr. Newton if you did not evaluate her yourself until three days later?"</p>
<p>"From the information I received from Mr. Swan, Ms. Martin, and the doctors at the hospital, I was able to determine that's what was occurring for Ms. Swan. Also, another patient in the mental health hospital assaulted Ms. Swan while she was there, and she dissociated right after that incident also. She had the same response as was described by both Mr. Swan and Ms. Martin."</p>
<p>"Ms. Swan was assaulted in the mental health hospital also?" I felt Charlie's hand on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he knew about that happening. I shuddered as I thought about Derek again now.</p>
<p>I saw Maddie sigh. "Yes."</p>
<p>"What is Ms. Swan doing to make herself such a target for these types of attacks? It's quite strange that she would be assaulted twice in less than a week."</p>
<p>I felt my stomach drop. <em>Maybe it was me. Maybe I really was the problem.</em></p>
<p>"It is never a woman's fault for being assaulted by a man. Men need to be taught how to treat women, but, instead, our society focuses more on scaring women and telling them that they always have to watch their backs and be hypervigilant to attackers. Neither assault – from Mr. Newton or the patient in the hospital – is Ms. Swan's fault."</p>
<p>I felt like I was able to take a deep breath after hearing Maddie's words. She was right. This wasn't my fault. <em>I was not the problem.</em></p>
<p>Mike's attorney very briefly glanced to me from the corner of her eye, and I swear I saw her lightly nod, sort of in a reverent way. "No further questions, Your Honor."</p>
<p>I stared, shocked for several seconds. Mike's attorney has been a bulldog against the past witnesses, but she stopped questioning Maddie that quickly – after Maddie said something so impactful that was in my favor? It didn't make sense. As soon as she sat down, I saw Mike's dad lean in and start whispering to her angrily. He looked frustrated.</p>
<p>The DA said he had no further questions, so the judge dismissed Maddie. She gave me a small, reassuring smile as she left the courtroom. After that, our last witness was called to the stand to testify.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Witness 7: Mike Newton</span>
</p>
<p>DA Peterson said he had no other witnesses to call, which meant it was Mike's attorney's turn to call witnesses. She called Mike to the stand next. Mike walked up to the witness stand, took his oath, then sat down. He looked smug, kind of confident. His attorney set her notes down on the podium and asked Mike the same identifying information as the DA had with all the other witnesses before asking specific questions about the case.</p>
<p>"Mr. Newton, please describe your relationship with Ms. Swan."</p>
<p>"When Bella first moved here, we became friends because we had a lot of the same classes. We eventually started dating."</p>
<p>"Why did you decide to date Ms. Swan?"</p>
<p>"She was smart, shy, and easygoing. I liked those things about her."</p>
<p>"But you eventually broke up?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Why did you two break up?"</p>
<p>"I broke up with her because she didn't seem happy with me anymore. She seemed kind of depressed, actually. I thought it was because of me, so I broke up with her so she could be happy."</p>
<p>I sucked in a sharp breath and felt Charlie put a hand on my shoulder again to steady me. It was a good thing he did because I almost yelled out again.</p>
<p>"How was sex a factor in the breakup?" His attorney asked.</p>
<p>"It wasn't." <em>Liar</em>, I thought, as he responded.</p>
<p>"Tell me about your physical relationship with Ms. Swan when the two of you were dating."</p>
<p>"We would hug, hold hands, and kiss. That was it."</p>
<p>"Did you want more than that?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"What did you want?"</p>
<p>He chuckled lightly. "Well, I wanted us to have sex, sure, but it wasn't anything I ever actively pursued."</p>
<p>"Did you ever voice that to Ms. Swan while you were dating?"</p>
<p>"No." Another lie.</p>
<p>"Did you ever try to show her that you wanted more by your actions?"</p>
<p>"No." Lie again.</p>
<p>"Tell me what happened on the evening of March 14, 2020."</p>
<p>"I was feeling sad about breaking up with Bella, so I went to her house to try and reconcile our relationship. I missed her. She answered the door to let me in. I told her I wanted to get back together, and she said she wanted to also. We started making out. Bella pulled us toward a wall by her stairs and took off her pants and underwear. I just took my pants off when her dad got there. I think her dad scared her, which made her panic because she was enjoying the moment with me before he got there…"</p>
<p>I think I started shaking. Charlie's grip on my shoulder tightened. I had to continue reminding myself to stay quiet and take deep breaths.</p>
<p>"What happened next?"</p>
<p>"When Charlie got there, it was kind of like Bella fainted, probably because she was freaked out that her dad caught us. Her dad started yelling at me, then he tased me. I don't remember much after that until I was sitting on the floor in handcuffs by their front door."</p>
<p>"So, you didn't force Ms. Swan to kiss you?"</p>
<p>"No, of course not." He said with a serious expression.</p>
<p>"You didn't force Ms. Swan to take off her pants and underwear?"</p>
<p>"No, I didn't."</p>
<p>"You didn't hold Ms. Swan against her will?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Did Ms. Swan ever verbally tell you that she wanted the interaction to stop?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Did Ms. Swan give you any cues with her body language that she wanted the interaction to stop?"</p>
<p>"No. I thought she was enjoying herself."</p>
<p>"Did you love Ms. Swan when the two of you were dating?"</p>
<p>Mike sighed. "Yes, I did. Very much. I would have never hurt her intentionally."</p>
<p>"What do you think about Ms. Swan's suicide attempt and time spend in the mental health hospital?"</p>
<p>"It doesn't surprise me, honestly. Like I said earlier, I thought Bella was kind of depressed because she wasn't acting like her normal, happy self. That's why I broke up with her; I thought she would be happier without me."</p>
<p>"No further questions, Your Honor." Mike's attorney said before returning to her chair.</p>
<p>The DA stood up and walked over to the podium. "Mr. Newton, please describe your physical interaction with Ms. Swan on March 14, 2020 in more detail."</p>
<p>"How so?" Mike asked.</p>
<p>"Describe how you were touching her and how she was touching you."</p>
<p>He cleared his throat. "After we both agreed that we wanted to get back together, Bella stepped toward me and kissed me first. I wrapped my arms around her back, and she held onto my shirt as she pulled us toward the wall near her stairs. My arms stayed around her back and hers were around my neck."</p>
<p>"What did Ms. Swan's face look like when you first got to her house?"</p>
<p>"Uh, normal?" Mike answered, confused.</p>
<p>"Did she have any strange marks or anything on her face?"</p>
<p>"No, not that I remember."</p>
<p>"Did you ever hold Ms. Swan's wrists or hips during that physical interaction with her?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Interesting," The DA mused. "What could have caused Bella to have red marks on her wrists, hip, and face once the physical interaction with you was stopped?"</p>
<p>"I don't know."</p>
<p>"You <em>do</em> know, Mr. Newton. There's no way Bella had those marks before you came over. They happened when you were there. They came from you restraining her against her will, not allowing her to leave. When she tried to get away, you gripped her tighter. Isn't that right, Mr. Newton?"</p>
<p>"Objection, Your Honor! Argumentative and leading!" Mike's attorney shouted.</p>
<p>"Overruled. Please answer, Mr. Newton."</p>
<p>"No," Mike said.</p>
<p>"No? Then please explain how she could have gotten them when you previously said she had no marks on her face and that you were not holding her hip or wrists."</p>
<p>"I don't know!" Mike shrieked in frustration.</p>
<p>"Seems to me that you <em>do</em> know, but you are refusing to admit it… When Chief Swan arrived home, he asked you to let go of Bella and move away from her, but you didn't. Why?"</p>
<p>"I was just surprised that he was there, and it was taking me a second to register what he asked me to do."</p>
<p>"Chief Swan saw you holding Bella's wrists above her head and holding her hip. He saw you use your strength to keep Bella against the wall. But you're saying none of that happened?"</p>
<p>"Objection! Asked and answered." Mike's attorney chimed in.</p>
<p>"Sustained. Move on, counselor."</p>
<p>"No further questions, Your Honor." The DA said before coming back to his seat. Mike's attorney said she had no further questions, so Mike was told to return to his chair.</p>
<p>. . . . . . .</p>
<p>
  <span>Verdict</span>
</p>
<p>Both attorneys gave their closing statements, basically just summarizing everything that we've already heard today. It was painful listening to Mike's attorney's recap of the day, but it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard. She basically said that I brought all of this on myself by leading Mike on, and Mike had no idea that I wasn't enjoying our interaction because I never spoke up or screamed to get away from him. She also said that the witnesses on my behalf were biased – Charlie because he is my dad, Stevie because she's triggered by the situation herself, and Maddie because she only hears my side of the story in our therapy sessions. She also recapped on how my memory gaps leave room for error. She said that I could have been struggling with more severe mental illnesses, that were unknown since I have only been living with Charlie for about a year, that caused me to attempt suicide.</p>
<p>"Mr. Newton, please stand," the judge said after the closing arguments.</p>
<p>I looked over at Mike and saw him stand up with his attorney and with his parents. Charlie's hand was still on my shoulder. I felt all my muscles tense as I held my breath unintentionally.</p>
<p>"Mr. Newton, there has been quite a bit of discrepancy between testimonies. Ms. Swan may have been engaging in consensual sexual activity with you at first, but she, clearly, sustained physical and mental injuries from your interaction. Ms. Swan had visible red marks around her wrists, on her hip, and on her face. Less than 24 hours after the battery and false imprisonment, Ms. Swan was admitted to a mental health hospital for attempted suicide that seems to be directly linked to the pain in which you caused her. Mr. Newton, I find you guilt of both battery and false imprisonment." The judge paused to take a deep breath. I was, literally, sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what Mike's punishment would be for his actions now that he was officially found guilty.</p>
<p>The judge continued. "I do not think you understand the seriousness of the harm you have caused to Ms. Swan. However, because this is your first offense, and because you are a minor, it is the disposition of this Court that you be sentenced to complete 50 hours of community service and a sexual assault and harassment seminar to prevent any future discrepancies in this area."</p>
<p>Soon after delivering the verdict, the judge said that court was adjourned before he banged the gavel and stood up to leave.</p>
<p>I waited for more, but more never came.</p>
<p>And that was it.</p>
<p>I sat through this awful court hearing for Mike to get 50 hours of community service and an obligation to complete a generic seminar?</p>
<p>That was all?</p>
<p>
  <em>Really?</em>
</p>
<p>I felt frozen to my chair as Mike and his family shuffled out of the court room.</p>
<p>Mike didn't have to spend any time in the Juvenile Detention Center? He didn't have to get treatment at a residential treatment facility? He didn't have to engage in mental health counseling? He didn't have to get a psychological evaluation? He wasn't going to have this on his record?</p>
<p>This did <em>not</em> feel like a victory.</p>
<p>This felt like a loss. Is this how it was for all women in these situations?</p>
<p>I didn't hear anything else going on around me. I wasn't really aware of anything until Charlie said it was time to go. I stood up and followed him out of the court room.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>A/N: I intentionally made the last two court chapters long and kind of drawn out to show the absurdity of the legal system for sexual assault survivors - all the emotional turmoil that, too often, leads to no profound justice. :(</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>A/N: I know I said chapter eight was my favorite, but I think this one is, too! Enjoy! :)</strong>
</p><hr/><p>"<strong>Young Volcanoes" by Fall Out Boy<br/></strong><em>Tonight, the foxes hunt the hounds<br/>And it's all over now<br/>Before it has begun<br/>We've already won</em></p><p>
  <em>We are wild<br/>We are like young volcanoes<br/>We are wild<br/>Americana, exotica<br/>Do you wanna feel a little beautiful, baby?</em>
</p><p>.~.</p><p>"<strong>I Knew This Would Be Love" by Imaginary Future<br/></strong><em>You and I on the edge of the unknown<br/>Oh, in only a moment's time<br/>I knew my heart was yours and yours was mine</em></p><p>
  <em>And we were right<br/>We stood through it all<br/>Holding tight<br/>Whenever we fall<br/>What we found is second to none<br/>I knew, I knew, I knew this would be love</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p>I woke up to a clanging noise against my wall. I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. I heard it again. And again. I finally sat up, frustrated. Another clatter. I realized it was near my window. I flung my legs over the side of my bed and walked over.</p><p>I pulled the window up and stuck my head outside. I saw Jacob and Quil standing outside Jacob's car. They were both smiling and waving. Jacob held his phone up, pointed to it, then pointed to me. I realized he was trying to be quiet and not wake my dad by yelling up to me.</p><p>I walked quickly over to my nightstand. There was a message from him:</p><p>
  <em>You've been summoned for a mighty quest! Get dressed and meet us outside!</em>
</p><p>I smiled before doing as I was instructed. As silently as I could, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I ran my fingers through my hair to hopefully smooth it out. I pushed my feet into my shoes and grabbed my phone and keys.</p><p>I put my jacket on then quietly walked down the stairs, being careful to avoid the creaky step, and tiptoed out of the house. I closed the front door slowly behind me.</p><p>Almost immediately, Jacob wrapped his arms around me, crushing me against his chest in a tight embrace. I could barely see with how dark it was, but I tilted my head up, stood on my tippy toes, and searched for his lips. He recognized my cue and pressed his lips firmly to mine.</p><p>"Third wheel's still here," Quil whispered-yelled a couple of yards behind Jacob.</p><p>"Shh!" Jacob turned his head slightly to the side. "Just let me kiss my girlfriend for a second, jerk."</p><p>I laughed before Jacob's lips pressed against mine again for a few seconds, making my heart beat unsteadily in my chest. I reached for Jacob's hand and pulled him toward Quil. "Okay, so what exactly is this 'quest'?"</p><p>"Get in the car and we'll tell you." Quil smiled. He pulled the passenger seat forward then climbed into the back. I pushed the front seat back into place then climbed inside. As Jacob got into the driver's seat, I looked around the small car – it was filled to the brim with toilet paper. There were also two grocery bags filled with, what looked like, silly string under my feet on the floorboard.</p><p>"Um, you guys robbed a drugstore?" I asked as I looked around the car.</p><p>Jacob's eyes narrowed slightly as he smirked. "We're getting our own justice."</p><p>"Taking matters into our own hands!" Quil said behind me. He and Jacob were so exuberant for some reason, and I was still trying to fully wake up. I rubbed my eyes and stifled a yawn.</p><p>"Catharsis!" Jacob yelled.</p><p>"Reprimand!"</p><p>"Chastisement!"</p><p>"A scarlet letter 'A' for the entire world to see!" Quil shouted. "Except, the 'A' will stand for 'assaulter' in this instance!"</p><p>They weren't making sense. Maybe I really was half asleep. "I'm still confused."</p><p>Jacob reached for my hand and squeezed it. He grinned at me as he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it quickly. "Just tell us where Mike lives so we can complete our mission!"</p><p>That's when it all clicked – the late hour, the peculiar items in the car, their enthusiasm… I stared at them wide-eyed. "Guys, we <em>cannot</em> TP Mike's house!"</p><p>"Why!?" Jacob and Quil both demanded simultaneously.</p><p>I scrutinized their faces, looking back and forth between them. They were quiet, waiting for me to try and talk them out of their noble mission. I didn't think I would be successful at persuading them. Plus… It <em>would</em> feel really good to see Mike's house covered in toilet paper, his car completely submerged in silly string…</p><p>"Okay, let's do it!" I said excitedly. They both cheered as Jake put his car in reverse and started backing out of my driveway. I instructed him on where to go. Adrenaline started pumping through my veins as Quil leaned forward and turned the music up.</p><p>I laughed as Jacob and Quil started scream-singing the song that Quil had blasting out of the speakers. I had no idea what it was – something about being young and wild which seemed fitting for the occasion.</p><p>When we were close to Mike's house, I turned the music down and shushed them. "It's the house at the end of the street on the right." I pointed.</p><p>"Okay, leave the doors open in case we have to bolt. I'm going to leave the car running." Jacob said as he pulled up to the curb on the side of the house. He turned off his headlights and looked at me. "Ready?"</p><p>I smiled and nodded. I reached down and grabbed the grocery bag. There was window chalk and silly string. I ripped the window chalk package open while Quil and Jacob shoved as much toilet paper as they could into their jackets.</p><p>I grabbed a few cans of silly string and shoved them into my jacket pockets along with the window chalk. I looked at Mike's house; it was completely dark and quiet, as were the rest of the houses in his neighborhood. I glanced at the clock in Jacob's car – it was a little after midnight.</p><p>We all got out of the car. Jacob and Quil started covering everything in the front of the yard with toilet paper – the mailbox, bushes, a small tree. I walked cautiously into the driveway toward Mike's car. I pulled out the window chalk. I drew a big box over the driver's part of the windshield then hurried over to the passenger's side. I drew and arrow pointing to the box then wrote, "I assault women and I like it."</p><p>I looked back at Quil and Jacob. They were busy throwing toilet paper back and forth to each other over a large tree.</p><p>I went over to the passenger windows. On the back window, I painted, "Karma will," and on the front window, "Get you."</p><p>I went the back of the car and wrote, "Honk if you think I'm a misogynistic ass."</p><p>I walked to the driver's side. I kept it simple and put, "Fuck," on the driver's window and, "You" on the back window.</p><p>On the driver's side mirror, I wrote, "Ass," and on the passenger's side mirror I wrote, "Hole."</p><p>I grabbed the pink silly string out of my pocket and emptied two cans to cover his entire car, minus the marvelous artwork on the windows. I wondered if silly string was safe on car paint, but then decided I didn't care. Hopefully it <em>did</em> ruin his precious car paint. Fucking asshole.</p><p>Jacob came up beside me as I finished with the silly string. "Good work, babe," he whispered as he wrapped an arm around my back and kissed my head.</p><p>I smiled before he grabbed my hand and towed me toward the front of the house. He tossed two rolls of toilet paper to me. I started covering the bushes near the front door.</p><p>"Go to the back of the house," Quil whispered to Jacob. "We'll throw the toilet paper back and forth."</p><p>Jacob disappeared as he silently jogged to the backyard. Quil threw the toilet paper over, and I saw it fly back several seconds later. They continued until the entire house was covered. I finished the landscape with the rolls I had.</p><p>Jacob came back to the front yard and went back to his car to grab more silly string. He gave each of us two cans. Jacob and Quil covered the front of the house the best they could – the windows, front door, and lawn chairs.</p><p>I went to the side of the house – to <em>his</em> bedroom window. I had an overpowering urge to heave a large boulder through his window to shatter the glass the way he shattered my life.</p><p>I also wanted to wake him up so I could see his reaction to finding his house and car this way. I craved seeing the indignation in his dark, callous eyes. This minuscule prank was <em>nothing</em> compared to what he'd done to me. However, it was a good catharsis, just as Jacob had shouted in the car earlier.</p><p>I felt Jacob and Quil come up beside me as I kept my gaze forward. "That's his window," I whispered. I felt both of them put a hand on my shoulder.</p><p>I precipitously reached into my pocket and jerked the window chalk free. All contemplation aside, I swiftly scrawled a message on his window. I stepped back when I was done and read the scribbled mess:</p><p>
  <em>I've taken back the parts of me that you stole.</em>
</p><p>Jacob reached into my pocket and grabbed the remaining silly string cans. He tossed a can to Quil, and they sprayed all around the window on the side of the house.</p><p>That's when we saw a light turn on inside.</p><p>"Shit!" Quil whispered loudly.</p><p>"Run!" Jacob murmured before grabbing my hand and hauling me toward his car.</p><p>Quil was the fastest runner since I was so clumsy on my feet. He jumped into the driver's seat and pulled the passenger's seat forward. Jacob hurled himself into the back. While I was waiting for him to get in, I turned around and scrutinized the house quickly, wanting to download the image to my memory.</p><p>That's when I saw Mike open the front door and flip on the porch light. He stepped outside onto the porch. He appeared stupefied, completely stunned. I smiled smugly.</p><p>"Bella, get in!" I heard Quil shout, but I ignored him. Instead, I turned all the way around and faced Mike. I plastered a firm, confident scowl on my face and stood tall, showing him that I was entirely unbothered by him. He could no longer control me. I would <em>never</em> bow down to him again. He did <em>not</em> have any power over me.</p><p>Mike's eyes eventually focused on me several yards away from his front door. He pursed his lips, and his eyes squinted. He shook his head.</p><p>"Bella!" Quil said desperately behind me.</p><p>"Give her a second!" Jacob said back to him harshly.</p><p>"I don't want to get the fucking cops called on us." Quil responded.</p><p>"Well, they already caught us, so whatever happens, happens. Chill." Jacob retorted.</p><p>I didn't move from my stance. I wasn't going to back down. Mike finally looked away from me and turned, going back inside. I saw the light turn off inside and outside. I knew he wasn't going to do anything tonight. He didn't want to involve the police again after just being done with his court case yesterday. His parents might make a police report in the morning, but nothing more was going to happen tonight.</p><p>In the grand scheme of things, this stunt was just a small event… But it felt like an enormous victory; much bigger than anything that happened in that asinine courtroom.</p><p>The ghosts that had been haunting me for months were finally gone; <em>I</em> chased them away. <em>I</em> was stronger now. <em>I</em> was fully empowered, fully capable of taking care of myself.</p><p>I turned around and jumped into the backseat of the car so I could sit next to Jacob. I grinned at them both. I felt completely elated, like a thousand-pound weight had been lifted off my chest.</p><p>"Let's get the fuck out of here! <em>This</em> is finally <em>over</em>!" I yelled, realizing there was more than one meaning surrounding that declaration.</p><p>. . . . . . . .</p><p>As Quil drove away from Mike's house, I calmed his nerves about the police while buckling my seatbelt. What was the worst that could happen, anyway? My dad would come down here? I laughed at the thought. Besides, I knew we were safe for tonight. I would graciously take whatever punishment came tomorrow because what I'd gained tonight was incredibly monumental.</p><p>Quil blared the music again. I turned to look at Jacob. He was staring at me with a small smile on his lips. His eyes were soft and vulnerable. He reached out to hold my hand. He was looking at me deeply, which made me feel a little self-conscious all of a sudden.</p><p>"What?" I asked, feeling a blush creep up onto my cheeks.</p><p>He scooted toward me and held my face with his free hand. He used his thumb to gently brush my cheek back and forth. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, completely content. When I opened my eyes, he was leaning even closer to me.</p><p>Then he whispered, "You are the strongest, best person I have ever met… I love you, Bella."</p><p>I searched his eyes as butterflies filled my stomach. I thought back to when I first knew I loved Jacob… It was in the hospital, the night before Quil left. That's when I realized Jacob possessed all the qualities that I wanted for myself. I remembered thinking that I wanted him to hold my hand the rest of my life because we were like two opposite puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly… I recognized all of this yesterday in court when I realized I never truly loved Mike.</p><p>I reached up to touch his face. "Oh, Jake. I love you, too. So much… I've known that for a long time now."</p><p>He smiled my favorite smile then leaned his head in toward me. I closed the distance quickly and pressed my lips to his. We kissed each other softly and slowly. When Jacob finally pulled away, he kissed my forehead.</p><p>"Sorry, Quil!" I yelled over the music before I reached up to hold Jacob's face with my other hand, too. I firmly pulled him back to me and crushed my lips to his again, this time with more intensity. I needed more of him.</p><p>Quil laughed. "I'm used to it by now, you nauseating little lovebirds."</p><p>I would be lying if I said it didn't feel like fireworks every time I kissed Jacob. And this kiss was no different, except… It felt more urgent, more passionate, like it was building into something else, something more…</p><p>I wasn't aware of anything else around us. I didn't hear the music blaring. I didn't notice the streetlights. I just <em>needed</em> Jacob's lips to stay connected to mine. My arms wrapped around his back the best they could in the backseat of his small car as I tried to pull his body just an inch closer to mine. Jacob's lips parted, and I took the invitation immediately, sliding my tongue into his mouth. That caused more need, more fire, more desperation. I let my hands travel down his back and slip under his jacket and shirt so I could feel the warm, smooth skin of his back with my fingers.</p><p>Jacob wrapped one of his arms around my back while his other hand stayed on my face. Every nerve ending in my body felt like it was on fire. I wanted Jacob to touch every single part of me, especially the place in-between my legs that was aching and pulsing more than it ever had before.</p><p>I pulled away, panting. "Come back to my house with me?" I whispered, knowing that Quil wouldn't be able to hear over the music.</p><p>"Your dad –"</p><p>I cut him off. "We'll be quiet. I just… Don't want to say goodnight to you yet," I felt myself blush even more. "I mean, if you want to."</p><p>Jacob smiled and brushed his thumb along my cheek again. "Of course, I want to," he whispered.</p><p>Without breaking his gaze from mine, he yelled over the music, "Quil, drive back to your aunt's. I'll take Bella home from there."</p><p>Jacob and I kept everything very PG the rest of the car ride to Quil's, even though it felt like an insanely long drive. Jacob's hand was resting just above my knee, and I kept getting distracted by the feel of his warm hand there, anticipating what it might feel like for it to travel a little further up. I rested my arm on his shoulder while I ran my fingers through his smooth, shiny hair. It really should be illegal for him to have such beautiful hair.</p><p>Jacob kept turning and planting random, quick kisses on me while we drove – my hair, my cheek, my forehead, my neck, my lips… He was making it impossible for me to think about anything but him and what might happen in my bedroom when we got home.</p><p>Once we finally got to Quil's, we told him goodnight, and Jacob and I switched into the front seats. Jacob started driving back toward Forks. We were quiet, probably because what we weren't speaking was incredibly loud. The electric pull I felt between us was so strong that I wanted to ask him to speed up and get to my house quicker.</p><p>Jacob drove with one hand and kept his other hand resting in my lap, our fingers intertwined. I pushed up his jacket sleeve and ran my fingers up and down his forearm. We kept peeking over at each other, trying to be sly, but it wasn't working out in our favor. We kept making eye contact with each other which would cause Jacob to smile and quietly chuckle while I turned deeper shades of red and quickly looked away.</p><p>We finally got home. Jacob parked on the side of the house on the street, probably just in case Charlie woke up. I jumped out of the car as soon as Jacob put it into park. I heard him laugh as he got out and clasped his fingers around my outstretched hand. We walked toward the front door that I silently unlocked.</p><p>We tiptoed up the stairs and into my room. I could still hear Charlie's loud, steady snoring. Once we were in my room, I shut the door and turned to look at Jacob. We both took our jackets and shoes off. Jacob tucked his hands into his pockets and pressed his lips together.</p><p>He had the same look in his eyes that he did in the car earlier, but there was something else there, too… Apprehension. Yes, I think he looked nervous. I felt myself smile a little because I had never seen Jacob nervous before. I felt a familiar flip flop in my stomach that usually signaled anxiety, but it felt more like excitement to me now.</p><p>Jacob smiled. We both walked the few steps needed to close the distance between us. I wrapped my arms around his neck, having to come up onto my tip toes. His arms wrapped around my back. We stared at each other for a second before both leaning in for our lips to meet.</p><p>We kissed for a minute or two before I started pulling us toward my bed. We stumbled a little in the darkness, causing us to quietly laugh. I pushed Jacob to sit down on the bed, and I climbed onto his lap, straddling his waist as I pressed by body against his and melted our lips into another kiss.</p><p>"Bella," Jacob said when I moved down to kiss his neck. "Are you… Are you sure you want to do this?"</p><p>I kissed back up his neck and moved away from him slightly to look him in the eyes. "I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything." I whispered, knowing it was the absolute truth.</p><p>Jacob was safe, and I trusted him entirely. I loved him, and I wanted this experience to be with him. Not that you had to love someone to have sex with them, but this moment just felt incredibly… <em>Right</em>.</p><p>He looked into my eyes for a moment then whispered, "Tell me if you change your mind… We'll go slow." I nodded. He held onto my hips and leaned back on my bed, so I was on top of him.</p><p>I continued attacking his neck with kisses and nibbles. I heard Jacob quietly moan which made my arousal intensify even further. I wanted to hear him make that sound again. I sat up, still straddling him, and lifted my shirt up and over my head. I tossed it to the side and attacked his lips again. His hands ran up and down my back, giving me goosebumps.</p><p>I sat back up and shifted so I was lying on my back. I unclasped my bra and tossed the garment on the floor before grabbing a fistful of Jacob's shirt and pulling him toward me. He climbed on top of me, finding my lips again with his own as he supported his weight with one of his arms. He took his lips down to my neck. My breathing became jagged. I tangled my fingers in his hair and touched the muscular arm that was supporting his weight. I marveled at the strong muscles in his arm that held and touched me so gently.</p><p>His hips shifted, and I felt the bulge in his jeans brush against my thigh. I gasped as a quiet moan escaped through my lips. I blushed, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. I didn't know what I was doing, or how this was supposed to go. I didn't want to do something weird or wrong. I just hoped we could inelegantly figure it out together. Or, I guessed our instincts would lead us since that was already happening. But, even with the nerves, I still knew one thing for sure – I did <em>not</em> want Jacob's body to move away from mine.</p><p>As he skillfully kissed my neck, I let my hands travel down his perfectly toned chest and abdomen until I was holding the hem of his shirt in between both of my hands. I wanted to feel his bare torso against mine. I imagined it feeling heavenly, having my breasts press against his warm chest. I started to lift his shirt up, but one of Jacob's hands reached down and rested lightly on my wrist, stopping me.</p><p>I opened my eyes and looked up at him. His expression was more apprehensive, which worried me. "What is it, Jake?" I panted, completely out of breath from whatever spell he masterfully casted on my body. "Do you want to stop?"</p><p>"God, no. I don't want to stop unless you do. But…" He sighed, pausing for a second. "I have a lot of scars, Bella."</p><p>He searched my eyes, almost begging me to understand without him having to explain further. And I did, which made me feel sick. Scars from his dad.</p><p>"Oh, Jake," I said before reaching up to hold his face and pull him down toward me. I kissed his lips, his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, and anywhere else my lips could touch. I wanted him to feel loved. I wanted to take that hurt away from him desperately.</p><p>Once I felt like he was kissed enough for a moment, I locked eyes with him again. "We both have scars… Yours are just visible."</p><p>He smiled my favorite smile before sitting up enough to pull his shirt up and over his head. He leaned down to kiss me fervently, giving me the signal that it was okay for us to continue. I ran my fingers up and down his bare back. And I had been right – it felt heavenly to have his bare chest pressing against my own.</p><p>I kissed all of his scars, and he kissed mine.</p><p>Tangled in my bed sheets, just two broken teenagers gracelessly finding our way through this muddled life; both of us being the missing half the other needed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>"We Never Change" by Coldplay<br/></strong>
  <em>I want to fly<br/>And never come down<br/>And live my life<br/>And have friends around</em>
</p><p><em>We never change, do we?</em><br/>No, no<br/>We never learn, do we?</p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p>As I woke up late the next morning, I felt complete and utter bliss. I don't think I have ever been this happy before. I rolled over, pulling the covers over my head. I didn't want to open my eyes yet. I wanted to stay in the cloud of my perfect little fairytale a while longer.</p><p>I started replaying last night in my head. First, finally feeling like I took my power back from Mike. I didn't care if he told his parents that it was me who semi-vandalized his house. I would gladly take whatever consequences came. I was finally free of him. He was now a small, minuscule piece of my story; he was no longer the main plot.</p><p>But Jacob might be… the main plot, that is. I felt myself smile as my body and mind became giddy just thinking about him. Last night with him was the textbook definition of perfect. He told me he loved me, which I already knew, but hearing him whisper the words to me for the first time just solidified our connection even further. Then, when we came back to my house… I felt myself blush as I thought about the memories…</p><p>
  <em>The way Jacob's warm, naked body felt as it pressed against mine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way his lips felt as they slowly kissed every inch of my body.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way his perfect mouth felt against my sensitive nipples.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way his tongue felt as it finally licked that aching, pulsing place in between my legs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way it felt to have him slowly push inside me, for us to be completely connected.</em>
</p><p><em>The way it sounded when he quietly moaned </em>my<em> name into my ear.</em></p><p>I felt myself get aroused again at the memories and wished that Jacob was still here now for us to repeat the magic of last night. I smiled again as I thought about connecting with him in this new, incredible way. It felt like he completed me, in a way. Like we were magnets that needed each other. It was so cliché, but also so true.</p><p>Then I thought about Jacob's scars. He was right when he said that he had a lot of them. My stomach suddenly felt upset as I thought about how he got those scars. His back and chest were peppered with little circle-shaped marks. I shuddered as I wondered what those could be from. I remembered kissing every single one I saw, hoping that I could permanently erase it and take the pain away. That thought distracted me again…</p><p>
  <em>Kissing all of Jacob's insanely sexy body…</em>
</p><p>When would we be alone again for us to repeat last night's perfection? I hoped it was soon.</p><p>I sighed and finally opened my eyes. I reached for my cellphone on my nightstand. I already had a message from Jacob:</p><p>
  <em>I love you, I love you, I loooove you (I'm picturing myself saying this like Will Ferrell in the movie, Elf, haha)! Last night was insanely perfect – YOU are insanely perfect! :)</em>
</p><p>I grinned as I read the message. I replied quickly before getting up. I took a quick shower and got dressed before going downstairs to find some breakfast. It was Saturday, so my dad was sitting at the table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.</p><p>"Morning, Bell." He said to me as I walked to the cupboard and pulled out a bowl.</p><p>"Morning." I grabbed a spoon and the box of cereal from the top of the fridge. After pouring the cereal and milk, I sat down at the kitchen table across from Charlie.</p><p>"I got an interesting call this morning." Charlie said as he looked up from the newspaper.</p><p>"Oh yeah?" I responded before taking a bite.</p><p>He eyed me suspiciously. "Apparently, someone TP-ed the Newton's house last night. There was also a lot of silly string and some writing on windows. Nothing was damaged, just gonna be a pain for them to clean up."</p><p>"Huh," I said, trying to sound somewhat uninterested as I took another bite of my Cheerios.</p><p>"You know," Charlie continued to look at me skeptically. "If I asked you if you knew anything about what happened at the Newton's last night, I would probably need to take you to the station for you to give a statement."</p><p>I looked up and felt the corners of my mouth very slightly turn up into a smile. "Then don't ask me."</p><p>He gave me the same small smile, cleared his throat, then looked back down at his newspaper. I felt a full smile appear on my lips as I finished my breakfast. Mike must not have said anything to his parents or the police about seeing me last night. Charlie was quiet for the rest of breakfast. He didn't speak again until I got up to rinse out my cereal bowl.</p><p>"Bell, I've been wanting to ask you about something that came up in court a couple days ago." I turned around and waited for him to continue. "Are you dating one of those boys that you've been hanging out with?"</p><p>"Oh. That," I said, feeling my face get hot. "Um, yeah. Jacob."</p><p>"Is he treating you right?"</p><p>"Yes, dad. Don't worry. Jacob is different."</p><p>"Different?" He snorted. "<em>Great</em>." He paused and was quiet for a few seconds before sighing. "I want to do things different this time. I didn't get to know Mike. If I did, maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did."</p><p>His words made me feel a twinge of sadness at the guilt he was carrying. "Dad, Mike's a monster. It would have happened whether you knew him better or not."</p><p>"Maybe. But, regardless, I'd like to get to know Jacob a little more. Maybe you can invite him over for dinner or something soon."</p><p>"Sure, dad. I'm going to go see him and Quil this afternoon, so I'll ask him if he can come to dinner sometime next week."</p><p>"Okay." My dad said with a nod before focusing back on his newspaper and coffee.</p><p>I focused on doing some chores around the house for a couple of hours. My laundry was mountainous. I started sorting out the clothes into different piles. I also stripped my bed. As I was taking a pillowcase off, I remembered the clothes under my bed from the night Mike assaulted me. I had realized in court that they were probably still there.</p><p>I cautiously knelt down and pulled out the jeans, green blouse, and undergarments. I set them on my mattress and stared at them for several seconds. What was I supposed to do with them? Add them to my laundry piles? I shuddered at the thought of wearing them again even though I really felt that the situation was behind me.</p><p>I picked up the clothes, wadded them all into a ball and tucked them under my arm. I grabbed my bed sheets and walked down the stairs. I threw the sheets into the washer before tossing the bundled ball of clothes into the trash can.</p><p>. . . . . . . .</p><p>Later that afternoon, I parked my truck outside Quil's aunt's and walked up to the front door. I knocked and waited for Quil to let me in. No one came to the door after a minute or two, so I knocked again and rang the doorbell.</p><p>After a few more minutes, Quil finally opened the door and stepped to the side for me to come in. I gasped when I saw him. He looked like hell. He had dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes. His hair was disheveled, and he looked like he hadn't showered. He was wearing sweatpants and an old-looking sweatshirt with the hood pulled up over his head. I just saw him last night, and he seemed fine then. What the fuck happened?</p><p>He didn't say anything to me as he walked over to the couch, plopped down, and started playing his paused videogame. I sat down in the armchair to the side of the couch. He never made eye contact with me. "Quil, what's going on? Are you okay?"</p><p>He didn't answer as he stared straight ahead at the T.V., his fingers moving rapidly against the videogame controller. His expression was flat, and his eyes were kind of glossy.</p><p>I didn't want to push him to talk if he didn't want to, but I also wanted to understand what was going on so I could try to help him. I looked around the small house. I didn't see anything out of place. Quil's aunt must have been at work because the house was quiet. I wondered where his mom was.</p><p>"Where's Heather?" I asked, trying to engage him in conversation again.</p><p>He turned and glowered at me for a second before turning back to his game once again. He said nothing.</p><p>Yikes. Okay, so, something must be going on with his mom. I didn't want to pry anymore until he was ready to talk, so I just sat there in silence and watched him play the stupid game.</p><p>After a few minutes, I heard the tires of Jacob's car against the gravel outside. I hopped up and walked out the front door quickly to go see him. He was getting out of his car.</p><p>"Bella!" He yelled excitedly with my favorite huge grin plastered on his face. For a second, I forgot about Quil's melancholy mood as he strode over to me and pulled me into a tight embrace. Our lips automatically found each other in a quick kiss. "God, I missed you today." He said before cupping my cheek and pecking my lips again.</p><p>I ran my hands up and down his back. "I missed you, too, Jake… Especially after everything that happened last night." My felt my cheeks get warm from my comment as the memories of last night flooded my mind again.</p><p>"Last night was the best night of my life, hands down. I don't think anything will ever top it. I love you." He smiled and kissed me again.</p><p>"Mmm," I mumbled against his lips. "I love you, too. So much." I rested my cheek against his chest and tightened my arms around him. I was never going to get enough of him. He was my sun.</p><p>"Something's wrong with Quil," I explained as I stayed snuggled into him. "He hasn't talked at all since I got here. He just keeps playing his videogame… He looks really pissed and kind of far away; I'm worried about him."</p><p>I pulled away and looked up at Jacob. He was frowning and looked worried, too. "Something probably happened with Heather."</p><p>He shifted to hold my hand as we both turned and walked inside the house. Quil said nothing and didn't look away from his game when Jacob and I walked in.</p><p>I sat back down in the armchair as Jacob walked over and plucked the controller away from Quil's hands. "Dude! What the fuck!" Quil yelled angrily as he tried to get the device back from Jacob.</p><p>Jacob held onto the controller as he sat down next to Quil on the couch. "What's going on? What happened with Heather?" Jacob asked. Quil glared at Jacob murderously. I saw Quil's jaw tighten as he shook his head, staying quiet.</p><p>"Well, you aren't getting this shit back," Jacob waved the controller then set it behind his back. "So, you better start talking. I'll wait here all night if I have to."</p><p>"Quil," I said quietly. He looked over at me. "Did she relapse? Is that what's going on?"</p><p>He sighed and rubbed his brow with one of his hands while he closed his eyes. "Yeah, so my aunt kicked her out this morning… She's living with that Dylan prick now, I guess. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, she chooses drugs and pieces of shit men over her own fucking son!"</p><p>Jacob placed his hand on Quil's shoulder. "Shit, man. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Yeah, whatever." Quil muttered as he shook Jacob's hand off. He stared straight ahead at the small T.V. again.</p><p>"Quil, I'm so sorry… Why don't we get out of here? Let's go walk on the beach or go for a drive or something. I think you need to get out of the house." I said.</p><p>Quil nodded. "That's probably a good idea." He stood up from the couch and walked down the hallway into the bathroom where he closed the door behind him. I guessed that he was going to shower and change.</p><p>I got up and went to sit next to Jacob on the couch. He wrapped his arm around me, and I rested my head under his shoulder. "You think Quil's gonna be okay?" I asked.</p><p>"Yeah, he'll be fine." Jacob responded easily.</p><p>"You'll stay here with him tonight?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>I felt a knot in my stomach as I thought about the pain Quil was clearly feeling. "Didn't Quil go to the hospital the last time Heather did this?"</p><p>I heard Jacob take a deep breath before sighing. "Yes."</p><p>"Do you think he would… hurt himself like that again?" I shuddered as I recalled Quil's story. He attempted suicide the last time Heather relapsed.</p><p>"No, I don't think so." Jacob squeezed my upper arm with the hand that was wrapped around me. "Don't be such a worry-wart, Bells! He'll be fine, but I'll keep an eye on him."</p><p>His comment reminded me of something. "Did you purposefully get yourself admitted to the hospital the last time to be there with Quil?"</p><p>"Ugh, c'mon, Bella. I don't wanna rehash all this stuff." He shifted forward, moving his arm from around me, so he could rest his elbows just above his knees. His hands covered and rubbed his face.</p><p>"No, <em>you</em> c'mon. Everything can't just be sunshine and rainbows all the time."</p><p>He sat back up and looked at me with a smirk. "And why not?" He asked sarcastically. "Maybe <em>you</em> just need to change your perspective."</p><p>I rolled my eyes, knowing that he was referencing our first interaction with each other in group therapy. "And maybe <em>you</em> just need to start feeling <em>your</em> emotions," I said curtly. I scooted away from him. I was getting incredibly annoyed.</p><p>"Are you really upset with me about this?" He asked.</p><p>"Yeah, kind of. We have to be able to talk about the serious stuff, too. Otherwise, what kind of relationship do we really have, Jake?"</p><p>He sighed, turned toward me, and immediately opened his arms, signaling for me to move back toward him. I did, somewhat reluctantly, knowing that his embrace would make me feel better. He held me against his chest and rested his chin on the top of my head. It was sort of exasperating that Jacob was both the source of my irritation <em>and</em> my comfort; what a strange dichotomy.</p><p>"You're right, Bells, like normal," he paused. "Yes, I purposefully got admitted to the hospital so I could be with Quil… My first time there scared the shit out of me, and I didn't want him to be alone."</p><p>I wanted to shift so I could look at his face, but I was afraid he would stop talking if I did. Maybe it would be easier for him if we weren't looking directly at each other – less intimidating for him to share his feelings. "How did you intentionally get admitted?"</p><p>He took a deep breath. "I got drunk, and, when I went home, I picked a fight with my dad, and the same thing happened like always. A neighbor called the cops. <em>I</em> told them I was suicidal this time, though, and off to the loony bin I went."</p><p>"How many times have you been there?"</p><p>"This past time was number four."</p><p>"And every time it stemmed from a fight with your dad?"</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"Have you ever, seriously, been suicidal or anything?"</p><p>"No, I haven't. I mean, I've been really fucking sad, but not to that point."</p><p>I had one more question that I wanted to ask him since he was being so vulnerable and letting me inside his head. He rarely talked about real things like this, but I was afraid to push my luck with this next question. I also wasn't sure I really wanted to know the answer.</p><p>"What are you thinking, Bella? I know something else is sloshing around in that head of yours. You can ask me. I'm trying to step over into the dark side with you right now, remember?" He laughed.</p><p>Ugh, he was always so in-tune with my thoughts. I took a deep breath and quietly asked him my question. "What are all the scars on your body from?"</p><p>I heard him take in a sharp breath and tighten his arms around me. When he didn't respond, I slowly pulled away from him so I could look at his face. His eyes were closed, and his expression looked pained. I reached up and held his face. "Jake, you don't have to tell me right now. I'm sorry. I take the question back." I said hurriedly, trying to take the agony that I'd inflicted away.</p><p>He took another breath then opened his eyes to look at me. "Cigarette burns."</p><p>I closed my eyes after he said the words. Nausea hit me quickly as I thought of Jacob as the little seven-year-old in the picture just a few feet away on the side table. His dad burning him with cigarettes. His dad <em>intentionally</em> hurting him. My Jacob. My person. The boy I desperately loved and wanted to keep safe.</p><p>I felt one of his arms hold me tighter as he used his other hand to wipe my cheeks. Oh, I was crying. I hadn't realized until just then. "I'm… so sorry, Jake… I hate your dad for hurting you in these ways." I choked out as I reached up and ran my hand down his chest where I knew there were scars. Then I reached up and gently circled around his eye that was now healed from a few weeks ago.</p><p>"I'm okay, Bella. Seriously." He said as he rubbed my back. This felt wrong – he was consoling me when it was him who experienced the pain. I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes hastily.</p><p>"How can you be fine with all of this, Jake? None of this is okay!"</p><p>"Bella, I'm really good at pushing this stuff away. That's why I hate talking about it. I only am now because of how important it is to you. But I'm really okay, I promise." He smiled, but it didn't touch his eyes the way it normally did.</p><p>"Okay," I responded to him, not wanting to push him anymore. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair before letting my hands rest on his face. I leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on his healed eye. I took my lips to his neck and peppered kisses there while I ran my fingers up and down his torso. I heard his breathing increase and become jagged. I was making it my mission for him to feel the love I had for him. I knew it couldn't make up for the pain he felt, but maybe it could help a little bit.</p><p>"Thank you for opening up to me," I whispered.</p><p>"Now that the talking's over, I think I heard Quil turn on the shower a few minutes ago. We should have, at least, five more minutes alone." He grinned and pumped his eyebrows up a couple of times.</p><p>I laughed as he tilted my head up and pressed his lips to mine. Jacob was so good at pulling us back into happier moments.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Out of Time" by A Day to Remember<br/></strong><em>I've never felt so sober<br/>I've never felt the low that I feel tonight<br/>Your words made everything drag on and on<br/>I finally found her<br/>And when I did, I just couldn't make things right</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Is this really happening?<br/>Oh, God, I think I just ruined my life</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What the fuck am I doing?<br/>I can't tell the difference from wrong and right</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>.~.</em>
</p>
<p>"<strong>cardigan" by Taylor Swift</strong><em><br/>You drew stars around my scars<br/>But now I'm bleedin'</em></p>
<p><em>'Cause I knew you</em><em><br/></em><em>Steppin' on the last train</em><em><br/></em><em>Marked me like a bloodstain</em><em><br/></em><em>I, I knew you</em><em></em><br/>Tried to change the ending<br/>Peter losing Wendy</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>"You said Jacob was coming over at 6:00, right?" Charlie called to me from the living room. I heard some type of sporting event on the T.V.</p>
<p>"Yes," I responded as I flipped a piece of chicken in the frying pan. I glanced at the time above the stove. It would be six o'clock in a few minutes. It was Thursday night, and it had been a couple of days since I saw Jacob. He came over on Tuesday with Quil for us to do homework together. That's when I'd asked Jacob about coming over for dinner tonight, as per Charlie's request. But I secretly liked the idea, too. Because of how important Jake was to me, I wanted him and my dad to get along and have a good relationship.</p>
<p>Jacob had agreed to come over right away, even as Quil was giving him crap about it. Quil seemed like he was mostly back to being his normal self when I saw him Tuesday, thank goodness. I was really worried about him when I saw him this past weekend.</p>
<p>I finished cooking the chicken, sautéing the vegetables, and mashing the potatoes. I hadn't paid much attention to the time until everything was done. I pulled out plates for us as I looked at the time – it was 6:15. Weird. Jacob was probably just running a little late. I ran up the stairs and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. I didn't have any text messages or missed calls from him.</p>
<p>I dialed his number and held my phone up to my ear. It rang and rang until it eventually went to voicemail. I hung up without leaving him a message. I sent him a text instead:</p>
<p>
  <em>Hey, Jake. Are you on your way to my house for dinner?</em>
</p>
<p>I saw the little text bubbles appear, like he was responding, then they went away. Maybe he was driving.</p>
<p>I shoved my phone into my pocket and went back downstairs. I sat next to Charlie on the couch and obsessively checked my phone again. Still nothing.</p>
<p>The minutes rolled by, and Jacob still hadn't shown up or called/texted me back.</p>
<p>I saw Charlie glance at his watch before looking over at me. "He on his way?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," I responded with a sigh. "Let me call him again." I was getting worried. It was a little after 6:30. I got up from the couch, walked into the kitchen, and called him again. He still didn't answer. The call went straight to voicemail.</p>
<p>"Jake, it's me. I'm getting worried. You said you would be here at 6:00 for dinner. Call me back. I love you. Bye." I said after the beep of his voicemail.</p>
<p>I walked back into the living room. "I guess we should eat now… I don't want to the food to keep getting cold. I don't know where Jacob is."</p>
<p>"You tried calling him?" Charlie asked.</p>
<p>"Yeah, just rings and goes to voicemail." My stomach started twisting as I compulsively checked my phone again. Still nothing. I was getting really worried. It was out of character for Jacob to bail on me, or so I thought, anyway. Maybe something happened with Jacob and his dad? Was he hurt? I decided to text Quil while Charlie and I walked into the kitchen.</p>
<p>
  <em>Hey, have you heard from Jacob today? I haven't talked to him since this morning before school, and I'm worried since he hasn't shown up at my house for dinner yet.</em>
</p>
<p>Just as Charlie and I finished piling food on our plates, my phone buzzed. I set my plate down on the table and dug my phone out of my pocket quickly. It was Quil.</p>
<p>
  <em>He was at school earlier. He dropped me off at home a few hours ago, but I haven't heard from him since. I thought he was with you. I'll call him, hold on.</em>
</p>
<p>I sighed as I placed my phone down on the table and sat down with Charlie. We both started eating in silence while I waited for Quil to text me back.</p>
<p>"You figure out where he is?" Charlie asked.</p>
<p>"No, I just messaged Quil to see if he knew, but he doesn't."</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged. "I bet something just came up."</p>
<p>"Maybe," I agreed, but I couldn't ignore the annoying, gut-wrenching feeling I had in the pit of my stomach.</p>
<p>After a few more minutes of pushing my food around on my plate and taking only a few bites, my phone finally started buzzing. I picked it up off the table immediately, instantly relieved when I saw that it was Jacob. It was almost 7:00 now. I pressed the green answer button as I held the phone up to my ear and walked into the living room. "Jake, hi! I've been worried. Is everything okay?"</p>
<p>"Heeeeyyyy, Bells," he slurred into the phone. I could hear music in the background and muffled sounds of people talking.</p>
<p>"Jacob, is that your little girlfriend?" I heard someone say.</p>
<p>"Jake, what's going on? Where are you?" I asked, even though I was pretty sure I knew the answer.</p>
<p>"Oh, ya know," I heard him laugh. "Just with some friennnnds."</p>
<p>My heart sank. It stung that he either forgot about our dinner plans or was intentionally standing me up. "Did you forget about dinner tonight with my dad?"</p>
<p>"No, no, no." He said with another chuckle. "Things just happened. Come pick me uuup."</p>
<p>"Come pick you up?" I asked.</p>
<p>"Yes. Then I can seeeee you."</p>
<p>"Where are you?"</p>
<p>"The," he hiccupped. "Beach."</p>
<p>"Okay, I'll be there soon." I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. I had a text message from Quil.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck, he's drunk. I chewed him out and told him to call you.</em>
</p>
<p>Yeah, I was pretty sure Quil was right. I walked back into the kitchen and tried to think of a little white lie to tell Charlie so I could leave. "Dad, Jacob needs me to pick him up… Something's wrong with his car. We'll reschedule dinner. I'm just going to pick him up and take him home."</p>
<p>"Okay, Bell. I'll clean up after dinner. Go help your friend."</p>
<p>I turned and made my way for the door. I shrugged on my jacket and grabbed my wallet and keys. I climbed into my truck and made the short drive to La Push. I wasn't sure what to make of this situation with Jacob. I felt somewhat angry that he decided to get drunk today, the day he was supposed to come to my house for dinner officially as my boyfriend. Another part of me was relieved that he was okay and that I was on my way to help him get home (or to Quil's).</p>
<p>I wondered what triggered him to drink. I thought about the black eye he had the last time he was drunk and shuddered. I wondered if I was going to see him injured again which spiked my anxiety. I sped up a little faster, just wanting to get to the beach sooner. I just needed to see him, make sure he was okay, get him home, then I could be angry at him tomorrow when he was sober.</p>
<p>I parked in the small parking lot and got out of my truck. I wasn't sure where on the beach he was, so I dialed his number as I started walking toward the sand.</p>
<p>"Beeeellllaaaa!" He sang into the phone. "Is my beeeeaaaaauuuutiful girlfriend here?"</p>
<p>Even when he was drunk, he still made me smile. <em>Livid tomorrow</em>, I promised myself. "Yes, where are you?"</p>
<p>"I see you," he said. I looked around and finally spotted him closer to the water, several yards away from me. He was by himself, holding, what looked like, a beer bottle in his hand as he walked, or stumbled, slowly toward me.</p>
<p>"I'll be right over." I said before hanging up and making my way toward him. As I got closer, I scrutinized him for any sign of injury. I couldn't spot anything on his face, arms, or hands. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. He <em>seemed</em> fine. Well, except for being intoxicated.</p>
<p>Once I was close enough, I reached out and touched his chest, gripping his shirt to try and steady him as a huge whiff of alcohol filled my nose. He wrapped his free arm, the one not holding the beer, around my waist and pulled me closer to him. He tried to kiss me, but I shook my head and turned. He kissed my cheek instead before mumbling, "Missed you."</p>
<p>"Could have fooled me." I responded. Okay, maybe I was going to be angry now, too. I looked up at him and his brows furrowed as he pursed his lips.</p>
<p>"What do you mean?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Jake, you were supposed to come to my house for dinner tonight and you didn't! Instead, you came here and got drunk. Did something happen with your dad? What's going on?"</p>
<p>He shrugged then rolled his eyes. "Ugh, always so much talkie with you. I don't wanna talk!"</p>
<p>I pulled away from him. "Well, tough. Start explaining. What's going on?"</p>
<p>He shook his head and took a sip of the beer in his hand. "I'm not fucking talking tonight." He reached out and tried to hold my hand, but I pulled away from him again. "C'mon, Beeells. Let's just have a fuuun night together."</p>
<p>"We were supposed to until you stood me up!" I yelled at him.</p>
<p>"Oh, don't be so dramatic." He started laughing.</p>
<p>I felt my face get red as I got more upset. "Jake, this isn't funny! You really hurt me."</p>
<p>He sighed and looked at me. "If you're gonna be a massive party pooper, then just leave. I'll call Quil."</p>
<p>I tried to hide the pain on my face from his comment. Not that it mattered anyway. I was sure he was too drunk to really notice how upset I really was. "Jake –"</p>
<p>"No, just leave, Bella," he shook his head. "This is what I do anyway. So, if you don't want to be here, then go." He nodded toward the parking lot.</p>
<p>"What do you mean, 'this is what you do'?" I asked pointedly.</p>
<p>"Fuck things up," he said nonchalantly with a shrug as he took another gulp from the beer bottle. "It was only a matter of time before I messed this up, too." He said as he used his free hand to gesture between the two of us.</p>
<p>"Messed what up?" I asked, even though I already knew what he was referring to.</p>
<p>"Us. We've had a good run. I'm actually proud of myself for," hiccup. "How long this has lasted."</p>
<p>I took a step closer to him. "Jacob, stop. Come on, let's get you to Quil's, and we can talk more tomorrow."</p>
<p>"I'm not," another hiccup. "Leaving. Maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought… I like this," he held up the beer bottle. "And you like talkie. I don't want to fucking talk. We've done all the boyfriend-girlfriend things, so let's just break up before we get in too deep." He slurred as he spoke the words, but the message still felt crystal clear to me.</p>
<p>It felt like my torso was beginning to slowly tear open and throb as Jacob said the painful words. It sounded like he was breaking up with me, like he didn't want me anymore. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but, either way, my mind started wondering if Jacob was acting this way because of me, or because of something that happened between us recently. His comment about already doing all the "boyfriend-girlfriend things" stung the deepest, probably because of everything that happened with Mike.</p>
<p>"Are you doing this because we had sex? What, you got what you wanted and now you're breaking up with me because we did that 'boyfriend-girlfriend thing'?" That's all that guys wanted anyway, right? That's what Mike wanted. When I wouldn't give it to him, he bailed. Is that what Jacob was doing now? After we had sex last week? Was that all that he wanted, too? I flinched, feeling the throbbing pain in my torso again. I really thought that had been about love and connection and healing, not just some physical fling. The physical part was amazing, too, but I thought it was more… It was more for me, anyway.</p>
<p>His eyes narrowed as he glared at me. "<em>Really, </em>Bella!? Do you even know me at all?"</p>
<p>"I don't know, Jacob! Do I!?" I yelled.</p>
<p>"Jesus, Bella. You're really being ridiculous. This isn't going to work – you and me. Easier to end it now. This is done, over. Hasta la vista, baaabyyy!" He shook his head and took another swig of that stupid fucking beer as my torso ripped open further. I felt like I was bleeding out; it was like he came into my life to sew me up, but was now ripping the stitches away, leaving even bigger scars behind.</p>
<p>"You don't mean that." I reached forward and grabbed onto the beer bottle in his hand and tried to yank it away from him. I wanted to dump the rest of the liquid into the sand and toss the stupid bottle into the fucking ocean. Then I was going to haul his ass to Quil's and not talk to him for a few days until he was a thousand percent sober, rational, and apologetic.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do." He said coldly as his grip tightened around the bottle. He jerked it back toward him quickly. My hand reflexively let go and I stumbled back, falling into the sand. Jacob instantly stepped forward and staggered toward me, reaching his free hand out. "Shit, Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean –"</p>
<p>I felt tears fill my eyes. "Don't!" I yelled. "Don't fucking touch me." I said callously. Jacob instantly froze, stood straight up, and took a step back.</p>
<p>I wasn't hurt, and I knew Jacob didn't mean to knock me over, but, for whatever reason, falling back in the sand seemed to shake some sense into me about the situation. I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to put myself in any situation like this for a <em>boy</em>. Even if that boy was Jacob. Even if I loved him. Even if it meant that I was going to have this throbbing hole in my torso. I had to put myself first. I was not going to let anyone treat me like shit again. Maybe Jacob really loved me, too, but he needed to work on his own demons before we could be together.</p>
<p>I scrambled up to my feet and brushed my hands free of sand before I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I think you were right. It's easier to just end this – you and me. Now." I choked on a sob as I looked up at him. His face finally softened into the Jacob I knew – the one I loved. He looked sad, almost pained. I felt like his expression matched mine.</p>
<p>"Bella –" He took a step forward and reached his hand out toward me.</p>
<p>I held my hand up, cautioning him not to come any closer to me. "No," I closed my eyes and shook my head, cutting him off. I took a deep breath before looking back up at him. I swallowed. "I'll call Quil to come pick you up… Bye, Jake."</p>
<p>Then I turned and hurried back to my truck before I could change my mind. Almost everything inside of me was screaming to go back toward Jacob, to let him hold me to take away the razor-sharp pain that clawed at my midsection. He was the only thing that could stop the anguish.</p>
<p>But there was another part of me, a part of me that was starting to have a louder voice, that told me this was the right decision. It was the part that Maddie and Stevie kept reminding me of, the part of me that had power, had a voice, had a purpose, and had a duty to keep myself safe from men like Jacob. Well, at least the way Jacob was right now when he was drunk. I wasn't going to turn back down. I deserved better… And Jacob wasn't better right now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>A/N: The next few chapters are brutally sad, in my opinion; buckle up to potentially shed some tears! :(</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>If you know the song correlated with chapter nineteen ("Adam's Song" by blink-182), you may be able to infer what's to come; there's also been quite a bit of foreshadowing so far!</strong>
</p><hr/><p>"<strong>Save Myself" by Ed Sheeran<br/></strong><em>Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels<br/>I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills<br/>And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf<br/>No farewell<br/>So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself</em></p><p>
  <em>And before I blame someone else, I've got to save myself</em>
  <em>
    <br/>
  </em>
  <em>And before I love someone else, I've got to love myself</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JPOV</strong>
</p><p>I really fucked up this time. That's what I always did though, right? I <em>was</em> a fuck up. I could pretend I wasn't for a while, but it always creeped back up.</p><p>I watched Bella walk back toward her car, get inside, and drive until she as out of sight. I chucked the beer bottle as far out into the ocean as I could. "Agh!"</p><p>My phone wouldn't stop buzzing in my pocket as I started walking in the opposite direction on the shoreline. I didn't really know where I was going yet. I didn't want to go back to Sam, Jared, and Embry. Not when I felt this shitty. Although, drinking more might take more of the edge off. Or, I think Jared said he had some prescription pills…</p><p>I turned around and started walking back toward them. I stumbled over something, probably my own fucking feet, as I walked. Shit, I was drunker than I thought, and the buzzing in my pocket was driving me insane. I pulled my phone out and annoyingly answered Quil's call. "What!?"</p><p>"Don't 'what' me. Where the hell are you, Jake?"</p><p>"On the beach," I answered through gritted teeth.</p><p>I could hear him start his car. "Well, I'm coming to get your ass. Sounds like you really upset Bella. G<em>reat</em> job, jerk."</p><p>"Agh! I don't wanna fucking talk about it!" I growled into the phone then hung up on him. I shoved my phone back into my pocket. Change of plans. I started walking toward the parking lot instead.</p><p>There wasn't much that still mattered to me in my life. Today, of all days, reminded me of that. I shoved the memories and realizations that were creeping up back down into the darkest part of my head.</p><p>Bella mattered. Bella was the only thing that mattered right now. And I royally fucked up. I pushed her away because I didn't want her to be associated with the black hole that was my life. She was too perfect, too good. She deserved so much better.</p><p>But I couldn't let her get away. There was some invisible pull that made me need her. Ever since she ripped into me during that group therapy session at the hospital, I knew she was different. Not like all the other girls. Damn, did I love her. I didn't deserve to, but I did, nonetheless.</p><p>Then why did I mess it all up? Because I fucking suck. I hated myself. Maybe she realized how screwed up I was and wanted better. Good for her. I should probably let her go, let her find real happiness.</p><p>But I saw Bella's face so clearly in my mind, as I fumbled to get my car keys out of my pocket, that I had to, at least, try to make things right with her. I didn't have enough self-control to let her leave and find her destined happiness with someone better. I struggled to get the key into the lock, but finally managed as I climbed inside and started the car.</p><p>I had to go after her. I had to explain. I had to beg her to take me back. Beg her to forgive me. Tell her why this day was so shitty for me. Apologize about missing dinner. Burry my face in her neck as she wrapped her arms around me and erased all the pain.</p><p>But would she even listen to me? I thought back to our conversation fifteen minutes ago on the beach. I couldn't even remember most of it. Shit, how much did I drink earlier? I just remembered her accusing me of breaking up with her because we had sex, believing that was all that I wanted. Her words stung because I truly loved her… even though I didn't deserve to.</p><p>Sure, the new sex part of our relationship was great, but it was only great because it was with her. Damn it, I just wanted <em>her</em>. No, not wanted. <em>Needed</em>. I had been scared out of my damn mind to have sex with her. She was perfect, and I was painstakingly broken, wearing the visible scars all over my body to prove it. And she loved me anyway. Or did.</p><p>Fuck, I just <em>had</em> to find her and try to fix this.</p><p>I backed out of the spot and gunned it out of the parking lot. I slammed on the brakes at a stop light, causing my body to jerk forward then quickly back. Damn, I was so drunk. I shook my head and told myself to focus. I just had to get to her.</p><p>I turned left and started speeding up the road. I had no idea what the speed limit was, nor did I care. I didn't care about anything else right now. Only her. Only Bella. The trees were blurring past me. The road curved, and there was a stop sign I forgot about right around the bend. I couldn't stop in time. I swerved to avoid the car in the middle of the intersection then I hit something hard before everything went black.</p><hr/><p>"<strong>hoax" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>Stood on the cliffside<br/>Screaming, "Give me a reason"<br/>Your faithless love's the only hoax<br/>I believe in<br/>Don't want no other shade of blue<br/>But you<br/>No other sadness in the world would do</em></p><p>
  <em>My only one<br/>My kingdom come undone<br/>My broken drum<br/>You have beaten my heart</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p>My eyes opened from the sunlight that was beginning to creep into my window. I wasn't asleep, not really. I didn't think I had slept all night despite being extremely exhausted. I made myself get up and take a shower to try and wash away some of the fatigue. I got dressed and trudged down the stairs to get ready to leave for school. School would be a welcomed distraction from the weight of everything yesterday.</p><p>Jacob never called or texted me last night like I secretly hoped he would. Even if he had, I wasn't sure if I would have responded, but it would have been better than not hearing from him at all. Unfortunately, just because he was a total asshole yesterday didn't mean I didn't still love him.</p><p>But I knew, without a doubt, that I made the right decision last night, even if I felt completely broken-hearted at the same time. Jacob had a lot of things to figure out. I thought he started to let me in, but maybe he hadn't. Or, maybe he did, but he was only doing it half-heartedly. That was probably more accurate – he just wasn't <em>feeling</em> what he was saying. He was too good at shoveling the pain down and never acknowledging it.</p><p>What was it that Maddie told me when I first started having sessions with her? I think it was, <em>we have to feel it to heal it. </em>Jacob wasn't doing that. That helped me pinpoint three things that Jacob struggled with:</p><p>Jacob rarely felt any of his emotions, which means he couldn't fully heal.</p><p>Jacob didn't trust anyone enough to open up to them.</p><p>Jacob thought that he could just be optimistic all the time and that would make everything okay.</p><p>I worried that if Jacob didn't work on those things, I would be back in another unhealthy relationship. Of course, I knew Jacob would never hurt me the way Mike had… But Jacob was hurting me emotionally. And that almost felt worst.</p><p>I hadn't talked to Quil since last night when I left the beach. He just assured me that he would go pick up Jacob and take him home with him. He could tell that I was upset because I wasn't very good at hiding my blubbering. I wondered if my friendship with Quil would survive my breakup with Jacob. I felt a twinge in my stomach as I thought about losing both of them.</p><p>I sat at the table with Charlie while he drank his coffee. I couldn't stomach the idea of breakfast. I thought about last night more. It was a good thing I had a twenty minute or so drive home last night from the beach. It helped me get the sobbing under control by the time I got home so I wouldn't freak Charlie out. He seemed to be more trusting and semi-healed from everything involving Mike and the suicide attempt, so I knew him seeing me so upset would set it all off again. He probably would have made me sleep in the living room while he slept in the armchair just so he could keep an eye on me.</p><p>So, I had pulled it together enough to go inside and tell Charlie that we would reschedule dinner with Jacob before I went upstairs to take a shower and lay in bed. That's when the waterworks hit. All night. Or most of it, anyway. I tossed and turned before getting up and wadding all my bedding into a big ball and throwing it against the wall. I kept thinking about what Jacob and I did in my bed and laying in it with the memories was haunting me. I remembered grabbing my pillow and the quilt in my closet and curling up on the floor.</p><p>"Bells," I looked up at Charlie. "Did you hear me?" Crap, I must have been spacing out, totally lost in my thoughts.</p><p>"No, sorry… I'm still waking up. What did you say?"</p><p>He eyed me suspiciously. "I saw you sleeping on the floor. About gave me a heart attack. Something wrong with your bed?"</p><p>I thought about why that would give him a heart attack and instantly felt guilty. "Oh, I'm sorry dad! No, my bed is fine." I swallowed, feeling the pain ripple through my torso as I thought about why I didn't want to sleep in my bed. "I must have been… sleep walking," I lied.</p><p>"Since when do you sleepwalk?"</p><p>"I did when I was little, maybe I picked it up again." I shrugged.</p><p>He huffed something as he got up to put his coffee mug in the sink. "I'll see you tonight, Bell." He said as he headed toward the door to leave for work. I got up from the table and grabbed my backpack from the couch. My phone started buzzing in my pocket. I dropped my backpack and answered the call from Quil immediately. Maybe we were still friends after all.</p><p>"Hey, Quil."</p><p>"Bella, hey," He said before clearing his throat. "Normally, I wouldn't condone such foul behavior, but are you up for ditching school today?"</p><p>"Oh, um," I hesitated. "I don't know…"</p><p>"Just you and me. Jake won't be there."</p><p>I was grateful he understood my delay without me having to explain. "Okay. You've persuaded me. Where do you want to meet?"</p><p>He laughed. "Didn't take much convincing. I'm a bad fucking influence. Just come to my place?"</p><p>"Sure. I'll be there soon." I said before hanging up. I grabbed my backpack, slung it over my shoulder and darted for the door. I climbed into my truck and made the drive to La Push. I made myself focus only on the road, nothing else. I was afraid to be alone with my silent thoughts right now.</p><p>I parked outside Quil's aunt's house. He was sitting on the steps in front of the house and was holding a cigarette between his fingers. I glared at him as I watched him take a long puff as I got out of my truck and started walking up toward him.</p><p>"Well, don't you look like crap." He said as I got closer. He blew the cigarette smoke out of his mouth in the opposite direction. I almost gagged from the smell.</p><p>"Gee, thanks." I said curtly as I scrunched my face up and plucked the cigarette from his hand. I dropped it on the ground and stomped on it. "Why the hell are you smoking?"</p><p>He shrugged. "My mom left a couple packs here. I've been smoking all week. Nothing matters anymore, anyway, does it? Maybe the cigarettes will give me cancer so I can die sooner."</p><p>I sighed and sat down on the steps next to him. "Is that why we're ditching? Did something else happen with Heather?"</p><p>He laughed, but it was more of a sarcastic chortle. "No. That's the problem. I haven't heard from her since she left a week ago. It's like I'm dead to her. I wish I was. Death would be less painful. Two parents who give no shits about you; I hit the motherfucking jackpot."</p><p>I bumped my shoulder into his, hoping to shake him from his sardonic misery. "Stop talking and thinking like that."</p><p>"Seriously, though. It's like I wasn't even given a chance."</p><p>"Quil," I said his name like it was a warning as I turned to look at him.</p><p>He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I'll work on my cynicism in another lifetime. Until then, you're stuck with it." I sighed, then we were quiet.</p><p>I had a million questions I wanted to ask Quil, but I was too afraid of the pain it would cause me. I wondered where Jacob was because I highly doubted that he just woke up and went to school on his own this morning without Quil. I also wondered if Jacob told Quil more about our fight yesterday. Did Jacob go home last night when he was drunk? Was he okay if he did?</p><p>I heard Quil take a deep breath before he turned to look at me. "I'm just gonna rip the bandaid off. Before I tell you the whole story, or what I know of the story, anyway, Jacob is okay. He –"</p><p>"What do you mean? Why wouldn't he be okay?" I felt adrenaline rush through my veins. My muscles tightened. Panic swirled in my stomach and chest as I held my breath, waiting for Quil's response that was taking far too long. Jacob <em>had</em> to be okay.</p><p>"Like I said, he's okay. Chill. He's just back in the hospital… He drove drunk last night and crashed his car into a tree. He has some bruised ribs, a concussion, and some cuts and bruises, but that's it. Lucky bastard. No one else was involved in the accident. He went to the ER then they transferred him to the mental health hospital after a social worker met with him."</p><p>I stood up from the steps while Quil had been explaining and was now pacing in front of him. All the adrenaline in my veins forced me to move. I couldn't fully wrap my mind around anything Quil was saying. I repeated his words to myself, trying to get a grip – <em>Jacob was okay.</em></p><p>But he drove last night? He could have killed himself or someone else! How could he be so reckless, so stupid? And now he was back in that hospital for the fifth time? Was he going to get into legal trouble for driving drunk? Why was he so drunk last night? Why did he have to say all those hurtful things to me?</p><p>"Bella!" Quil said loudly. I stopped pacing and looked at him. "Jesus, sit back down. You're making me so anxious that I'm about to light up another God damn cigarette."</p><p>I took a deep breath and sat down next to Quil. I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands, still trying to collect my thoughts.</p><p>I finally sat up. "I thought you were going to pick him up last night after I called you?"</p><p>"Yeah, I went to the beach and couldn't find him. His car was gone when I got there, but I wasn't sure if he'd driven or walked to the beach."</p><p>I closed my eyes, immediately knowing why he was driving. "He was coming after me."</p><p>"Bingo." Quil nodded. "At least, that was my assumption because he crashed driving toward Forks."</p><p>I think I was starting to hyperventilate. "I should have waited for you to get there, then none of this would have happened."</p><p>"No, Bella. C'mon, don't do the guilt shit. This was <em>all</em> Jacob's fault. He shouldn't have been drinking in the first place. He shouldn't have missed your dinner. This is all on him. Fucking jerk."</p><p>I nodded. Quil was right. I thought back to my mental list that I made earlier. Jacob was using alcohol to numb the feelings he didn't want to deal with. "Do you know why he was drinking? What provoked it this time?"</p><p>"I didn't at first… But I talked to him last night. I saw him at the ER before they transferred him. He told me not to tell you anything, but I don't really give a fuck about what he wants right now."</p><p>"What happened then?" I asked quickly, desperate for more information to put the puzzle pieces together.</p><p>"Yesterday was the anniversary of his mom's death. 9 years."</p><p>My head was back in my hands again as I hunched forward. Why couldn't he have told me? Instead of being such a jerk? I would have been there with him to battle through the grief. How could I help him trust me? I shook my head. No, this wasn't on me. He had to figure this out himself. He had to learn to trust me. I couldn't be the one to fix him.</p><p>"Is he in any legal trouble for drinking and driving?" I asked.</p><p>"Yeah, but that won't get figured out until he's discharged from the hospital. He'll have a court date, might get probation or something. I'm sure he'll lose his license."</p><p>"Do you know why he was transferred to the mental health hospital? What did he say to the social worker?"</p><p>Quil shrugged. "I don't know. He was pretty pissed when I saw him, though… I haven't seen him that way in a long time. He told me that he fucked things up with you… He was really torn up about it."</p><p>I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. I didn't know what to say. I wrapped my arms around my torso and pleaded for the physical pain to stop from the heartbreak. I terribly wanted to go find Jacob and tell him that it was okay, that I forgave him, that everything was going to be fine. But he had to figure out the things on my mental list first. I deserved better and so did he. I wasn't going to be in another situation with him like last night.</p><p>"Look," Quil said as he placed a hand on my knee. "I don't know what happened between you and Jake yesterday, but just know I'm Team Bella all the way. Jake's an ass."</p><p>I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Thanks, Quil. You're a great friend, you know that?"</p><p>He laughed grimly. "Yeah, okay."</p><p>"Seriously, Quil. I don't know what I would've done in the hospital if I hadn't met you and… Jake." I flinched at saying his name out loud.</p><p>He huffed. "You would've been fine. No one really needs me."</p><p>I sighed at his comment, knowing there was no use in correcting him anymore today. "What do we do now?"</p><p>"I don't know. Wanna smoke a cigarette with me?"</p><p>I sat up and held my hand out toward him. "Wanna die?" I mocked him. "Give me the damn cigarettes."</p><p>He rolled his eyes. "Actually, yes. Cremation is the last chance for me to have a smoking hot body." He pulled the small box out of his pocket and tossed it into my lap. I was going to put them down my garbage disposal when I got home later.</p><p>"What do you call a fish that smokes?" Quil asked.</p><p>"I don't know. What?"</p><p>"A puffer-fish. Get it?" I rolled my eyes and cracked a small smile. "I got another one. What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke?" I shrugged, indicating that I didn't know. "Quack."</p><p>I laughed. "That was terrible."</p><p>Quil stood up and held his hand out to me to pull me to my feet. "I'm starving. Let's go get some food."</p><p>We went to the diner with Quil's favorite pancakes. After we ate, we went to the beach and walked around. We eventually ended up back at his house. He attempted to teach me how to play one of his video games, but we both quickly gave up. I just watched him play instead.</p><p>Soon enough, it was time for me to head home to pretend I was getting home from school. I wasn't sure if Charlie would get a call from the school or not for my absence, but I was prepared to take whatever punishment may come with me ditching. Being with Quil today was exactly what I needed. Even though it was still painful because he reminded me of Jacob, it was worse to think about not being around Quil. He was one of my best friends with or without Jake.</p><p>When I told Quil I was leaving, he paused his game and walked me to the door. He seemed off all of a sudden, but I wasn't sure why.</p><p>"I'm not sure when I'll be able to see you. I'm sure I'll have some kind of consequence for skipping school today." I said.</p><p>"Hopefully your dad's not too upset about it." Quil responded before pulling me into a hug. He squeezed me tight. "Thanks for being such a great friend."</p><p>I pulled away from him and looked at him somewhat skeptically. I was waiting for the witticism, but he looked completely genuine. I smiled at him. "Thanks for not being sarcastic for once."</p><p>He laughed before opening the door for me. "Bye, Bella."</p><p>"Bye, Quil." I said before making my way to my truck to head home. As I drove, I wondered how much trouble I would potentially be in if Charlie found out about the ditching.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Adam's Song" by blink-182<br/></strong><em>I never thought I'd die alone</em><em><br/></em><em>I laughed the loudest who'd have known?</em><em><br/></em><em>I traced the cord back to the wall</em><em><br/></em><em>No wonder it was never plugged in at all</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I took my time, I hurried up</em>
  <em>
    <br/>
  </em>
  <em>The choice was mine, I didn't think enough</em>
  <em>
    <br/>
  </em>
  <em>I'm too depressed to go on</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>When I got home from Quil's house, my dad still wasn't home from work yet. It was a little after 4:00 p.m. I checked my phone and had a text message from Angela. She asked where I was today. I messaged her back, saying I wasn't feeling well and asked for any homework that I missed. She sent me the information on a math assignment and said that was all I really missed since it was a Friday.</p>
<p>I looked around in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make for dinner. We still had plenty of leftovers from last night, so I didn't have that to distract me. I decided to get an early start on my homework, just wanting something to keep my attention.</p>
<p>Just as I sat down and pulled out my Trigonometry book and notebook, I heard the front door jingle and open swiftly. "Bella?" My dad called anxiously.</p>
<p>"I'm in the kitchen, dad!"</p>
<p>He rounded the corner into the kitchen, and I saw him sigh in relief before looking angry. "The school just called me and said you weren't there today? Where were you?"</p>
<p>I decided coming clean was the easiest thing to do. I didn't want to worry Charlie any more than I already had the last couple months. "I went to La Push. I hung out with Quil all day."</p>
<p>"Why!?" He demanded, his face getting red.</p>
<p>"If I tell you the truth, can we not make it a big thing?" I asked, not being very hopeful.</p>
<p>Charlie sighed as he took off his duty belt, set it on the counter, then sat down in the chair across from me. "Just tell me, please."</p>
<p>I swallowed and looked down at my textbook. "Jacob and I… broke up last night. I lied about something being wrong with his car. Jacob was… drunk because his mom died nine years ago yesterday, and he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad… I went to pick him up and take him home, but we got in a fight. I was really sad this morning when Quil called me and asked if I wanted to ditch school with him today, so I said yes. I know it was a stupid decision, and I already got my make-up work from Angela. That's what I'm working on now."</p>
<p>I took a deep breath before looking up at Charlie. His face was no longer red, but he looked stoic. It felt good to tell him the truth, though, regardless of the punishment. The throbbing, physical pain from thinking about Jacob was back, so I wrapped an arm around myself.</p>
<p>"Do you know about the car accident last night, too?" Charlie finally asked.</p>
<p>I met his gaze again, dumbfounded. But, of course, he knew. How could he not? It was right outside of Forks. I'm sure he found out right away when we got to work this morning. "Yes… Quil and I think that he was trying to come talk to me after our fight."</p>
<p>I felt tears fill up in my eyes as some of the guilt returned. Why didn't I just wait in my truck until Quil got there to take Jacob home with him? Then Jacob wouldn't be in the hospital again or facing legal charges.</p>
<p>Maybe I was being too hard on Jacob with the mental list I'd made earlier. I had to remember all the things he had been through, too… Why was this so confusing for me? Could I hold him responsible for his actions <em>and</em> be empathetic to his struggles at the same time? Or was that me inviting in abuse to happen to me again? I was perplexed all of a sudden, wondering if my own trauma was triggering my rigid reaction to Jacob yesterday.</p>
<p>"Have you been drinking with them – Jacob and Quil?" Charlie asked.</p>
<p>"No! No, of course not, dad! Quil doesn't drink either. It's just Jacob that struggles with it."</p>
<p>"Where does he get it?"</p>
<p>"Some other friends he has down in La Push. Although, I wouldn't consider them 'friends'… The drinking is why Jacob has been in the mental health hospital so much... His dad," my voice broke from choking on a sob.</p>
<p>I felt Charlie's hand rest on top of mine after a few seconds. "His dad what, Bell?" He asked gently.</p>
<p>"His dad… physically abuses him. That's why he started drinking in the first place."</p>
<p>"What!?" Charlie spat. When I looked up at him, his face was red again with anger. I just nodded, unsure what else to say.</p>
<p>"What else do you know about this? Have you ever seen Jacob injured from his dad?" He asked quickly, going into officer-mode.</p>
<p>"Yes," I swallowed and cleared my throat. "He had a black eye a little over a month ago from his dad… Jacob told me that CPS has been involved a lot, but they always just make Jacob go live with Quil and Quil's aunt, since Quil's his cousin, then Jacob goes back to living with his dad when CPS closes their case. He spends most of him time at Quil's, though, and just sleeps at his dad's and stuff, I think."</p>
<p>"Jesus," my dad said in frustration as he rubbed his face with his hands for several seconds. "If I call Stevie, will you talk to her about the stuff with Jacob and his dad? Her partner, Leah, works in child welfare and is an investigator, so they may be able to assist."</p>
<p>I nodded. "If you think it could help."</p>
<p>"It can be hard to intervene with Native American families sometimes because of the laws that protect them, but, once Stevie gets her hands on a meaningful case like this, she gets pretty determined."</p>
<p>"Okay."</p>
<p>"No more skipping school and no more lying, Bella. Understand?"</p>
<p>I sighed and nodded again as I wiped my eyes. "Yes. Sorry, dad."</p>
<p>"You're grounded for the weekend, so make sure you get your homework done… I'm going to go call Stevie and see if she can come by this evening and interview you about the stuff with Jacob."</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>I was sitting upstairs at my desk, working on my homework, as instructed by Charlie, when I heard a knock against my door. I turned around in my chair and saw Stevie standing in the doorway; my door wasn't closed, of course, seeing as it was still one of Charlie's conditions.</p>
<p>She had a small smirk on her face. "Hey, Bella. Can I come in?" She asked. I nodded, so she walked into my room and sat on the edge of my bed to face me while I stayed sitting in my desk chair.</p>
<p>"Your dad filled me in a little on everything going on," she said. "Wanna talk about it?"</p>
<p>I shrugged. "What all did he tell you?"</p>
<p>"The stuff with Jacob and his dad. The stuff about you two breaking up."</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and wrapped my arm around myself again. I wasn't sure if this heartache was worth risking for love again.</p>
<p>"Heartbreak sucks, doesn't it?" Stevie said as her gaze focused in on my arm.</p>
<p>I nodded. "I miss him."</p>
<p>"Why did you break up?" She asked. I glanced over to the doorway, wondering where Charlie was. I didn't want him eavesdropping. I also wasn't sure if Stevie would tell him about our conversation or not. "Just between us." Stevie said, probably picking up on my hesitation. She was a good detective.</p>
<p>I got up to go close my door anyway, just in case. I sat back down in my chair then looked at Stevie. "Jacob was supposed to come over here for dinner last night, but he stood me up. When he finally called me, he was drunk. I went to go help him get home safely, and he said some hurtful things to me…" I felt the tears begin to flow again.</p>
<p>"What did he say?"</p>
<p>"He said he always fucks things up and that we should maybe break up… I got upset and asked him if it was because he got what he wanted from me. He got mad at my accusation and said he wanted to just end our relationship. He was drinking a beer, and I tried to get it away from him, but fell down in the process. Something snapped inside of me then… All the stuff I've been learning from you and Maddie bubbled up to the surface. I told him I wanted to break up, too, then left and called our friend, Quil, to go pick him up."</p>
<p>"'Got what he wanted from you'? What do you mean?"</p>
<p>I looked up at her and tried to make her see what I meant without actually saying it. I felt my face get hot as I blushed.</p>
<p>"You had sex with him?" She asked coolly. I was appreciative of her nonchalance.</p>
<p>I nodded. "Yeah… A week ago."</p>
<p>"And that was something <em>you</em> wanted to do?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I definitely initiated it." I smiled for a brief second at the memory then tightened my arm from the pain of recalling the event.</p>
<p>"And he was… respectful and nice to you?"</p>
<p>"Yes. It was perfect; he is perfect." More agony. I focused on taking some deep breaths and hunched forward.</p>
<p>Again, I wondered if my trauma with Mike clouded my judgement about Jacob. Jacob has been through so much trauma… I couldn't even imagine the pain of losing a parent so young, resulting in your other parent becoming abusive… Of course he was trying to numb his feelings by drinking – especially if he wasn't <em>really</em> getting the proper help that he needed!</p>
<p>Maybe I needed to be more understanding, more empathetic, more patient… Maybe he needed me not to give up on him.</p>
<p>"What happened when you fell in the sand? You said you remembered all the stuff you've been learning?"</p>
<p>"Yes. It was like I just decided that I deserved better… Even though I love Jacob," I reached up and wiped my eyes. "I felt like he needed to work on some things before we could have a healthy relationship… Now that I am telling it to you, though, I am wondering if I was too harsh on him… But in that moment, I just got really scared and triggered. I never want to be in a relationship where someone hurts me again… And even though I don't believe Jacob would ever physically hurt me, it kind of felt like he could in that moment… I don't know. I'm so confused."</p>
<p>Stevie reached forward enough until she could place her hand on top of mine. "Bella, you are so strong. It sounds like Jacob really needs to get the proper help to work through his traumas; maybe this situation is going to open that door for him… And, as far as having sex goes, as long as it's what <em>you</em> want to do, you should do it. Our society has made sex this taboo thing for women, which fucking sucks. If you want to have sex, and you're being responsible about it, do it."</p>
<p>I looked up at her and nodded. "Thanks, Stevie… I appreciate all that you teach me."</p>
<p>It felt nice to have a woman's perspective on everything. I didn't feel like I could open up to Quil or my dad about all the details of what happened with Jacob. My mom would have been too emotional and erratic. I thought about talking to Angela next week, but I hadn't decided if I was going to or not yet.</p>
<p>She nodded then sat back up. "Of course. I'm always here if you need anything, Bella. Do you mind if we go downstairs while we talk about Jacob and his dad? Leah is downstairs with your dad, and she might be able to help, too."</p>
<p>I shook my head. "No, I don't mind." We both stood up and walked downstairs into the living room. The woman talking to my dad stood up when she noticed us walking into the room.</p>
<p>"Bella, this is my partner, Leah," Stevie smiled at Leah. I could instantly feel their strong connection. "Leah, this is Bella, Charlie's daughter."</p>
<p>Leah held her hand out to me to shake before we sat down. "It's nice to meet you, Bella. Stevie's told me all about you; she adores you."</p>
<p>I felt myself blush. "It's nice to meet you, too. And Stevie is the great one."</p>
<p>"I'm as great as the women beside me." Stevie answered before she and Leah sat on the sofa together. Charlie and I sat in the armchairs across from them.</p>
<p>Stevie reached into her back pocket and pulled out a pocket notebook. Leah smiled as she handed her a pen from her bag. "Bella, Charlie said that Jacob's disclosed some physical abuse from his father? Can you tell us what you know?" Stevie asked.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath before I told them all that I told Charlie earlier. When I was finished, it was quiet as Stevie scribbled down my statement.</p>
<p>"How old is Jacob?" Leah asked.</p>
<p>"16." I responded.</p>
<p>"Do you know if he has any other family around besides his father and Quil?" Stevie asked.</p>
<p>"He mentioned that his older sister, Rachel, is moving back here with her husband, Paul, in a couple months. I think in the summer. They're both in college and graduate at the end of this semester, I think."</p>
<p>"Do you know how long the abuse has been happening?" Leah asked.</p>
<p>"Jacob told me that things got bad with his dad after his mom died… His mom died nine years ago, so since he was about seven years old, I guess."</p>
<p>I heard Charlie sigh. I looked over at him. He shook his head, and his face was red again. He was visibly angry about Jacob's dad. I couldn't blame him.</p>
<p>"I don't think I have any other questions. Do you, Lee?" Stevie asked, looking to Leah.</p>
<p>She shook her head. "No."</p>
<p>"What will happen now?" I asked.</p>
<p>"Well, we have to investigate more. We'll probably go visit Jacob at the hospital to talk to him. Go speak with his father, go talk to Quil and Quil's aunt. Talk with Jacob's sister that lives close by. The good thing is that Jacob is safe right now while he's in the hospital. We just have to figure out how to keep him safe once he's discharged." Leah answered.</p>
<p>I nodded. "Okay."</p>
<p>Stevie and Leah left soon after our conversation. Charlie and I ate dinner together before I went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for bed. Once I was out of the shower, I curled up on my bed and sent a text to Quil:</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm not in as much trouble as I anticipated. I'm only grounded for the weekend. Maybe we can hang out and do homework together next week?</em>
</p>
<p>After messaging him, I grabbed the book that I was supposed to be reading for school – <em>Lord of the Flies</em>. I had to write a paper on the book this weekend that was due to Tuesday. Before I knew it, though, I was fast asleep.</p>
<p>. . . . . . . .</p>
<p>I woke up when I felt someone sit on the edge of my bed. I rolled over and opened my eyes groggily. I blinked a couple of times as Charlie put his hand on my arm. Once I took in his expression, I immediately sat up. Something wasn't right.</p>
<p>"Dad? What is it? What's wrong?" I was instantly fully awake as adrenaline and cortisol flooded through my veins. Charlie's face was slightly scrunched up, like he was going to cry. I don't think I have ever seen my dad cry before. Something bad happened. I could feel it. All the hair on my arms stood straight up.</p>
<p>"Dad?" I tried again. I had to know what it was. "Is it mom? Is she okay?"</p>
<p>He shook his head. "No, Bella. Your mom is fine."</p>
<p>"What's going on then?" I asked desperately.</p>
<p>He reached out and held one of my hands. "Honey…" He choked on a sob. I squeezed his hand as I stared at him, wide-eyed. "Something happened last night. Something bad."</p>
<p>I waited while he took another deep breath. "Your friend, Quil… He… He killed himself last night, honey."</p>
<p>"What!" I yelled hysterically. "What are you talking about? No! No, he didn't! He's fine! He's fine! <em>Why</em> would you say something like that!?"</p>
<p>I started to scramble to get out of bed. Quil was fine. I just saw him yesterday. He was fine yesterday. I would go see him right now, and we would play more video games and go eat pancakes. He would tell me more jokes while we walked on the beach…</p>
<p>"Bella…" My dad said as he placed his hands on my shoulders, stopping me from getting up. "Honey, he's gone… I'm so, so sorry, baby."</p>
<p>"No," I said weakly before feeling the hot tears flood down my cheeks. "No, no, no, no…"</p>
<p>The last thing I remembered was Charlie pulling me into a tight hug while I screamed.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>A/N: I don't think my beloved blink-182 will mind me re-naming their song, just this once, to "Quil's Song." :(</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Mad World" by Gary Jules &amp; Michael Andrews</strong><em><br/>Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow<br/>No tomorrow, no tomorrow</em></p>
<p>
  <em>And I find it kinda funny<br/></em>
  <em>I find it kinda sad</em><br/>The dreams in which I'm dying<br/>
  <em>Are the best I've ever had</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>Life sucks.</p>
<p>Everything is dark.</p>
<p>I don't want to wake up.</p>
<p>Nothing makes sense anymore.</p>
<p>Everything hurts.</p>
<p>Nothing is fair.</p>
<p>The end.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>A/N: This is a rough chapter… Grief is one of the hardest traumas to endure. Make sure you're in a good headspace before diving in.</strong>
</p><hr/><p>"<strong>seven" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>Please picture me in the trees<br/>I hit my peak at seven</em></p><p>
  <em>Are there still beautiful things?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I've been meaning to tell you<br/>I think your house is haunted<br/>Your dad is always mad, and that must be why<br/>And I think you should come live with me<br/>And we can be pirates<br/>Then you won't have to cry<br/>Or hide in the closet<br/>And just like a folk song<br/>Our love will be passed on</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please picture me in the weeds<br/>Before I learned civility<br/>I used to scream ferociously<br/>Any time I wanted</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Although I can't recall your face<br/>I still got love for you</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p><p>I woke up this morning despite my best wishes not to.</p><p>I guess I had to wake up. Just for today. I had to go to my friend's funeral.</p><p>Then I could sleep again. Although, I didn't think I was really sleeping. Just floating. I was checked out, or "dissociative," as Maddie told me when I was in the hospital. Or when I talked to her on the phone… I think she called me this week. I couldn't remember. And I didn't care.</p><p>The hospital where Maddie worked. The hospital where I met Quil.</p><p>I started crying while shampooing my hair in the shower. I slumped over as the water ran down, getting soap in my eyes. Good, I deserved soap in my eyes. Quil was dead because of me. All the signs were there, and I missed them. I was supposed to be his friend, and I didn't keep him safe. I hated myself. I hated the world. I hated every-fucking-thing.</p><p>I just wanted to go to sleep and escape this nightmare. But sleeping was the enemy right now. I quickly realized that once you fell asleep, you had to wake up. And when you woke up, you had the crippling pain that was grief hit you like a ton of bricks all over again. Sleep was the escape but waking up was like being hit with grief again for the first time; it was a double-edged sword.</p><p>"Bell," my dad knocked on the bathroom door. "You okay?"</p><p>I sniffed and stood back up as I started to rinse the rest of the shampoo from my hair. "Yeah, I'm fine, dad. I'll be out soon."</p><p>I couldn't remember much of the past week, but what I did remember was Charlie's terror about this situation. I think it was a reality check for him that I could have been the one who died. I wished I was. Quil was too good. He should still be here, not me.</p><p>I finished in the shower quickly to ease Charlie's anxiety. I went to my room to get dressed. I pulled on a black dress that wasn't me at all. I had a vague memory of Angela coming over to visit me sometime in the last several days and picking it out of my closet for me to wear. She had been bringing over my homework, I think.</p><p>I hadn't been to school since the day before I ditched with Quil. The day that Quil was smoking and making comments about dying that I didn't take seriously because he was never serious. Well, that day he was fucking serious, and I missed all the signs. Instead, I complained about my pain over breaking up with Jacob. Quil had worse pain, and I wasn't there for him. I deserved to never have any friends again.</p><p>I dried my hair because it was soaking wet, and I didn't want to stand in front of a room full of people with it dripping everywhere. I guess I still cared a little bit. I wasn't sure sure why. Nothing really mattered anymore, did it?</p><p>I grabbed a small purse from my closet and shoved my folded piece of paper into it. Quil's aunt asked me if I wanted to speak at the funeral. Of course I didn't want to. But how could I say no? I had to. It felt like the last thing I could do for Quil. So, I dragged myself to my desk last night and wrote something down. I wasn't even sure what the paper said, to be honest.</p><p>I walked down the stairs when I was ready. Charlie was sitting at the table. He was dressed up, too. He looked nice. I just wished it wasn't this particular occasion that I saw him cleaned up for.</p><p>"Sit," Charlie instructed, nodding toward the chair. "Eat."</p><p>I shook my head. "I can't. My stomach –"</p><p>"It's not up for debate, Bell," he said sternly. "You've barely eaten all week. Now, sit down, please."</p><p>I sighed and slumped into the chair. I picked up the fork and forced myself to eat the scrambled eggs and toast that were on the plate in front of me.</p><p>When I was finished, Charlie cleaned up the dishes and asked if I was ready to leave. I nodded. We made our way out the door and into his patrol car as we drove to the little church on the La Push reservation.</p><p>I stared out the window and watched the trees blaze past me. I felt like I was in my fog again; it felt safer than the harsh reality that was about to hit me.</p><p>I didn't get out of the car when Charlie parked. I just focused on taking deep breaths as I watched people file into the church. Charlie eventually got out and came around to open my door. I guess I had to get out now. We walked inside together. Someone handed us a program for the service.</p><p>The lobby area was set up with pictures of Quil from him as an infant all the way through his teenager-self. He was only 16.</p><p><em>16</em>.</p><p>He would never get married, have kids, graduate high school, go to college… Nothing. There was <em>nothing</em> else for him. Just these pictures that showed only 16 fucking years.</p><p><em>There would be no happy ending</em>.</p><p>I walked over and scrutinized each picture meticulously. I wanted to piece them all together like a movie I could watch over and over to remember Quil's life. To find the <em>meaning</em> in his life. He was here for a purpose, right? Was that fulfilled in only 16 years?</p><p>Maybe, because Quil's soul was so pure and so kind, he finished his journey before the rest of us. Maybe I should feel happy and proud that he accomplished his life's mission in such a short time.</p><p>But, for now, I was going to be sad. Sad that there would be no more chapters written in his story. Sad that I wouldn't get to see his bright future. Sad that there would be no happily ever after.</p><p>I was aware of Charlie's close hovering. I guess I stared at the pictures for a long time because the next thing I knew, Charlie put his hand on my shoulder and said we needed to find our seats.</p><p>"Quil's aunt said we should sit somewhere in the first three rows since you're getting up to speak." Charlie muttered as we walked.</p><p>"Okay," I said as I followed him. I felt sick to my stomach as I saw the closed casket at the front of the church surrounded by a pool of flowers. My first thought was that Quil would have hated all of this. But I guess funerals are for the living, not for the dead.</p><p>Charlie slid into one of the pews near the front. I sat down next to him, close to the aisle, so I could get up whenever I was cued to do so. I relied on Charlie to nudge me when I was supposed to get up to talk. I didn't think I would be paying close enough attention to know.</p><p>I heard someone crying behind me. I shifted to look up the aisle. It was Heather, Quil's mom. She was walking in with Quil's aunt. His aunt had her her arm around Heather's waist as they walked toward the front of the church and sat down a couple rows in front of Charlie and me.</p><p>"How long until it starts?" I asked Charlie.</p><p>He looked at his watch. "Probably another five minutes or so."</p><p>I nodded before getting up and walking to the front pew. Heather looked up at me and started crying more. I sat down next to her, and we pulled each other into a hug. We didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I blamed Heather for Quil dying, but I knew how much Quil loved her. She had her problems like the rest of us. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child.</p><p>She pulled away and held my hands tightly for a moment. "Quil loved you so much. You and Jacob meant the world to him."</p><p>"I loved him, too. I'm so sorry." I said quickly as I sniffed and wiped my eyes. <em>I'm sorry I didn't notice the signs from your son. I should have kept him alive. This is my fault. </em>That's what I wanted to say but didn't because I was a coward.</p><p>As Heather turned away from me to grab a tissue, I saw the person I would have been anxious to see if I hadn't been so numb and foggy.</p><p>Jacob walked up to the pew with a woman who looked kind of like him. She was probably a little older than us and had the same beautiful, shiny black hair. I guessed it was his sister. Jacob didn't look at me as he sat down next to Quil's aunt on the other side of Heather. The woman I guessed was Jacob's sister sat next to him. A man, that I assumed was his sister's husband, sat next to her and held her hand. I didn't know how it would work for Jacob to be here since he was in the hospital when all this happened. I guess they let you out to go to your best friend's/cousin's funeral.</p><p>Heather reached across Quil's aunt and squeezed Jacob's hand. Jacob met Heather's gaze for a second and nodded lightly toward her. He had dark circles under his red-rimmed, puffy eyes. His expression was completely flat, probably similar to mine. My stomach knotted. Even though I felt pretty lifeless, seeing Jacob's pain made me hurt even more. I couldn't sit here any longer. If I did, I was probably going to throw up the breakfast Charlie forced me to eat.</p><p>I patted Heather's shoulder then stood up and walked back to my seat. Stevie was sitting next to Charlie. She was here for the moral support, I guessed.</p><p>The funeral started a few minutes later. The pastor/minister/whoever it was led us through a prayer, Quil's aunt read the eulogy, then we watched a slideshow of pictures. I focused on every one, again trying to understand. I couldn't make sense out of why this had to happen. What was the purpose of Quil's short life? Why was he taken away so early? I couldn't understand it.</p><p>And now I was angry. Angry that he was taken away. Angry that Quil left so many people hurting. Angry that this stupid funeral was cliché and superficial. Angry at Quil's mom for relapsing. Angry that Quil had a lousy father. Angry at my fucking self for not keeping Quil safe. Angry that I overreacted on the beach with Jacob. If Jacob never went back to the hospital, would Quil still be alive because Jacob would've been with him? This was my fault from so many different angles.</p><p>I guess I was crying again because I felt Charlie's arm wrap around my shoulders.</p><p>After the picture slideshow, the floor was opened up to anyone who wanted to talk. I assumed that was my cue to speak whenever the mic was free. Suddenly, the piece of paper in my purse felt extremely heavy. I didn't think I could get up.</p><p>I listened to several family members talk about Quil. I didn't know who any of them were. They all said really nice things and shared lighthearted stories about Quil when he was younger. After the last family member sat down, I didn't see anyone else move to get up. I reached into my purse and pulled out the crumbled paper before standing up. I saw Jacob stand in front of me, though, so I sat back down quickly.</p><p>He walked slowly over to the front of the room and stood behind the podium. I felt myself lean forward and laser focus on him. I didn't think I could feel any more pain but looking at him again made me feel complete and total agony – like razor blades were scrapping my insides. Jacob had lost so much, and now Quil was gone, too… Because of me. I caused him more trauma. I was a monster. Jacob was the best person I'd ever met; he didn't deserve all this anguish.</p><p>After today, I would leave him alone completely. He wouldn't have to see me ever again. If I never came into his life from the beginning, would things have turned out differently for Quil? In this moment, I thought they would have; grief is irrational.</p><p>He adjusted the microphone, so it was a little higher for him. He cleared his throat before looking up at everyone. "I think everyone here knows me, but I'm Jacob – Quil's cousin and best friend. I'm not sure I deserve that title anymore, but whatever… Quil and I were pretty inseparable since we were born because our moms were so close. All the good and bad things in my life always happened with him by my side. I remember when my mom died… Quil pretty much lived at my house with me for a couple months… Even though I never told him, I used to think of him as my savior. He was always there for me no matter what, no questions asked."</p><p>Jacob paused to swallow and clear his throat. "Quil used to say that he wanted to be seven years old again – back when life was easy and carefree. Well, here's to being seven, buddy. I wish we could go back to that age together," Jacob's voice cracked just as I felt more tears stream down my cheeks. He leaned forward, placed his elbow on the podium and put his hand over his eyes.</p><p>He stood back up after a couple of seconds. "You know, Quil would have hated all of this," Jacob waved his arm, gesturing to the room. A small smile creeped onto my face, but only for a fraction of a second. "He would want us to crack some jokes and move on… I wish it were that simple. I'm figuring out that life <em>doesn't</em> get to be simple or easy."</p><p>Jacob sighed again before reaching over and placing his hand on top of Quil's casket. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, buddy. It was my job to be your savior, too, and I failed…" He was crying again. "I'll never forgive myself for not being there for you when you needed me… This doesn't feel real. None of this makes any sense…" His other hand covered his eyes again.</p><p>Before I really even knew what I was doing, I stood up and walked to the front of the room toward Jacob. This was going against the revelation I just had about needing to leave him alone, but I couldn't stop myself. He didn't notice me at first because he was hunched forward, continuing to cover his eyes. He was still facing Quil's casket.</p><p>I set my paper on the podium then put my hand on his shoulder. He turned around while wiping his eyes. Our eyes connected for a second before we both reached out instantaneously and tangled into a tight embrace. I buried my face in his warm chest and let sobs come. I felt Jacob rest his cheek on top of my head as he cried, too. We tightened our arms around each other, and, despite all the heart-shattering pain, I finally felt secure and safe.</p><p>Maybe a minute later, we both pulled apart. Jacob squeezed my hands then went to go sit back down by the woman I thought was his sister. She pulled him into a tight hug once he sat down. He bent forward and let her hold him, kind of like he was a small child. My heart broke more. I reached for a tissue on one of the shelves under the podium and wiped my eyes before slowly opening my crinkled paper.</p><p>I swallowed and took a deep breath. I pulled the microphone down then stared at my messy handwriting. "I met Quil for the first time a few months ago when I was admitted to the mental health hospital in Port Angeles. With Jacob's persistence," I glanced at him briefly. "Quil and I became friends… And, although I only knew him for a few months, I would say he was one of my best friends."</p><p>I was crying again, so I took another deep breath before I continued reading. "When I was in the hospital, I read this book, <em>Looking for Alaska</em>. One of the main characters memorizes famous last words for people. His favorite last words were from Francois Rabelais. Francois' last words were, 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' So, the main character goes off to boarding school to search for his 'Great Perhaps,' and he finds it in the friendships he made there, one, in particular, with a girl who also died by suicide in the story…"</p><p>I reached over and touched Quil's casket just as Jacob had. "Quil was my 'Great Perhaps,' too…" I croaked. "He taught me how to not take life so seriously. He taught me how to be loyal and kind. He taught me how to always give people the benefit of the doubt. He also taught me some good jokes… I will love and miss him every fucking day of forever." I had to throw in the "fuck" for Quil.</p><p>I turned away from the podium and walked back to my spot in the pew next to Charlie. Stevie reached over and squeezed my hand. I looked over at her and nodded. I knew what she was silently telling me: <em>you showed up; you can do hard things</em>. I didn't know if I fully believed that anymore, but I was thankful she was here.</p><p>The funeral continued, but I didn't pay much attention. I was back in my daze. Although, I think reconnecting with Jacob a little bit brought me out of the heavy, thick fog that had taken over me the past week. I briefly thought back to when I was in the hospital and remembered that becoming friends with Jacob and Quil took the fog away then, too.</p><p>Quil's body was going to be cremated, so once the service was over, everyone was told they could go to Quil's aunt's house to be in community with his family. Once Charlie, Stevie, and I filed out of the church and climbed into our cars, we drove the short distance to the small house.</p><p>We got out and went inside. Everyone was pretty crammed in the tiny home. I found Heather and Quil's aunt easily. I hugged them both again. They said they appreciated my speech for Quil. There was a line of people behind me that wanted to offer condolences, so I turned to walk back to the little corner where Charlie and Stevie were.</p><p>"You're Bella, right?" I heard someone ask. I looked up and to my left. It was the woman who Jacob was sitting with earlier during the service.</p><p>"Yes," I responded as I stepped to the side to get out of the way of people that were trying to get around me.</p><p>She held her hand out to me with a thin, forced smile. "I'm Rachel, Jacob's sister. It's nice to meet you."</p><p>I tried to smile back. "It's nice to meet you, too."</p><p>"Thank you for looking out for my brother," she said sincerely. "He can be a handful sometimes."</p><p>I hadn't been lately, but I nodded anyway. "Yes, he <em>is</em> a handful, isn't he?"</p><p>"Yes," she laughed lightly. "I need to go check something in the kitchen, but it was really nice to meet you, Bella."</p><p>"You, too." I responded before turning to walk back toward my dad and Stevie. As I got across the room to them, I saw Stevie giving Jacob a hug. I didn't feel like exerting the energy needed to interact with either of them right now, so I ducked out the front door and went to sit on the steps where it was quiet and away from everyone else.</p><p>This was where I sat with Quil a little over a week ago. Where I caught him smoking. Where he told me everything that happened with Jacob. Where he told me funny jokes. Where he made the real comments about dying that I had mistaken for jokes… And now he was… Gone.</p><p>I rested my elbows down on my knees and covered my face in my hands as I let the memories flood my mind. I was never going to see my sweet, funny friend again. I missed him. I wanted him here to make everything feel better.</p><p>I heard the door open as someone stepped outside. I wanted to fucking scream at them. I just wanted to be left the fuck alone for like ten minutes. Since my dad told me what happened with Quil, he hadn't left me alone. No one had. I just needed some time to think.</p><p>I didn't look up to see who it was yet. I just recoiled from whoever it was when they sat down near me.</p><p>"I told your dad I was coming outside with you. He asked if I would bring you some food, but I'm gonna guess you're just as un-ravenous as me." I sat up quickly at Jacob's voice and wiped my eyes with my hands. He set a plate of food down in between us.</p><p>"You guessed right," I sniffed. "I'm the opposite of hungry."</p><p>He sighed. "Yeah."</p><p>We were both quiet after that. I wrapped my arms around my torso as I stared down at my shoes. I didn't have anything to say to Jacob right now. I just needed some time alone to organize my thoughts.</p><p>"I just wanted to come sit by you, I guess… I don't really want to talk. It's just so damn loud in there." Jacob said as he gestured toward the house. Once again, we were on exactly the same page.</p><p>"I agree. Can we just sit here together in silence for a while?" I asked. I looked up at him, and he nodded.</p><p>So, that's what we did. We didn't talk at all for the hour that we sat there together. But it was the most peaceful I'd felt in days. I didn't think about anything. My mind was finally able to be silent. Not distant or foggy anymore, just quiet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>"<strong>Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart<br/></strong><em>Nothin' is as it has been</em><em><br/></em><em>And I miss your face like hell</em><em><br/></em><em>And I guess it's just as well</em><em><br/></em><em>But I miss your face like hell</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>Rivers and roads</em>
        <em>
          <br/>
        </em>
        <em>Rivers and roads</em>
        <em>
          <br/>
        </em>
        <em>Rivers 'til I reach you</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>.~.</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<strong>I Almost Do" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>And I just wanna tell you<br/>It takes everything in me not to call you<br/>And I wish I could run to you<br/>And I hope you know that every time I don't<br/>I almost do,<br/></em><em>I almost do</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>Oh, we made quite a mess, babe<br/>It's probably better off this way</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>BPOV</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Three months later</em>
      </p>
      <p>"Bella, you're coming over to my house this weekend to work on our final project for English, right?" Angela asked as we walked to the parking lot after school. It was Friday afternoon and next week would be the last week of school before summer vacation.</p>
      <p>"Yes, Sunday at 1:00, right?" I asked.</p>
      <p>She smiled. "Yes. Jess will be there, too, so we can get it all finished," she waved as we walked up to her car "I'll see you Sunday."</p>
      <p>"Bye, Ang." I waved back before making my way to my truck. Angela and I had been hanging out quite a bit lately. She was a much better friend than I deserved. She'd kept my mind busy over the past few months with scheduling homework and coffee dates, inviting me over to her house for dinner, and dragging me shopping with her and Jessica. I was grateful for the distractions. If I didn't have them, my mind liked to slip back into the fog, or I would begin to feel the pain.</p>
      <p>Neither was a safe or productive place to be right now. Although, Maddie might disagree with me. I recalled my conversation with her this past Monday during my therapy session:</p>
      <p>"<em>Bella, it's been almost three months since Quil died… How are you feeling?"</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I remembered her question bringing me back to reality as I blinked. I realized I was spacing out as I stared down at the throw pillow I was clutching tightly against my chest. "Life is continuing, isn't it?"</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>It is, but that's not what I asked."</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I shrugged. "It feels like everyone is forgetting Quil, and I'm the only one that's not. If I feel the pain and let it go, then it will be like he never even existed… The pain is a reminder that he was real, that his life mattered."</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Maddie took a deep breath. "I understand where you're coming from, Bella… What did his life mean to you?"</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>I remembered looking up at her. "I don't know. I'm so fucking angry at myself that I can't think through that right now."</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>Be angry then, Bella. Feel that emotion first."</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I swallowed, trying to keep the tears away. I was so tired of crying. "Whenever I start to feel the anger, I just get mad at myself… I should have done more. I should have seen the signs. I… could have stopped him."</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Maddie let me blubber for several seconds before responding. "Bella, please hear me when I say this," she waited until I looked up at her. "You couldn't have stopped him. You were a good friend to him whether or not you believe it… When someone firmly decides to take their life, they are often very set in that decision and no one can change their mind. That's why people who are suicidal are often involuntarily taken to a hospital."</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>I wiped my eyes. "Well, if I took the signs seriously then he could have been brought to the hospital to get the help he needed."</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>No. You are blaming yourself again when that is illogical. Quil didn't want help anymore, Bella. Even if he came to the hospital, it would have been the same outcome eventually because he already made up his mind… Think about it this way – if Quil died of cancer, do you think you would feel as guilty?"</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I sniffed. "Probably not."</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>Try to think about it the same way. Quil had a severe depressive disorder, coupled with complex trauma. You couldn't save him from that just like you wouldn't have been able to save him if it was cancer that he'd died from."</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>That made me cry more. That meant I was powerless, that there was nothing I could have done to save my friend. Part of me knew she was right, but it didn't make me feel any better. Not right now, anyway. "I'm just so angry at him, at myself, at the world…" I choked out.</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>I know, Bella... I know," Maddie responded empathetically as I continued to sob.</em></p>
      <p>"<em>How can I get rid of this pain, Maddie? It's unbearable."</em></p>
      <p>"<em>You have to feel it to heal it, Bella. There's no easy, magical fix. You know that."</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I sighed. "Yeah. I think I'll just live in my fog forever, then. Or distract myself."</em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em>Distraction can sometimes be helpful in the short-term, but the feelings will always creep back up until you acknowledge and process them."</em></p>
      <p>
        <em>I sighed again. "You're a party pooper today, Maddie." I said somewhat lightheartedly as I leaned forward to grab a tissue off her coffee table.</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>She smiled. "That's a piece of Quil that you will always have with you – your humor."</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>I smiled, too. "Yeah, that's true." My smile quickly faded as that made me think of my other lost friend that I hadn't spoken to since Quil's funeral. My other warm, sunny friend who could make me smile and laugh in a similar way that Quil could. My other friend who sent a different type of stabbing pain through my body whenever I thought about him…</em>
      </p>
      <p>I shook my head, coming back to reality. As I started the drive home and thought more about my last session with Maddie, I made a different turn out of the school parking lot. For whatever reason, I had an epiphany about what might help me release the anger that kept getting stirred up in my body.</p>
      <p>. . . . . . . . . .</p>
      <p>I parked outside the police station. I knew that Stevie was often free this time of day; she was usually in the back of the police station in the garage, taking out her frustrations on one of the punching bags before heading home to Leah. That's what I needed right now – Stevie to help me wail on a punching bag and release all the pent-up emotion. It worked before with Mike, so maybe it would help now, too.</p>
      <p>I hadn't gone to the women self-defense classes since Quil died. I didn't have much motivation to do anything, and Charlie wasn't being too pushy about it, thankfully.</p>
      <p>I strode to the back of the building where the garage was. I walked up to the door and peaked in through the little cut-out window. That's when I realized that I should have called first.</p>
      <p>Stevie was in the garage, but she wasn't alone… Jacob was in there with her. That was the first time I'd seen him in months. I scrutinized them for several seconds. Jacob was wearing workout clothes and looked like he was out of breath. He was sipping water out of a paper cup while Stevie talked to him about something, and he nodded back to her. I couldn't hear what she was saying.</p>
      <p>I stood there, feeling paralyzed, as the razor-sharp pain rippled through my torso.</p>
      <p>I almost called Jacob a thousand times over the last few months, but I always convinced myself otherwise. Every time the thought of reaching out to him crossed my mind, which was often, it took everything in me not to follow through… I couldn't risk anymore goodbyes.</p>
      <p>And Jacob never contacted me, either. Part of me thought I deserved to live with the pain of losing both Jacob and Quil… Quil dying still felt like it was my fault, and that caused Jacob more loss, more pain. Coupling that with our stupid, irrelevant spat on the beach (it was funny how someone dying made you see what was really important and what wasn't)… And, well, Jacob wouldn't have gone back to the hospital if it weren't for that fight. And Quil would still be alive because Jacob would have been with him…</p>
      <p>Finally realizing that I probably looked like a Peeping Tom at a police station (not a good combo), I turned to walk back to the front of the building just as Stevie made eye contact with me. Her eyes slightly widened with recognition as I hurriedly glanced away. Not wanting to talk to either of them, and feeling incredibly awkward now, I started walking speedily back to my truck.</p>
      <p>"Bella! Bella, wait!" I heard Jacob's voice call after me. I walked quicker. "Stop for just a second, please!"</p>
      <p>I stopped and turned around abruptly. He caught up to me swiftly and was suddenly standing just a few feet away. I looked up at him. He appeared much better than the last time I saw him. He still looked haggard, but he was… brighter, I guess would be a good word.</p>
      <p>He seemed nervous as he lightly smiled. This was a cautious, sad smile. Even though it wasn't the stunning, heart-melting smile that haunted my nightmares, my heart still started racing. I had to remind myself to breathe when I realized I was holding my breath.</p>
      <p>I swallowed as I felt all the emotions beginning to creep in at full force. I missed him so much more than I wanted to admit to myself. I had an overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around him right now and burry myself in the comfort of his warmth. I wanted him to tilt my head up and kiss me until everything felt better. I wanted him to whisper that he loved me, tell me that everything was okay, that the last few months had just been a nightmare. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for everything that happened on the beach. I wanted to hold him until all his pain was gone, too.</p>
      <p>But I couldn't do any of those things because the last few months weren't just a nightmare; they were reality.</p>
      <p>"Listen, can we… talk?" Jacob asked. "Maybe tomorrow? I have something to show you, and I wanted to tell you about some things. We could meet at First Beach or –"</p>
      <p>"Yes." I said immediately, cutting him off.</p>
      <p>Maybe I would just see him this one last time – get whatever closure I could before distancing myself again… I owed him that, right?</p>
      <p>But why did everything always feel so much better when I was near him? Some invisible string always pulled us together… But I had to remember how that string didn't tie us into a perfect, pretty bow. The string was dark onyx, not shiny gold. Because of me. And Jacob deserved someone much better than me; someone who wasn't responsible for his best friend's death.</p>
      <p>He smiled his true smile then, which made my body react the way it used to. My heart rate picked up even more and butterflies filled my stomach as I felt myself grin back involuntarily. My body hadn't felt this alive in a long time.</p>
      <p>"Okay. What time works for you tomorrow?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Any time, really. I'll be free whenever."</p>
      <p>"Okay, maybe 11:00?"</p>
      <p>I nodded. "Sure. I'll meet you at the beach."</p>
      <p>"Okay," he said before pausing for a moment. "Did you need to come into the garage for something? I was leaving now, anyway."</p>
      <p>I shook my head. "Uh, no… I'll just talk to Stevie a different time."</p>
      <p>He nodded. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. See you tomorrow."</p>
      <p>We both lingered there for a second before finally turning and going our separate ways. I climbed into my truck and drove home. As soon as I parked, my cell phone started buzzing in my backpack. I reached for the bag and unzipped the front pocket. It was Stevie.</p>
      <p>"Hey, Stevie." I said into the phone as I got out of my truck and made my way up the driveway.</p>
      <p>"Hi, Bella. How are you?"</p>
      <p>"I'm okay. How are you?"</p>
      <p>"Good. I just wanted to talk to you about Jacob being here earlier and see what you needed. You didn't come back to the garage, so I just wanted to check on you."</p>
      <p>I opened the front door and walked into the house. I tossed my backpack onto the floor and plopped down on the couch. "I should have called before just stopping by, sorry… I wanted to wail on a punching bag for a while… See if that would help me feel a little less pissed off."</p>
      <p>"You don't have to call first, Bella. You haven't been to the women's class on Mondays in a while… Maybe you could start coming again? Or, if you don't feel up for the class yet, we can set up a different time for you to come by the garage."</p>
      <p>"No, actually, Mondays will be good again... I'll come this next week."</p>
      <p>"Good, the other ladies will be glad to see you again, and so will I," she paused for a second. "About Jacob being here earlier… He asked if he could explain it to you himself. He said that you're meeting with him tomorrow morning?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. As long as my dad lets me go, I'll see him tomorrow."</p>
      <p>"Okay, if you have any questions after you see him, you can call me… He's doing good, Bella. Well, as good as he can be right now, I think. He's a really good kid."</p>
      <p>"Thanks, Stevie… For everything."</p>
      <p>"Of course, Bella. Talk to you later. Have a good weekend."</p>
      <p>"Thanks. You, too. Bye." I hung up the phone and shifted so I was laying horizontally on the couch. I closed my eyes for a moment and wondered about Stevie and Jacob's friendship, if that's what it was. I remembered seeing them hug after Quil's funeral, too.</p>
      <p>I felt grateful for a moment as I thought of all the strong, supportive women that were surrounding me in my life – Angela, Maddie, Stevie… I don't think I would have gotten through the last several months without them.</p>
      <p>But I really missed Jacob, too; there was no denying that.</p>
      <p>Jacob said he had something to show me tomorrow when I saw him. Anxiety stirred in my stomach as I pondered what it could be. I didn't really have any good guesses. He also said he wanted to tell me about some things. I wondered what that was about, too.</p>
      <p>The only thing I knew for sure was that I felt a little giddy as I thought about seeing him tomorrow. I kind of gave up hope that we would ever talk again since it had been three months. I was glad I made the impulse decision to drive to the police station today after school.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>cardigan" by Taylor Swift<br/></strong><em>I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired<br/>And you'd be standin' in my front porch light<br/>And I knew you'd come back to me<br/>You'd come back to me<br/>And you'd come back to me<br/>And you'd come back</em></p>
<p><em>And when I felt like I was an old cardigan</em><br/>Under someone's bed<br/>You put me on and said I was your favorite</p>
<p>
  <strong>BPOV</strong>
</p>
<p>The next day, when I asked Charlie if I could go see Jacob in La Push, he was more than willing. In fact, he was almost insistent that I go. He probably just wanted me out of the house. I knew I'd probably been difficult to live with the past few months.</p>
<p>As I drove to La Push, I felt a lot of nostalgia. I hadn't driven anywhere near La Push in months… Not since Quil's funeral. I felt guilty about that. I probably should have checked on Quil's mom and aunt, but it just felt too hard, too intense. I was a coward.</p>
<p>As I pulled into the parking lot at First Beach, I saw Jacob standing on the sidewalk waiting for me. My body reacted similarly to yesterday – butterflies filled my stomach, and my heart started pounding. He had a beach blanket slung over his arm and was holding some kind of basket. He smiled when he saw me. I felt apprehensive all of a sudden as I forced myself to get out of my truck. I tucked my phone and keys into my pocket as I walked over to him.</p>
<p>"You came!" Jacob called enthusiastically once I was close enough.</p>
<p>"Of course I came," I responded, stopping a couple feet away from him. "What's all this?" I gestured to what he was holding.</p>
<p>He smiled. "Just stuff. C'mon," he waved his free arm and turned toward the beach. I followed beside him. We were quiet while we walked. He picked a random spot in the sand away from others. I was thankful that it was only overcast today, no rain yet. Jacob set the basket down, unfolded the blanket, and spread it out on the sand.</p>
<p>Butterflies continued to do somersaults in my stomach as Jacob smiled lightly at me before sitting down. I followed suit and sat down next to him.</p>
<p>It was awkwardly silent for a few seconds. "So… You said you wanted to tell me about some things?" I asked somewhat guardedly.</p>
<p>"Yes! Yes, I do…" Jacob shifted his weight around on the blanket and turned to face me more. I turned toward him. "I'm just not sure where to start. I feel like I have a long list of things to say, and I'm not sure how to say them."</p>
<p>An impulse came over me to reach out to him, but I wasn't sure if I should. I was coming into this meeting with the intent of giving us closure, right? That way Jacob could move on and be with someone new that wasn't responsible for causing him pain, like I was.</p>
<p>But as I looked up at him, I realized couldn't stop myself from reaching out to him. Jacob's pain was my pain, too. And it felt unbearable to not comfort him. I also realized that life was too fucking short to not do the things I wanted to do; that was something Quil's death taught me.</p>
<p>So, without any more overthinking, I reached over and put my hand on top of Jacob's. He looked down at our hands then up at me. I swear I saw him relax as he flipped his hand over and interlocked our fingers.</p>
<p>I felt myself blush as I scooted a little closer to him. "Start anywhere," I suggested in a whisper.</p>
<p>"Okay… Well, I guess I'll start with saying that I've missed you. So stinkin' much. I can't even explain how good it was to see you yesterday and how good it feels to hold your hand right now after all the shit I've put you through… I'm sorry it's taken me so long to talk to you. I was a mess for a while, and I wanted to make sure I was better, or better enough, before seeing you again."</p>
<p>"It's okay, Jake. I've missed you, too. I should have –"</p>
<p>"Wait, let me finish," he squeezed my hand. "You said, 'it's okay,' but that's the thing, Bella. It's not okay… That leads me to number two on my list," he reached for my other hand and squeezed it, too.</p>
<p>"That night I was supposed to go to your house for dinner… Well, I was a jerk. No, I was worse than that. I was an absolute asshole. I have to be honest and say that I don't remember everything that I said to you, but, from what I <em>do</em> remember, it was terrible. I didn't want to break up with you, not really. I was just so sad and drunk. And that's not a good excuse, but it's the truth. And then you thinking it was because we had sex… That wasn't it at all, Bella. Please believe me. That night with you was the best night of my life because I love you so much. And it wasn't even about the sex. It was just because I had all of you – I was yours and you were mine… And then when you fell in the sand – I swear I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never hurt you that way intentionally. Ever. And –"</p>
<p>"Geez, Jake," I cut him off. "Take a breath. Slow down." I said as I let go of his hands and put some pressure on his shoulders instead, trying to steady him.</p>
<p>He finally took a deep breath as he searched my eyes. "I am so, so sorry, Bella. <em>Please</em> believe that." He looked incredibly sincere and remorseful.</p>
<p>I already forgave him months ago. He should have communicated better with me, but I also shouldn't have given up on him so easily. Jacob's been through hell and back multiple times. And I got triggered because I was afraid of being in another abusive relationship. Not that I truly believed Jacob would ever intentionally hurt me, but my past with Mike made some parts of me overly cautious and worried.</p>
<p>"I believe you, and I already forgave you a long time ago," I held his hands again. "I'm sorry, too… I…" I took a deep breath. "I think I just panicked because I was afraid. I know you would never hurt me, but it felt like you <em>could</em> in that moment… It just triggered the stuff that happened with Mike, I guess."</p>
<p>"I know," Jacob said softly. "I remember the look on your face after you fell in the sand… It fucking haunts me. I'm so, so sorry that I ever made you afraid like that, Bella."</p>
<p>I shook my head. "But it wasn't you, Jake. I thought all the trauma with Mike was behind me, but I guess there's some pieces that will continue to trigger me for a while… And you were going through your own stuff, too… It was the anniversary of your mom's death, right?"</p>
<p>He looked at me confused, maybe wondering how I knew. "Yes… But I should have talked to you about it instead of just reacting and trying to numb myself away from the pain."</p>
<p>"Yes, you should have," I agreed. "But I understand why that would have been difficult for you."</p>
<p>"I will in the future. I swear... I mean, if there is a future with us?"</p>
<p>I avoided eye contact with him for a second as I tried to organize my thoughts around our interaction thus far. Jacob wanted a relationship with me <em>now</em>… But what about after I told him everything that happened with Quil? How Quil gave me so many signs, and I ignored them? And after I explained how all of this was my fault… Well, I didn't think he would still want a future with me.</p>
<p>I swallowed and cautiously peeked up at him. "I don't know, Jake… Let's talk some more." I said barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>"Right," he sighed. "Okay. That leads me to number three on my list, then. I'm living with my sister now."</p>
<p>"You are? Since when?"</p>
<p>"For about a week. She and Paul, my brother-in-law, graduated a couple weeks ago and moved back here last weekend. They have a little house not too far from here."</p>
<p>"That's so good, Jake… What've you been doing the last few months? I mean, without going to… <em>his</em> aunt's house?" I swallowed. Jake and I were tiptoeing around mentioning Quil. "Have you managed okay with your dad?"</p>
<p>He took a deep breath and fidgeted a little. "I've been staying with Stevie and her partner, Leah, since the funeral. Well, since a few days after the funeral, actually, when my sister left to go back to finish her last semester of school... I haven't seen my dad at all, and don't really have any plans to any time soon."</p>
<p>That was news to me. I felt my brows pull together in confusion. "You've been staying with Stevie and Leah!?"</p>
<p>"Yeah… They came to see me when I was in the hospital because some <em>little birdie</em> told my secrets to her dad." He nudged me playfully.</p>
<p>"I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not." Jacob laughed at my remark.</p>
<p>"It was the right thing to do. You're the brains, remember?" I don't think Jacob understood the massive significance of that comment until he said it out loud. I was the brains, Jacob was the good looks, Quil was the humor… No more three musketeers, just two of us now.</p>
<p>Jacob continued after several seconds. "They've been great – Stevie and Leah. They drove me to my therapy appointments when I left the hospital, helped me get my medication, drove me to school, to court… They're fucking saints. Stevie has been helping me learn kickboxing to release all my pent-up emotion. That's what I was doing with her yesterday at the police station."</p>
<p>Everything was starting to make more sense now. "Court?" I asked.</p>
<p>He sighed. "Yeah… for the drunk driving. I got off pretty easy. I'm on probation for a year and have to continue therapy. And I can't get my driver's license back until I turn 18."</p>
<p>I frowned at him. "Why on Earth would you, even in your drunk mind, think it would be okay to drive intoxicated!?"</p>
<p>He sighed. "Honestly?"</p>
<p>"Yes!"</p>
<p>"I was pretty pissed at myself for our fight… I just wanted to find you and fix things."</p>
<p>I reached up and held his face between both of my hands. "You will <em>never</em> do anything like that again! You cannot put yourself in danger like that! It was reckless, irresponsible, and downright stupid! I <em>can't</em> lose you, too!"</p>
<p>His expression changed, and he looked incredibly sad all of a sudden. "I know… It was the stupidest mistake of my life. I will never forgive myself for it."</p>
<p>I relaxed a little, but my brows furrowed in confusion again as I dropped my hands from his face. "Well, now, you're being too hard on yourself. You will learn from this and do better moving forward, right?"</p>
<p>"Well, yeah, in some ways. I'm going to work incredibly hard to stay sober. I'm not going to quit therapy or stop my meds anytime soon… But," he paused. When I looked up at him, his face looked pained. He was avoiding eye contact with me.</p>
<p>I shifted so that I was sitting beside him instead of in front of him. I curled in toward his chest as I wrapped one arm around his back and intertwined my fingers on my opposite hand with his. I rested my head below his shoulder as he hugged me closer to him with his arm.</p>
<p>"But what?" I asked softly.</p>
<p>"But… I can't take back what my accident led to."</p>
<p>I was still perplexed. "What do you mean?" I mumbled into his shirt.</p>
<p>He tightened his arm around me. "Bella… If I hadn't gone back to the hospital… Well," his voice cracked a little. "Quil would still be alive. I would have still been there with him every day. He never would have…"</p>
<p>"Oh, Jake," I said as I squeezed him tighter for a second before pulling away to look at his face. He had it backwards. If I hadn't gotten triggered and left him on the beach after our fight, he never would have driven. "That's not true at all… Wait, are you all healed from your injuries from the car accident? When I saw Quil, he told me you had a concussion and bruised ribs."</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm fine… Wait," Jacob shifted so he could look at me closer. "When did you see Quil!?"</p>
<p>I swallowed. "The day after our fight… Friday. We ditched school together…" I trailed off as I sat up and scooted away from Jacob more; I didn't deserve his warmth because it was my turn to explain now. I had to tell him why Quil's death was really my fault, not his.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. "All the signs were there," I squeaked before choking on a sob. "I missed them… I should have kept him safe, and I didn't. I was probably the last person he saw, the last person he was trying to confide in… I'm sorry, Jake. I should have… I should have –" I turned away from him and covered my face with my hands.</p>
<p>I felt Jacob's hand on my knee, but I recoiled from his touch. I didn't want him to console me. "Bella, what do you mean? What signs?" He asked gently.</p>
<p>I swallowed and cleared my throat. "He… he kept making cryptic jokes and comments about dying and no one really needing him. He gave me this weird, tight hug when I left to go home… He was smoking fucking cigarettes… You were in the hospital, and I was there with him. It was my job to keep him safe, to take his comments seriously… And I didn't… I'm so, so… sorry." I tried to wipe my eyes, but more tears kept flowing. I avoided eye contact with Jacob and buried my face in my hands again.</p>
<p>The next thing I knew, Jacob's arms wrapped tightly around me as he crushed me against his chest. I tried to push away from him. "No… I don't deserve… your comfort," I choked out as I pressed my hands into him, trying to create distance between us.</p>
<p>"Shh… It's okay, Bella," I could hear in his voice that he was crying, too. I gave up the thrashing and let myself go limp against him while he held me. I nuzzled into his chest as my tears soaked his shirt. "None of this is your fault."</p>
<p>"Yes, it is..." I croaked. We sat there holding each other for quite a while as we both cried.</p>
<p>Jacob rubbed my back and kissed my head. "Bella, there's no way you could've known if Quil was joking or being serious with those things." I shrugged. "What did you mean when you said you 'didn't deserve' my comfort?"</p>
<p>I sniffed and wiped my eyes before sitting up. "I've caused you more than enough trouble, Jake… I came here today with the intension of us getting closure, so you could move on. I've made a big mess out of things. That's why I haven't called or reached out to you. I want you to move on with someone better… Someone who isn't responsible for causing you so much pain."</p>
<p>"Oh, Bella," Jacob said as he reached for me again, but this time he held my face between his hands. "Don't you get it? You're the only person that helps to take my pain <em>away</em>."</p>
<p>As I listened to his heartfelt words, more tears filled my eyes. Did he still want me now, even after explaining everything to him? Were we going to move through all this pain together instead of separately? It felt much more manageable that way.</p>
<p>"Close your eyes," I whispered.</p>
<p>He did as I requested almost immediately. I wasn't sure where my assurance was coming from, but I wasn't about to let it falter. With his hands still holding my face, I reached toward him and rested my hands on his hips. I leaned forward and turned my head slightly to the side, pressing my lips gently to his.</p>
<p>He responded immediately and pressed his own lips firmly into mine. One of his hands stayed cupping my face while the other moved around my back and pulled me closer to him. Our lips slowly danced in a familiar, electric, healing way. My entire body lit up and finally felt fully alive again. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, something I had dreamed about doing again for months.</p>
<p>We both pulled away slowly. That reconciliation was exactly what I'd needed. I was panting, trying to catch my breath.</p>
<p>"Wow," Jacob whispered. "I forgot how good you were at that."</p>
<p>"'Wow' is an understatement." I murmured back before leaning forward and pecking his lips once more.</p>
<p>He chuckled. "I don't know if I remember what else I wanted to say now." He brushed my hair back from my face.</p>
<p>I laughed. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed. "I'll give you a second to recover."</p>
<p>Jacob sighed. "I don't want you to think Quil's death is your fault."</p>
<p>"I don't know if that's going to change anytime soon," I mumbled.</p>
<p>"Yeah, well, I guess we both feel guilty as fuck…" He sighed again. "We're at the end of my list of things to tell you now… I have a letter from Quil that's addressed to both of us. I haven't opened it. I was waiting to read it with you. That's the thing I wanted to show you."</p>
<p>"What!?" I sat up straight and stared at him wide-eyed. "Where is it!?"</p>
<p>He nodded toward the picnic basket. "It's in there. Quil's aunt gave it to me after the funeral. He left it on his desk in his room."</p>
<p>I lunged toward the picnic basket and threw it open. One last thing from my dear, sweet friend. One last piece of him after three treacherous months of grief. I was perplexed by all the random things in the basket. Jacob must have picked up on my confusion. "All of that is some of Quil's stuff… I thought you might want a memento or something."</p>
<p>As I carefully rummaged through the things in the picnic basket, I found what I wanted immediately. It was the framed picture of Jacob and Quil when they were little kids with their moms on the background. I carefully lifted the picture frame from the picnic basket and marveled at it. This was the Quil that was truly happy, carefree, and full of life. The Quil I got to know and love had moments of joy and contentment, I think, but this fucked up world wrapped its fingers around him and squeezed until he had no more fight inside of him. He only felt the darkness… But <em>this</em> picture – it was full of light and love and jubilation.</p>
<p>I wanted to remember both parts of Quil – this joyous little seven-year-old and the tormented sixteen-year-old that couldn't find the hope anymore… I remembered Quil saying, "We all find the inevitable doom at some point. Some of us just take longer to get there than others." Maybe Quil was right. But I think he was missing something. We all have to learn to find light in the dark moments in order to have hope. But we also have to find the dark in the light moments in order to have empathy and understanding. We needed both.</p>
<p>Maybe this picture could remind me to find the light in the moments when things felt too gloomy.</p>
<p>"I thought that might be what you'd want." I heard Jacob behind me.</p>
<p>I turned around to look at him. "Are you sure you don't want this, though? I mean, it's of the two of you with your moms. I don't want to take something that would mean more to you."</p>
<p>"Don't be silly, Bella. I have so many other things, it's ridiculous. The picture's yours and anything else you want, too."</p>
<p>"Thanks." I set it down on the blanket before searching through the picnic basket again. I found the letter in a plain, white envelope. It was sealed. When I turned it around, it was addressed to Jacob and me in messy, ink-smeared handwriting. I slowly traced the writing with my finger. <em>Quil…</em></p>
<p>"We don't have to open it now if you don't want to." Jacob said quietly. I turned around again. He was uneasy. I looked away and back down at the letter. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open it now or not. I desperately wanted to know what Quil wrote to us, but I was also hyperaware that this could be the last little piece of him. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face that reality.</p>
<p>When I looked back up at Jacob, his eyes were already on my face. I scooted closer to him again, and he wrapped an arm around me. Doing this with Jacob next to me felt more manageable. I was ready for my life to move forward – not to forget Quil, but just to feel some happiness again and to remember him as wholeheartedly as I could.</p>
<p>"I think I want to read it now," I whispered. "Do you?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Jacob answered quickly.</p>
<p>I handed him the envelope. "You open it." My heart started pounding as Jacob turned the envelope over and carefully tore it open. I felt queasy.</p>
<p>He pulled out the folded piece of notebook paper. "Ready?" He asked as he tightened his arm around me, pulling me closer into his side.</p>
<p>"Yes." I responded with little confidence. Jacob unfolded the paper and held it in between us.</p>
<p>
  <em>Bella and Jacob,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I had to write Bella's name first because I told her I was Team Bella in that stupid fight the two of you had on the beach yesterday. Jake, Bella's the smart one, so make sure you stop being a jerk and get your shit together. And Bella, remember to cut Jake some slack; he's been through hell and back, and he's still the best guy I know (but don't hesitate to kick his ass if needed since I won't be around to do it).</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I wanted to write this letter to both of you together because part of me wanted to make sure you found your way back to each other. So, if you haven't reconciled yet, please figure it the fuck out. I don't believe in anything anymore except for the two of you. So, don't fuck that up. But don't think I'm making your relationship a dying wish or some weird shit like that. I just want the two of you happy. And, as your fellow third wheel, I can say that the two of you are nauseatingly good together. Don't let your messed-up pasts get in the way.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm not going to make this elaborate. You both know that's not my style. So, here it is – I fucking hate life and don't want to live through it anymore. I decided this a long time ago and was just waiting for the right opportunity. I don't know if I have one specific reason – I'm just so fucking low and sad, and everything is dark and shitty and pointless. There's no meaning to anything anymore.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jake – there's </em>
  <em>nothing</em>
  <em> you could have said or done to stop me. I was just waiting for a window of time when you weren't here. But, even if you were here, I was going to figure out how to do it anyway. I just didn't want you to be the one to find me. I love you, man, you know that. Don't blame yourself for any of this. Thanks for a lifetime of friendship.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Bella – because you feel everything so damn deeply, I'm sure you're feeling guilty for this in some way, too. Please stop. If anything, you made me stay alive longer because you were such a great friend. You couldn't have done anything to stop me either. But, just know that if there are cigarettes in the afterlife, I am going to be smoking ALL of them, ALL day long. Just kidding.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Okay, that's it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe I'll see you on the other side one day (or not),</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Quil</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>Quiet" by Jason Mraz<br/></strong><em>I want to, I want to hold you</em></p><p>
  <em>E</em>
  <em>very once in a while, you know I get these real bad headaches<br/>Worried about the mistakes that I've made along the way<br/>You and I, we can't hide from the fact that we need each other<br/>How else will I recover when the fever comes again?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Temperatures rise, temperatures fall<br/>Will you be my constant through it all?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will hold your hand and watch the world spin madly 'round this life we're in<br/>Oh yeah everything goes quiet when it's you I'm with</em>
</p><p>.~.</p><p>"<strong>I Will Spend My Whole Life Loving You" by Imaginary Future &amp; Kina Grannis<br/></strong><em>And how, am I lucky enough to say<br/></em><em>Baby, isn't it crazy that we are born only to die?<br/></em><em>Oh, but lately, I've been counting my stars<br/></em>'<em>Cause I will spend my whole life loving you</em></p><p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p>
    <strong>BPOV</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>10 years later</em>
  </p>
  <p>I stretched my legs out long and gently fluttered my eyelids open. It was still dark. I glanced at the alarm clock – 5:45 a.m. I still had, at least, an hour before having to officially get up and get ready for work as an advocate at the sexual assault center.</p>
  <p>I must have fallen asleep early last night because I felt well-rested despite how early it was... Oh, that's right, I remembered now that I was trying to stay awake for Jacob to get home from work last night. I guess that hadn't happened. I was <em>so</em> tired the last couple of weeks. And Jacob had been getting home late lately. He opened his own auto repair shop about a year ago, and he was working overtime, trying to make sure things ran smoothly.</p>
  <p>I carefully rolled over and saw him lying on his back, sleeping soundly next to me. Even though it was early, I couldn't contain my excitement over the news I had to tell him; it was the reason I'd been trying to stay awake until he got home last night. I <em>had</em> to wake him up.</p>
  <p>I placed my hand on his bare chest and slowly traced the planes of his perfect abdomen. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. He didn't stir. I pushed myself up then slowly swung one of my legs over his body, so I was straddling his waist. My hands rested on his biceps as I leaned forward and peppered his jaw with slow, gentle kisses. I heard him take in a deeper breath, like he was slowly regaining consciousness. I rocked my hips forward, almost instantly feeling him grow beneath me. I smiled because I knew he was awake now.</p>
  <p>"Mmm, Bella…" He mumbled groggily as his hands came up to rest lightly on my hips.</p>
  <p>"Morning," I whispered before kissing my way to his lips.</p>
  <p>One of his hands traveled up the side of my body until it rested on my face, cupping my check as he eagerly returned the kiss. Even after all this time, Jacob's lips still made me lightheaded – even with morning breath. My lips parted and Jacob's tongue was instantly moving against my own. A moan escaped from the back of my throat as I rocked my hips forward again, craving more friction. Jacob always made my body respond in such electric, primal ways.</p>
  <p>I gently bit his bottom lip, knowing that it was one of his turn-ons. It caused him to thrust his hips up toward mine and kiss me with even more intensity. I broke away from the kiss, completely out of breath, and took my mouth down to his neck. I kissed and gently nibbled. Both of Jacob's hands were back on my hips. I rocked forward again.</p>
  <p>"Jesus, Bella…" Jacob murmured. "You're my new favorite alarm clock."</p>
  <p>I giggled as I kissed up to his ear. I let the tip of my tongue trace the ridges of his ear before gently nibbling on his ear lobe – another spot that drove him crazy. I thrusted my hips forward again. We were both only wearing our underwear, but even that small amount of fabric was starting to feel like a massive barrier. My T-shirt was also begging to be thrown onto the floor so Jacob could kiss and suck my bare nipples with his warm, amazing mouth…</p>
  <p>"Fuck… To what do I owe this pleasure?" Jacob asked playfully. I smiled at his comment then remembered the real reason I was waking him up.</p>
  <p>"I have something to tell you." I whispered as I lifted my head up to look at him. He opened his dark brown eyes that suddenly looked concerned. One of his hands moved from my hip to brush my hair back from my eyes.</p>
  <p>"What is it?" He asked. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. "Is it about your doctor's appointment yesterday? I didn't want to wake you up when I got home last night. I knew I should've gone with you. Did you figure out why you've been throwing up so much?"</p>
  <p>"Jake," I reached up and touched his face. I balanced my weight with one hand that was still resting on his arm. "Everything's perfect… More than perfect, actually. Wonderful might be a better word."</p>
  <p>"Then what is it?"</p>
  <p>I smiled and leaned down to peck his lips once before explaining. "Well, the doctor had a pretty good idea what was causing all the symptoms. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it… They had me take a pregnancy test, and it was positive… Jake, I'm pregnant."</p>
  <p>"What!" He yelled enthusiastically as he sat straight up and wrapped his arms around my back. I was still straddling him as he crushed me into a hug. I laughed as my arms wrapped around his neck. After a few seconds, Jacob pulled slightly away to look at me. "How far along are you? What else did the doctor say? How are you feeling now?"</p>
  <p>I laughed again at all his quickly-asked questions. He was as excited as me, which was a relief. This wasn't something we were necessarily planning for. "They just told me to make an appointment with my OB/GYN, but I'm probably only seven or eight weeks along. I feel amazing, Jake. I am so, so happy… I know we didn't plan for this, but –" He cut me off by pressing his lips to mine in another passionate kiss.</p>
  <p>"I don't think I've ever been so happy," kiss. "In my entire life," kiss. "Well, except for," kiss. "When you married me," kiss.</p>
  <p>Both of my hands cupped his face. "Yeah?"</p>
  <p>"Yes! Bella, this is incredible. I am over the moon!"</p>
  <p>I grinned before urgently pressing my lips back to his. One of the other side effects of my pregnancy so far had been a huge increase in my sex drive. And I needed Jacob right here, right now, more than ever. I liked to think that we had an amazing sex life before my pregnancy, but we were like rabbits again the last couple of weeks – never getting enough, never being satisfied, completely insatiable. I deepened the kiss then broke away for a few seconds to lift my shirt up and over my head. I pushed against his shoulders for him to lie back down.</p>
  <p>He understood the signal, thankfully, and laid on his back. I pressed my bare chest against his as I found his lips again with my own. My breasts had been more sensitive lately and pressing them against Jacob's warm chest now felt amazing. My underwear instantly got wet with desire. I ran my fingers up and down Jacob's arms, marveling at the strong muscles that held me so tenderly.</p>
  <p>One of Jacob's hands was running up and down my back while the other gripped my bottom. I wanted that hand to travel up to my chest, but Jacob was all about taking things slowly. He was the king of foreplay, which was usually great, but I needed him a little quicker today.</p>
  <p>I shifted up and angled one of my breasts right over his mouth. The hand that was on my back immediately came up to hold my breast as he kissed all around my nipple. I shifted again, begging him. He lightly flicked his tongue a few times before taking my nipple into his mouth and sucking. My breathing picked up as the throbbing in between my legs intensified and felt even wetter. His teeth gently tugged at my nipple.</p>
  <p>"Oh, Jake…" I wiggled slightly so he could pay attention to my other breast, too. His other hand traveled up and lightly pinched my nipple while he took the other one in his mouth, making me moan again. He was so fucking good. He knew my body so well.</p>
  <p>I leaned back down to kiss him as he continued to massage my breasts in his hands and softly pinch my nipples more. I started to assault his neck with more kisses. I made my way to his other ear and bit his earlobe before licking the outer part of his ear. I heard his breathing become jagged as he gripped my bottom again, now with both hands, and thrusted his hips up into mine. His erection pressed roughly against my center and I gasped. His boxers <em>had</em> to come off now.</p>
  <p>I scrambled back to his lips and kissed him quickly before kissing down his body. Immediately, my fingers went to the waistband of his boxers. He lifted his hips, and I pushed them down. He kicked them all the way off. I swiftly kissed right below his bellybutton and the tops of his thighs.</p>
  <p>I took the head of his penis into my mouth and swirled my tongue. "Fuck, Bella." Jacob groaned above me. His head fell back against the pillow.</p>
  <p>I licked his length a few times then pushed him all the way into my mouth, which was hard because Jacob was huge. He pushed himself up with those strong, muscular arms of his so he could try to watch me suck him even though it was dark in the room. I looked up at him as I pulsed my head slowly up and down several times, knowing that drove him crazy. He grunted as he reached down and pinched one of my nipples again, making a moan vibrate in the back of my throat. He groaned as I used my hand to help stroke him a few more times.</p>
  <p>I kissed the tip of his penis before taking my mouth down to his balls. I gently kissed and licked them before taking each one into my mouth. Jacob moaned again, which made my underwear feel incredibly wet and uncomfortable. I was so aroused and needed him to help me get rid of the massive ache.</p>
  <p>I kissed up his body and he immediately held my face and kissed me. "Take off your underwear," he whispered. I did as I was told quickly.</p>
  <p>He held my hips as I melted our lips together in an urgent kiss. I reached down in between us and held on to his penis to position it at my center. I leaned back slowly until he was all the way inside me. It was pure bliss.</p>
  <p>"Ahh… Jake…" I breathed as I leaned down to kiss him again. I sat back up and held on to his shoulders as I pumped my hips up and down.</p>
  <p>"Bella," Jacob moaned as he reached up and held one of my breasts. He loved the way they bounced when I was riding him. After a moment, Jacob's other hand gripped my hip to slow my movements down. "Come up here… I need to taste you."</p>
  <p>I slowly lifted up until he was no longer inside me then eagerly scrambled to follow his direction. I gripped the headboard as I positioned my legs on either side of his head, my center right above his mouth. He turned his head and kissed my inner thigh before making his way up to my outer lips. He slowly kissed and licked the sensitive skin there before turning to my other thigh. I felt like I was going to explode. I didn't need him to rev up my engine any further. I was already at 150 mph thanks to the new pregnancy hormones.</p>
  <p>"Jacob… Jacob, please." I shifted myself so I was right above his mouth. One of his hands gripped my bottom again as his tongue finally made contact with my inner lips. He slowly licked from the bottom all the way up toward my clit where he swirled his tongue.</p>
  <p>I think I almost lost it already. "Jake!"</p>
  <p>I rocked my hips, begging for the sweet pleasure from his tongue to continue. It did, thank god. He continued licking in the same motion, knowing exactly what my body craved. Jacob's hand was suddenly there, too. He pushed a finger inside of me and started to suck my clit. An unintelligible moan escaped my mouth as I tightened my grip on the headboard to avoid falling over.</p>
  <p>He pulsed his finger in and out while he masterfully licked, flicked, and sucked my inner lips and clit. His other hand traveled up to one of my breasts, and he pinched my nipple. I was getting so fucking close now. He was so good.</p>
  <p>I started moving my hips more, griding along his perfect tongue. Closer… Closer… And then I flew over the edge. "Ohhh! Oh my… Jacob… Jacob! Ahh!"</p>
  <p>I rode my glorious orgasm to its end before hunching forward, trying to catch my breath and steady myself with my grasp on the headboard. After several seconds, I carefully swung my leg around and collapsed on my back beside Jake, my eyes closed as I tried to regain my composure. He was instantly on top of me, kissing me everywhere. I felt his eyes on my face, so I slowly fluttered my eyelids open.</p>
  <p>He smiled. "You are the sexiest woman alive, Mrs. Black."</p>
  <p>I blushed as he leaned down and kissed me. He kissed along my cheek before making his way to my neck. More longing ached between my legs as I reached down to hold on to Jacob's hips. I pulled him forward and thrusted my own hips up. I needed him to fill me up. And I needed it <em>now</em>. I wanted Jacob inside me, pounding me into next week. I tried to pull his hips up again, giving him the cue for my need. I needed him so badly, and he was taking far too long.</p>
  <p>I heard Jacob lightly chuckle against my neck, giving me goosebumps. "Patience, babe."</p>
  <p>"I don't have patience when my husband is so damn sexy," I think a small whimper escaped my mouth after that. "Please, I need you."</p>
  <p>He kissed up my neck on the opposite side. He pressed his lips to mine straightaway. I met him with more urgency and impatiently wrapped my legs around his waist. Jacob shifted slightly until his erection was right at my opening. He slowly pushed forward until he was fully inside of me. We both gasped. Geez, how did we ever get dressed and leave the house? This was just <em>too</em> fucking good.</p>
  <p>Jacob buried his face in my neck as he slowly thrusted in and out of me. "God, Bella... I love you so much."</p>
  <p>"I love you, too, Jake." I said breathlessly.</p>
  <p>I tightened my legs around him and urged him to move quicker. I met each of his thrusts with my own. He understood my cue and didn't make me wait this time as he began moving in and out of me faster and harder.</p>
  <p>"Keep going, Jake… Keep going… Ahh," I moaned. My hands rested around his back as I continued to urge him forward. I was getting close again. He could tell, so he started moving even quicker. "Jake! Jake! Ohhhh!" I cried as my muscles tightened, fingers dug into his back, and I found my second release from the most amazing man in the entire world.</p>
  <p>I felt my walls constrict around him, which was always what did it for him. "Fuck, Bella… Bella…Uhhh," Jacob groaned as he thrusted into me a few more times. I felt his warm liquid fill me up, sending another tingling sensation through me.</p>
  <p>Jacob collapsed on top of me as he buried his head into my neck again. We were both panting as I lazily ran my fingers up and down his back. I turned my head and kissed Jacob's cheek. He shifted so he was supporting more of his weight again. He leaned down and kissed me sweetly before slowly pulling out of me. He laid on his back and immediately pulled me against his side. I rested my cheek against his chest and rested my top leg on top of his. He wrapped his arm around my back and kept his lips in my hair. We were quiet.</p>
  <p>I let my mind wander in the comfortable, completely content silence. Jacob was happy that we were having a baby. Well, of course he was. But I'd still been nervous to tell him since it was a complete surprise. He said he had never been so happy except for when we got married. That was true for me, too. I thought back to that perfect, beautiful day a little over two years ago…</p>
  <p>"<em>Ready?" Jacob asked as he squeezed my hand.</em></p>
  <p>
    <em>I, honestly, had never felt more ready for anything in my entire life. I felt like my parents drilled into my mind that I shouldn't get married young, that I should go to college first, and really figure out who I was and what I wanted. Well, I did those things, but with Jacob by my side. Our love never changed, even after eight years together. I never wanted anyone else beside me while I walked through life – only him. And I knew he felt the same way about me, too.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>So, when I answered, "Yes," I meant it in more ways than one.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Jacob smiled my favorite smile before we both got out of the car and started walking, hand in hand, toward the beach. Our wedding day was far from traditional, which was why it was exactly perfect. Angela's father was already there – standing right in front of the waves – on that abnormally sunny, warm August afternoon.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Jacob and I arrived before everyone else. We walked up to Mr. Weber and he shook our hands. We slowly saw our friends and family arrive – Charlie, Rachel, Paul, Stevie, and Leah. That was all. We didn't want anyone else.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I remembered Jacob's huge grin when Mr. Weber told us to hold hands and face each other. I grinned back at him and had to resist the urge to lean forward and kiss him already. I remembered having something similar to tunnel vision – like I couldn't see anything or anyone else but him as we said our vows and exchanged our rings.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>He had just become the center of my world. And even though I thought marriage was silly, it didn't feel silly when I was doing it with Jacob. It felt completely right – like my life had been leading to this very moment with him; it sounds totally cliché, but it was 100% true.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And when Mr. Weber told Jacob he could kiss the bride, I remember him leaning forward with so much love in his eyes as he held my face and tenderly kissed me. Although I loved all of Jacob's kisses, there was something so special, so binding about that one. It was like our hearts were fused – soldered together in the most permanent way possible.</em>
  </p>
  <p>"What are you thinking about?" Jacob whispered as he ran his fingers up and down my back, bringing me out of the memory.</p>
  <p>I sighed in contentment. "Our wedding day, actually."</p>
  <p>"Hmm," I could hear the smile in Jacob's voice as his lips pressed to my head. "Anything specific?"</p>
  <p>"Just thinking about how special and perfect it was… How much love we shared."</p>
  <p>He put his finger under my chin and lifted it up so he could look at me. He didn't say anything, he just smiled before leaning in to kiss me.</p>
  <p>"What were you thinking about?" I asked.</p>
  <p>He put his hand on my belly. "Just how excited I am," he grinned again. "And nervous, too."</p>
  <p>"How come nervous?" I asked.</p>
  <p>"Well, I just hope that I can be a good dad… I didn't have the best role models, you know… So, I'm a little scared that I might mess our kid up."</p>
  <p>I reached up and held his face. "You listen to me," I said sternly. "<em>You</em> are nothing like your dad. <em>You</em> are going to be the best father to this little baby," I said as I placed my hand on top of his on my stomach. "And if you're not, I'll kick your cute little butt until you are."</p>
  <p>He laughed. "You promise?"</p>
  <p>"About the butt kicking? Absolutely. It's what Quil requested I do when needed, right?"</p>
  <p>"Yes, so you better follow his instructions." Jacob replied lightheartedly.</p>
  <p>We were both quiet again. My mind drifted to my lost friend, Quil, as it still did frequently. He was the missing best man at our wedding and the missing uncle that our child would never have. The grief always resurfaced when big things happened in our lives – thinking about how Quil wouldn't be here to celebrate with us or how we would never get to celebrate similar milestones with him.</p>
  <p>"You know," I said, realizing something. "We would not be together if it weren't for Quil."</p>
  <p>"What do you mean?" Jacob asked, amused.</p>
  <p>I snorted. "I hated you from the minute I met you in that group therapy session… Quil was the only reason I sat down with you at lunch. If Quil wasn't there, I would have blown you off."</p>
  <p>Jacob started laughing. "You wouldn't have! I was <em>way</em> too cute and charming."</p>
  <p>"No, you were incredibly self-righteous and irritating."</p>
  <p>"Well, one more thing for me to thank Quil for," Jacob smiled. "I guess Quil really was our 'Great Perhaps,' then, don't you think?"</p>
  <p>"Absolutely. I think that all the time… You know," I said, somewhat changing the subject. "I had a thought yesterday about baby names."</p>
  <p>"What's that?" Jacob asked.</p>
  <p>"Well, if it's a boy… I was thinking about the name 'Quil.' And if it's a girl, I was thinking about 'Sarah,' you know, after your mom."</p>
  <p>When I peeked up at him, his eyes were closed. I gave him a few seconds to process what I said before I checked on him. "Jake?" His silence was making me nervous.</p>
  <p>He finally opened his eyes and looked at me. I reached up and touched his face. His eyelashes looked a little wet. "It was just an idea. We can think of other names. I didn't mean for it to make you sad."</p>
  <p>"It's a good sad, Bells," Jacob reassured me. "I love that idea so much… You have no idea."</p>
  <p>"Yeah?"</p>
  <p>"Yeah." He responded, smiling my favorite smile. I grinned back then leaned up to kiss him.</p>
  <p>
    <em>Fin.</em>
  </p>
  <hr/>
  <p>
    <strong>A/N: Well, that's it! </strong>
  </p>
  <p><strong>There are four things that really inspired this story – boredom in quarantine, re-reading </strong> <em> <strong>Looking for Alaska </strong> </em> <strong>by John Green, </strong> <strong>the story, "Decisions," by SunflowerSunflowerVol.6,</strong> <strong> and Taylor Swift's album, </strong> <em><strong>folklore</strong>, </em> <strong>specifically the songs, "cardigan," "seven," "mad woman," and "this is me trying".</strong></p>
  <p>
    <strong>Thanks for reading! :)</strong>
  </p>
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